Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 87 1 2 3 4 5 86 87
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
Question time: H often comes by unannounced and has a chat to our children. We always greet each other but after that I am often unsure if I should appear too busy to stop and have a conversation or if I should initiate a conversation. If I initiate he responds positively. If I don't initiate sometimes he does but more often he doesn't.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
I think I've answered this through further reading around the boards. I am going to initiate conversation as he certainly seems to respond when I do. If I give nothing, I get nothing and it appears to be an interaction opportunity wasted. I think he takes his lead from me.

How's that sound?

Cas

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Hi Chrissy,

You came by my thread once to introduce yourself. I'm just now getting around to yours, so glad I have read your thread. I don't know how LBS's do what they do with us WAS!! I would never have that kind of patient! I even wonder if I could have enough "love" that I've seen with good people such as yourself. It never ceases to amaze me.

I agree with YR. If you feel that you are making progress, then you need to go with the flow. As long as you can handle knowing about him and OW........BTW, does he know that you are aware of OW? I figured after all this time that it would be obvious. I also figured that is what brought about the S. But you said you acted as though she didn't exsist.......anyway, I think I've talked my way though that and answered my own question.... laugh

I have been on the computer all day talking to DBers and I guess I am just "rambling" now....lol.

About the only thing I have to add about your stitch is the fact that I think one reason it is taking such a long, long time for your H to come around to wanting to return home is the fact he is "afraid" that when if does....things will return to how it use to be. Remember what you said you were like as his W? He doesn't want that "wife" again. He likes the way you are NOW. Maybe he doesn't want to spoil the environment....or connection.....or friendship, by complicating it. Know what I mean? If he returned home....would you become the way you use to be? Right now you don't think you would ever be that person again....if only your H would come back home and let you PROVE to him how wonderful you could be! Right? Well, he's scared. He is like the "turtle" who is slowly sticking his head out to take a peek and then if you "pursue" too much...he'll pop that head back into his shell. Frustrating, isn't it? It takes so long before he'll trust you to the point of keeping that head poked out and then finally taking that first step.....and then slowly walking toward you. He may get scared again and stop walking and stick that head back in that old shell of his. But so far, you've done a marvelous job of maintaining the DB techniques. No way could I have done what you have!

Chrissy, I'll check back with you, okay? I hope you and your family will have a great 4th of July.

Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
My Goals ..........

1. When H visits I will continue to initiate conversation and he will respond.

2. I will initiate hugs when I say goodbye each time I see him and monitor his comfort with these.

3. I will conatct him re my surgery and invite him to coffee to discuss. I will ask for his support.

I will continue to work on me (clothes, hair, exercise, makeup etc) and also work on keeping the house really tidy.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
I will meet H for coffee tomorrow afternoon to discuss surgery so one part of the step achieved!

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote:
2. I will initiate hugs when I say goodbye each time I see him and monitor his comfort with these.


I don't know, Chrissy, I think I would hold off on any physical touching yet. You are going kind of fast here. I think you are anxious and it causes you to be pushy.

When your H comes over to see the kids or when he's dropping them off and he's there for only a few minutes......you must be very cautious about not appearing too giddy over seeing him. Try your best to behave calmly and speak in a soft voice and show a "peace" within yourself. If you act peaceful and calm and have a soft voice......then he will relax. The point is to help him feel comfortable. If he goes in for a couple of minutes and you are talking 90 miles an hour....trying to get him in a "conversation" and responding to what you are talking about (and I don't know that that is how you do it....I'm just saying "IF" you did....) then he's going to immediately be "on guard" b/c he doesn't know what the heck is going on.

Then.....if he starts to leave and you initiate hugs.....OH MAN....he is going back in that shell and stay a long time b/c now--he's "really" scared.

I don't believe a LBW should initiate physical affection. The WAH will do that when "he's" ready and you don't need to try to push him into it. Okay?

Quote:
3.I will conatct him re my surgery and invite him to coffee to discuss. I will ask for his support.


confused Sorry, but I can't remember.....what is this about?

I don't want to sound insensitive to something major like surgery.....but sweetheart, this is still pursuing him. You would be chasing him with this behavior. You need to back up where you were before this last post.

It is "his" place to show "you" concern and invite "you" for coffee to discuss it. And....he should offer his support without you having to ask for it! You would be coming across as very "needy" and "clingy".

Not knowing what kind of surgery you are having makes this difficult to talk about b/c if it is something that is going to require treatments afterwards, or rehabilitation, or an extended amount of time for recovery.......I understand your "NEED" for his support. I feel really bad telling you that you will appear to be clingy, etc. I am trying to give you the POV from the WAS and it sounds terribly "cold" when putting it into words.

I know you don't want to do anything to lose the ground that has been gained the past couple of months. You are at critical point and if you rush this by putting emotional pressure on him.....it will push him away. It sounds all about him, doesn't it? Again, just trying to tell you what these crazy WAS are like.

Does he know about your surgery? If he doesn't......then you do need to tell him. Can you tell us if this is something where he will be required to keep the children for a long time, or something like that? In a case like that, you should discuss all the details with him, Chrissy. Please understand what I'm saying and don't get hurt or think I'm telling you something mean. I care very much that you are facing surgery of "any kind" b/c nobody wants to go through that. But depending on how critical this is--will determine how you should act when you discuss it (if he doesn't know). But if he is already aware of it--and if it is not a life threatening type of surgery.....you know what I'm trying to say......then don't use this as an opportunity or an advantage....( frown ) to try to gain more ground with him. Okay?

I'm so sorry if this has hurt you b/c God knows I would not do that on purpose! Not knowing the details is hard to tell what to do.

To sum it up.....keep it slow and easy--like you've been doing. Don't make any "new" moves yet. Wait and see how he reacts to your surgery without you putting any emotional pressure on him (like asking for his support) and see if he "gives" his support willingly. Wouldn't that be much, much better?

Do you mind telling me "when" you will be having the surgery? I hope that everything will go well for you. We will be here to support you in your MR as best as we can. Mental and emotional stress sure is bad when one is having to go through the physical problems as well.

I sure hope I've not brought you way down to hit bottom. That was not my intentions when I read your goals. I think you just got a little carried away with them.

I will talk to you later. Have a peaceful night.

Sandi


Last edited by sandi2; 07/04/09 05:39 AM.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,326
J
JCJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,326
Hey Cas

I thought I would drop by your thread as it seems like there are some similarities in our situations. My h has been gone for 21 months now and is currently living with ow. I pursued him for 6 months until he finally turned round and said enough, and then I found DBing. Since then I have backed off and he turned round in March and said that he wanted to be friends. Since then we have made lots of baby steps.

I guess the key struggle I find is how far to go and when to push and pull back and let him come to me. I guess I have really let him set the pace and it is working.

Reviewing your goals in context I agree with Sandi. I would change them slightly as you are trying to guide him and it would be much better for him to make the decisions himself.

Be the woman only a fool would leave (as 25yearsmlc) says. It can only help your h situation and will improve your confidence 10 fold. I would say that hugging him each time he arrives and leaves may be too much. I would hug him occasionally so he gets a taste of what he is missing and I would stick to keeping these to times when you have had a really positive interaction or something good has happened.

Again with initiating conversation, could you explain a typical interaction with him and we may be able to come up with some suggestions. I sometimes initiate but I find that if I don't h usually chats for England! When we first meet there is always initial awkwardness but if you are calm and friendly and smile (most important!) this will dissipate.

With regards to your telling him about your illness and asking him for help... guys love to problem solve. It gives them a feeling of achievement and satisfaction. I would just tell him about your hospital visit and don't make suggestions about how he could help you. Let him come up with them organically. I did this recently with my own situation. We are selling our house and h had to come up to collect his stuff. I took the pressure off and he saw how much I had to shift - he is now hiring a moving van and moving all my stuff for me on the 12th July. Six months ago we were barely speaking!

It takes so much patience.

You want to sow seeds of doubt in your h's mind that this isn't the right path. Focus on your 180s - what are these? You could make your goal something like 'h will spend increased time with us' and then weave some ideas in there that will go towards achieving that. Just a suggestion, please feel free to disregard. What you have been doing has been working; can you identify what those things were?


M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
Now travelling the world
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
Hi Sandi,

Firstly please can I thank you for visiting and posting. I am certainly not feeling any sensitivity to your suggestions. In fact, I welcome them and that is precisely why I finally decided to post. I think it is so wonderful to have the advice of people who are walking the path, or have walked it in some way. I am quite impatient to achieve in normal circumstances and so this sitch has been a real test for me.

Anyway, this may become a very long winded post so grab your coffee now Sandi! I love a chat and i can see you're quite fond of a word or two, yourself!

From your posts let's begin at the beginning. OW has been around 3 years and H left before I found out about the R. When I pieced it altogether and determined who OW was I gave her way too much attention in my mind. Although I knew who she was and saw her every so often I never spoke to her. Eventually I came to terms with the fact that she didn't really need to take up so much of my attention and I have learned to accept she's there (although the day she goes will be cause for celebration!) but I am not going to give her the power to ruin my day.

Onto my goals....I appreciate your thoughts in relation to these. I devised them after being on 'goals' forum and on re-reading them I recognise what you are saying but they're perhaps not as desperate as they might appear. Perhaps I didn't write them as well as I might have....knew what I meant I guess.

Goal 1: I think my conversations with H are usually quite calm and peaceful. Over the past months I have been working hard for him to see that our relationship is a 'safe' one. I try to show no pressure or expectations. I affirm often. I have been making sure when he pops in that I have a chat and then leave the room before he does to do other jobs. He usually pops in a few times a week. My intention in this goal was prompted after seeing him yesterday. He came by the house and was speaking to S outside. I didn't know he was there until I went to the garage. We called out hi and I went inside again. I later felt uncomfortable about that because I thought if it were any other visitor I would go and say hello and chat for a few minutes. That's what I had in mind for goal one...a chat for a few minutes rather than hello from afar.

Feel free to challenge my thinking because I can see the flip side that if he wanted to speak to me he would. I just don't want him to think I am avoiding him or ignoring him.

Goal 2: I hear where you are coming from on this and I am sure it's my anxiety talking, particularly after posting on the other forum. Anyway, point taken and I will change this accordingly. No harm done at this stage because I haven't seen him and we've hugged at his initiation only twice in the last 6 months!

Goal 3: Now H didn't know of my surgery so today I emailed him to ask him to meet with me to discuss it if he wished. I worded the email very, very carefully so I didn't pressure him and I gave him the opportunity to not have the discussion if he didn't want to. It was his choice. I can't afford to push him into anything. The surgery will be challenging but not life threatening.

I will be in hospital for 10 days and have a fairly lengthy and I believe, quite painful recuperation. Therefore, I am asking for support for me by way of the children-transporting them and perhaps having them for an extra meal or two. I am not relying on him or asking for his support in any other way! I chose to undertake this surgery at a time when he was speaking to me some days, shouting at me and not speaking at all on others. At that time I thought that I would be without his personal support. I chose the surgery regardless of his support and I still do!! If he offers more than transport and a meal or two for the kids , terrific. If not, it's as I expect. I am confident H will want to know the details. However, I will have to judge how much I share based on his response tomorrow.

I probably haven't quite finished and I am sure I haven't yet answered all your qns but my D is getting a little anxious that I watch a DVD so I'm heading off now.

Thanks once again, Sandi. Your words are so appreciated!

C

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
Hey JCJ,
I have spent a long evening reading your threads and getting a better idea of your sitch........I could relate to so much there! I will write more about that when I have a bit more time to spare.

Some of your points were also part of Sandi's so I'm sure my response to her will be a part of my reply to you.

It's pretty late now and I promised my D a shopping trip so I'll be up and out fairly early. Time for bed!

Catch up soon!
C

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Thank you Chrissy. You cleared up some things for me and I do appreciate it. I didn't know how to "word" my post concerning goal No. 3, as you could tell. I did not want to be nosey and I did not want to appear to be "cold hearted" and as one poster told me that I was using the "tough love" approach and it didn't work with her... frown But that was not what I was doing....I just try to tell it like I see it from the WAS POV. Anyway.....so glad you told me that you were looking for his support in helping the children and not wanting to ask him for his "emotional" support. That was the way I should have stated it in my post in the wee hours of the morning....but my brain was about to fry after being on the board for so long.

I most certainly agree that you should discuss with him the arrangements and "support" regarding the children. After all, it is his responsibility as their parent to take care of them. You will have enough to deal with while you are in the hospital. Ten days is a long time! Bless your heart. You know that our emotions are very fragile when we are going through stuff like you are facing. You don't need any concerns over "who's" taking the kids where, etc. I hope that your H will "step-up" like he's suppose to.

A word of caution here, I have learned that men are not very strong when it comes to women's illness's. The more serious it is, the less they seem to know how to deal with it. When they go to the hospital....they don't know what to say and most of them stand there tongue-tied for a few minutes and then give up and leave. I have seen this down through the years with many, many different cases. So....if your H comes across as "cold" or won't say anything....please don't think that it is b/c he doesn't care about what is going on with you. Men just don't know how to handle these things the way women do. I think God gave the females a natural instict of nurturing b/c of when mothers stayed at home with the children all day, they had to deal with emergencies/crises, and other health related issues, when dad was out working. So, dads don't seem to be emotionally prepared to know how to respond. As you see, I go "around by grandma's house" to tell something. (That is an old expression!)

I think you've done a good job explaining your goals and they are good!

I have another question, when your H left, did you tell him to leave or was that his decision?

Oh, you mentioned another thread. Do you have another one or were you refering to somebody's you had posted to?

BTW, (lol>I keep thinking of things to ask......will you be able to have a lap top while in the hospital, or will you even feel like using one? Just was wondering how long it would be before we would here how you were doing.) Yes, I can get quite talkative, grin Hey, what would life be if everyone was like my H and didn't say anything....ugh! (lol) He's much better now since "Piecing our M back together Again".

Hope you have a good weekend.

Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Page 3 of 87 1 2 3 4 5 86 87

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard