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#1840988 - 09/20/09 01:57 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
Last night I went out and bought my D and S new beds because she is going to take their old ones. I really enjoyed this and know when they get delivered they are going to have "new" rooms in the house they are used. The wife was a little less than thrilled about this but I did it for me and the kids, not to spite her. Feel like that is important to remember.

A neighborhood couple (still my friends) asked me to go out with them last night and I could tell that it bothered her. She has pretty much disconnected from everyone she ever knew. She is trying her best to block out her old life. I pray every day she can lift the fog and at least come to some realization. I am just along for the ride.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1841117 - 09/20/09 09:07 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Quote:
The wife was a little less than thrilled about this but I did it for me and the kids, not to spite her. Feel like that is important to remember.


Right. If it was the right thing to do for YOU, then it was the right thing.

Quote:
A neighborhood couple (still my friends) asked me to go out with them last night and I could tell that it bothered her.


It's called GAL'ing and this is what it's supposed to do. That and help you recover and grow your self confidence.

Quote:
She has pretty much disconnected from everyone she ever knew. She is trying her best to block out her old life. I pray every day she can lift the fog and at least come to some realization. I am just along for the ride.


Not unusual at all. Initially, my W cut off anyone who did not validate her decision to D.

Hang in there. You're doing just fine.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1841134 - 09/20/09 09:36 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
Changes Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 80
WTBB. My W did the same thing. Withdrew from all her friendships. Just remember they were you friends as well. Having fun is such a good thing to do right now. Go see cloudy with a chance of meatballs. You will laugh til you hurt. The kids absolutely loved it and I did too.

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#1841264 - 09/21/09 09:22 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: Changes]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
WTBB - you're in the right place. So many of us can relate to EXACTLY what you are going through. It's hard to believe that anyone else could feel like you do, but that crippling physical pain that comes with all of this is something that I can relate to all too well.

I know you commented on my sitch, so you may have seen that my 30 yr old W decided that for the first time in her life to be an outgoing, barhopping, ultra "strong" person with no value for our previously storybook marriage.

It all feels like a nightmare that I need to wake up from.

Givingitmyall has given you some great advice. Much of it is co counterintuitive and takes more patience and strength than you have probably ever mustered up before. It can work though.

My W is still in my house, but doesn't wear her ring and is shopping for houses so she can move out. I continue to get a life and be positive as much as I can, but it's like there's a big head game at the Bunny Family house. I think there's a lot of MLC stuff in my sitch too.

The "I just feel so selfish, I see the changes you've made, but this just isn't for me, we're just putting off the inevitable with me staying here, blah, blah, blah,: is all just part of the script.

You're not alone.

You need to gage every reaction. You can't let her bait you into arguments. It only gives her reason to justify her actions. It's a lot easier to leave a guy who gets mad at her.

Take my word on this. It can get better, I've seen guys on here succeed. It will take a VERY long time though. I'm coming up on my 1 year ILYBNILWY anniversary.
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1841286 - 09/21/09 09:41 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: Energizer Bunny]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
Thanks for everyone's help. I am freaked out right now because she is supposed to sign a lease for an apt tomorrow. I know the advice I'm going to get....if she wants to leave let her. I am torn though because if I let her go, I feel like I am giving up. I REALLY want to talk to her tonight about it but I'm sure that would be considered a big backslide.

I feel so bad for my kids. S3 and D5 are young enough they don't really know what is going on but since we haven't being doing things together as a family as much lately, they can tell, especially D5. I can hear it in the way they ask questions and such.

We were going to go eat for my B-day on Sunday as a family and she even asked if we could go to a furniture store close to there so she can look at furniture for her new apt!!!

Another one..how should I handle this? She doesn't want the kids around when she moves some stuff out. I can understand this but I feel like I am enabling her if I comply with her.

Man some days are so long. I haven't slept good for months.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1841300 - 09/21/09 09:58 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
Coach Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 5299
Do not talk to her about moving out, you won't change her mind.

Quote:
We were going to go eat for my B-day on Sunday as a family and she even asked if we could go to a furniture store close to there so she can look at furniture for her new apt!!!



"I have decided that the kids and I won't go look at furniture." That simple. If she asks why just say, "that's what I have decided." In control, confident and no escalating.

Take the kids out while she moves. Let her be in the house all alone. You go be a great Dad.

Why do think you are giving up?
_________________________
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

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#1841316 - 09/21/09 10:13 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
tristan Offline
Member

Registered: 07/29/09
Posts: 719
Originally Posted By: wanttobebetter
I have been reading posts forever now...I would love to get some feedback from some of the "experts" on here such as Puppy, Coach, Sandi, etc.

I really want my family back and if she moves out, I'm afraid any chance of that will go along with her.


Hi wanttobebetter,

This is not neccessarily true.

My W moved out 2 weeks ago, had a full year lease and refurnished an entire house. We barely spoke for the past 2 weeks. Last night, she told me she would like to go back to MC. Listen to Coach and others about detaching and letting her go. It can work.

Wishing you the best.
_________________________
Me: 36, W: 33, M: 10 yrs
Bomb: 1/09, Seperated: 9/09, Piecing Begins: 10/09

My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=91&page=1

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#1841322 - 09/21/09 10:19 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: tristan]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
I have read probably a million posts and have to come really respect what everyone says, especially Coach. If he told me to jump off a cliff to save my marriage, I probably would.

I feel like I am giving up because I am letting her go. I know this isn't true..logic tells me so. But the feelings are different.

I am staying in our house because that is what is best for the kids. It will be a little tight financially but it is best for the kids. I feel a lot of honor in the fact that I am doing what is best for my kids in this. I really do care more about them than anything else. I really do believe I have learned a lot about myself lately. It is amazing what you can get used to and deal with if you have to.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1841324 - 09/21/09 10:20 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
Tristan - I am happy things looks to be working out for you. I wish you the best in the future. This gives me some hope but I am preparing for the worst.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

Top
#1841327 - 09/21/09 10:22 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
Another thing - I don't know if she is having a PA but there is very little doubt in my mind there is someone behind the curtain pulling her strings. If this person(s) were not in the picture, I feel like things would have a better chance. Someone is telling her it will be ok. Her parents are furious with her which I have to come to figure out is counter productive.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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