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Certainly seems that he's trying to reconnect with the kids at least. Which is good for all.

Don't think I'd look into it anymore closely than that. if he does at some point want more than that how would you feel?


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Today was our W anniversary. H and I had a convo about business and H said, "Next step is financial settlement" and I added, "and the divorce". He said, "Yes, that too." H started to say I'd stalled finances in the past. I said that was starting a convo about the past and that I would have no convo about the past unless it would help improve the future. He said, "Ok."

Originally Posted By: bonnyh
Certainly seems that he's trying to reconnect with the kids at least. Which is good for all.

Don't think I'd look into it anymore closely than that. if he does at some point want more than that how would you feel?


Bonny, Yes, definitely reconnecting with the kids. This makes me wonder about his thoughts of moving elsewhere or travelling around the country. Not sure he could go now having spent so much time reconnecting.

Probably invalid question Bonny because he won't want more. He's too proud and he won't go there. It's finished and once the divorce is done, it'll be set in stone for him. Not sure I will ever move on completely but then again didn't think I'd suggest a divorce either. Tired, tired, tired of the limbo.


Inlaw Dilemma
FIL rings tonight to ask me to go to MIL's 70th birthday. It's a family only thing and he says as far as they're concerned I will always be family. I love my in-laws but I don't want to make people uncomfortable. I told FIL that and he understood. My kids want me to go. I think I know the answer but just want other people's thoughts. Do I speak to H about it or just ignore the kid's pleas and stay away. In laws live interstate. H asked me this morning if he could take the kids so obviously FIL hadn't told H he would invite me.

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Just a little thought about H and the growing relationship with the kids. It started with H having little to do with them. Kids got their backs up and refused to have much to do with him (who'd blame them). Time passed and H started initiating outings and texting them. Kids went to outings that interested them. Kids refused lots of invitations. H kept up slowly but surely making inroads. Nowdays, it's a new relationship with his kids. The pain and hurt is still there but there's growth and definitely love. Lessons for LBS??

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Hi Cas,

I am so sorry for so many of us here.....(((((Hugs))))).

Our STBXH's will one day realize the destruction that our D's have caused to the entire family. I do believe this and at some point they all will have time to reflect and feel the pain of their actions. I agree, most will be too proud to reverse their choice.

For us it's important right now to take the high road...be graceful and strong and rise above this madness and pain so that one day we can be whole again and live life happy. Let's consider our D's as new-found freedom. Freedom from the baggage our H's have brought upon us in recent years. Freedom from living under the control of our H's limbo. We are certainly very tired right now, but that too shall pass along with the pain.

YES, we will love our H's forever, but it will be a healthier love. It will be a love for who they were as they meant the world to us. The time for them to be with us has passed, the purpose of them in our lives has been fulfilled. It will be a love for our children they gave us and the joy they bring us everyday. We will be grateful for the time we had with our H's for many reasons. Time will heal us.

Cas, my opinion about your MIL's 70th birthday party is this:

I would not go to her 70th birthday. I understand the kids wanting you there, it is inappropriate to go given the certainty of a D from their son. Also you have been separated for a very long time, regardless of emotions....it will be awkward and uncomfortable for many. AND, you and H do not appear to be in a place where anything goes right now. Where seeing each other does not make either of you uncomfortable in some way.

I would make sure to contact her and wish her well and tell her you love her. I would send a gift along, but not with the kids. You said she lives interstate and from what I read it would not be convenient to deliver it in person. I would mail her gift in advance of her special day. She will understand and be appreciative you thought of her in a loving way.

I would have a chat with your S and D and explain that due to the impending D it would be best if you did not go and that they still need to be there for their grammie and father and family.

This is one of the hardest things to have to accept. I find it very difficult here being invited or left out. In the 4+ years of my separation, I have attended 2 in-law events, one Christmas and one 4th of July...both were within the first year of separation. I have declined as many invites as I have not received invites. I do not think of them as my family anymore.

We have Thanksgiving this Thursday, I am very sad, it is my 5th alone and S and I will spend the day at home in quiet. I am sure all the in-laws are gathering. It is sooooo hard.....

Take care Cas, my thoughts are with you everyday.....

Sanderika


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YES, I too wonder the same about the progression between our kids and their dads. My S has lived the same as your D and S. For the most part refusing to give him the time of day and declining one invite after the other because of his own pain over his loss of family.

My H has missed out on over 4 years with S. They are virtual strangers. It hurts me as I cannot imagine turning my back on my S, even given the severity of our sitch. My son does not feel loved by H. He still feels neglect and abandon. He has however learned to accept "what is....is". He always treats H with kindness and respect regardless of his inner feelings.

My H appears to be trying to involve S in his life again, albeit in very small doses and still fairly infrequent.

Just recently I saw my S put his wall down and go off with H a couple of times, and had a great time. The other night H called to speak to me and S answered the phone. He has been very reluctant to give his dad even an inch. H was pleased that S answered. H said: "I got to talk to J tonight". His tone was of pleasure and almost like it was a treat!!!!

I need them to have a relationship, I am powerless to maintain it for them. It breaks my heart in pieces to see the R between S and H deteriorate. THIS HAS ALL BEEN AT H'S HAND AND CHOOSING!!! My son has been without dad between the ages of 9 and 13. Very tough ages, a boy needs to have a male role model. H has been a very poor example. I want to see them patch things up. I want it for them, I am out of the picture now. My R with my S is wonderful. It is my duty to maintain and nurture that for us.

There are lessons to be learned everyday by the maturity and resolve our children have shown during these times. Time heals all.....


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Cas,
Originally Posted By: Cas05
Inlaw Dilemma
FIL rings tonight to ask me to go to MIL's 70th birthday. It's a family only thing and he says as far as they're concerned I will always be family. I love my in-laws but I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
If it's a family only thing and you'll "always be family", who exactly would you be making uncomfortable?
Originally Posted By: Cas05
I told FIL that and he understood.
Sounds like he was just being polite. Could it be possible that he was disappointed that you said no when his invite words included, "It's a family only thing and he says as far as they're concerned I will always be family."?
Originally Posted By: Cas05
My kids want me to go.
So do I smile
Originally Posted By: Cas05
I think I know the answer but just want other people's thoughts.
So what's your answer that you think you know?
Originally Posted By: Cas05
H asked me this morning if he could take the kids so obviously FIL hadn't told H he would invite me.
I say call FIL back and accept. He, MIL, kids, and you will be glad you did. Tell H, 'You don't have to take them, I'll take them."

Go. Go to loving, always-be-family MIL's 70th.

My take, kiddo. cool


Gardener

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With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
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If the PIL have asked you to go and they feel you will always be family dont let them down go! Its their son who has walked away and obviously regardless of how much they love him they still dont wish to be deprived of their DIL. You will have the moral support of all "your family" so go and enjoy yourself, after all H perhaps should have considered a lot of things before he walked away!


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Hi Cas

My simple response is for you to go. You are lucky to have in-laws who still care deeply for you and I think you should embrace that care and love that they extend to you.



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All I can say is go. You’ve been invited, you in-laws are happy for you to go, you want to go, the kids want you to go so go. If you were truly detached going would not be a problem would it? If it’s a problem for your H I would suggest that he’s not as over you as he would like to think. And I’m not saying that to give you hope.

I have a similar situation just after Christmas, but in my case my H is insisting that I don’t go even though the kids and the rest of the family are happy to have me there. Is he as over me as he says? I don’t think so.


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Sanderika, I have to say that the progression of H's relationship with both kids is really heartening. The love between them has reignited and in this way I can see the H of years ago...the one who was besotted with our babies, the one who was excited to share and teach our kids and the Dad who was idolised by both our kids. I did tell him yesterday that i could see this progression and affirmed him on the development and he was appreciative of my insight.

The significant thing between H and I is that I continue to see him responding to my communication in a friendly manner but at the same time he is adamant that this is over. I'm not 100% convinced that H is sure about the divorce...he did take 30 mins to respond which is unusual and he has always stated that he didn't want a divorce. Anyway for now I am taking him at face value but I am observing some conflict between his words and actions. I have decided that we need a divorce because our marriage is over. It no longer exists and never will again. Any reconciliation, as slim as that chance may be will be a brand new one.

Gardener....wow thanks for the care in your words. When I read your posts I am always filled with admiration for the warmth and integrity your words convey. Thanks for sharing your perspective. It's so wonderful to hear someone elses's thoughts.

Originally Posted By: Gardener
Cas,
Originally Posted By: Cas05
Inlaw Dilemma
who exactly would you be making uncomfortable? [quote=Cas05]H for starters and then then SILs and BILs who won't know how to act around us. If I sense they are uncomfortable, so too, will I be![/quote]

Sounds like he was just being polite. Could it be possible that he was disappointed that you said no when his invite words included, "It's a family only thing and he says as far as they're concerned I will always be family."? FIL is a wonderful, wonderful man. If he was disappointed he would never, ever say so.

[quote=Cas05]My kids want me to go.
So do I smile
Originally Posted By: Cas05
In my heart I want to go!!

I think I know the answer but just want other people's thoughts.
So what's your answer that you think you know? I thought I should stay here and face the reality that as much as I love the family they are H's family and I no longer belong at their family celebrations.

Originally Posted By: Cas05
H asked me this morning if he could take the kids so obviously FIL hadn't told H he would invite me.
I say call FIL back and accept. He, MIL, kids, and you will be glad you did. Tell H, 'You don't have to take them, I'll take them."

Go. Go to loving, always-be-family MIL's 70th.

My take, kiddo. cool Thanks again for your perspective, Gardener.


Oz; you know the story as well as anyone and that's why I'm always interested in your opinion. Thanks. You're right about the loving and caring relatioship I have with them and how lucky I am to still be experiencing this.

Perhaps I call H and talk to him about it? At least then if H says he prefers I not go I haven't presumed anything and I can tell my FIL and the kids that H feels that way.

Cas

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