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#1865748 - 11/01/09 07:18 AM Re: Still struggle with that jealous streak [Re: dolphin_05]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
H called in this afternoon with something for D. Called out to say hi to me and I came out to the living room and we all had a chat. It seemed awkward to begin and then it was fine and he was being 'silly' with the kids. we were all laughing as he left.

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#1865751 - 11/01/09 07:29 AM Re: Still struggle with that jealous streak [Re: dolphin_05]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Its so frustrating isnt it Cas, they can behave like the former loving H but the truth however painful is that they just dont want to and as I think SP said earlier on here is that "love is a choice" but as you say civil and pleasant would be sufficient! ((cas))
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

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#1865759 - 11/01/09 07:56 AM Patience, patience....I need a top up! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Rabbit, I'm getting very pleasant exchanges with H.In fact, these are the most consistently friendly exchanges we have had since the 'good old days'. He doesn't seem to hurry me along anymore. However, while he is proving to be more reliable and certainly a friendly communicator I need more. Am I just too bloody impatient?

I have loads of friends and I want him as a H, not a friend. I'm lonely at night, I want someone to share goals with, to celebrate the kid's achievements with and to explore the world with.

I know that the best new relationships start as friendship but they don't build as slowly as this. I have set Christmas as my target and then our finances should be sorted. If we haven't progressed past friendly emails and texts I am signing out.

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#1865762 - 11/01/09 08:03 AM Re: Patience, patience....I need a top up! [Re: dolphin_05]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
I feel exactly the same, Xmas is cut off for me really, I dont want to start 2010 in limboland, so if need be I shall become single again officially and if H ever gets his act together well maybe but it will certainly be on the grounds of two new people meeting.
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

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#1865787 - 11/01/09 09:50 AM Re: Patience, patience....I need a top up! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Sanderika Offline
Member

Registered: 06/25/08
Posts: 761
((((Cas)))))

Our H's are seeming the same.

Talking nicer, informing us of their day to day, seeking us out for a hello, being considerate in our presence, I could go on and on....

The OW are still here.....

What do we really do with that. It's all great that our H's are being kinder to us and letting their guard down with information, to me that is a huge bonus that they are beginning to trust us again....

How long do we have to wait it out now....when are they going to give the OW the boot?

My friend here, a guy friend - not romantic just a great friend, told me last week, "I think if you begin to go through with the D in December....D will be begging to come back. D will be on your doorstep everyday and basically behaving like you did when he left at the very beginning." He knows my H and I very well.

My problem is this....I don't want that to bring H back. I want H to voluntarily want back in my life. It will be false to have him return only if I put a gun to his head.

Our H's need to remove the OW from their lives and live without OW for a period of time befroe they will truly be able to see us again for the wonderful women and partners we are.

I am so grateful for the friendship we have created...I worry every day that this is all there will be for us now.

(((((Cas))))) I am struggling here. I think you and I are in very similar places almost at the same hour in our sitches. It's scary, huh?

What do we do?

Sanderika
_________________________
ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11

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#1865795 - 11/01/09 10:09 AM Re: Patience, patience....I need a top up! [Re: Sanderika]
gucci loafer Offline
Member

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 1408
Quote:
How long do we have to wait it out now....when are they going to give the OW the boot?


Interesting. Maybe it wouldn't matter so much if you were asking yourself when are YOU going to give HIM the boot?

I can't see where he is any better than the OW. Why can you hate and despise her and yet him be doing the same thing? Doesn't make sense to me. I really don't see that after 4 years that you can possibly think this is really working. Just because a man doesn't act likes he hates you doesn't mean that he is in love with you in the way that you want.

I have known hundreds if not thousands of men that just never seem to choose the woman that just keeps on loving him no matter what. Oh sure, us men will use that type of woman and take whatever she gives him. However the reality of the way I have seen is most men is that they need some sort of a challenge. They would rather chase than be chased deep inside. Gives them a challenge. When there is no challenge and it becomes too easy, then it becomes boring and we look for the next challenge in our lives. Why do you think men are so involved in sports? We are competitve. We love a new challenge.
What is the reason that SO many men on this site woke up and suddeny realized the error of thier ways after YEARS of neglecting their wives? Why now are the men on here suddenly reading books, taking counseling, pleading for our help, and doing everything in their power to win back the wayward? Why didn't the do these things when the wife was crying and begging him to do so? Haven't you noticed that it wasn't UNTIL the woman showd him ENOUGH. I am not SURE what I want. I think I want out... Haven't you noticed that as a fine thread throughout the posts of the men on here? You need to think about that because it is the truth and the reality


Just because you as a woman doesn't undertand that doesn't make it not true. I would think after four years that you would be wondering if this really is working or not. I would venture to say NOT.


Don't mean to discourage you, but it is sad that you really are wasting so much of your life caught up in this that you refuse to let go of these men and realize there are many many more fish in the sea that WILL treat you right.

Or is it that YOU too are addicted to the challenge of wanting someone that doesn't want you?


Edited by gucci loafer (11/01/09 10:15 AM)

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#1865925 - 11/01/09 04:04 PM Re: Patience, patience....I need a top up! [Re: gucci loafer]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Well last night I couldn't sleep. I am aware that my relationship with H is in a much better place than it has been for years but it's still not enough. I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and I turned. For the first time in ages I thought about the issue because I realised that I was getting too involved and letting go of the detachment. I have been enjoying the contact with him. However, this isn't enough. So while I tossed and turned Sanderika and Gucci posted.

I'm on my way to work now so no time for a long post. However, I do need to analyse what's working and what's not. I understand what Gucci is saying and I guess it's fear that stands in the way for me.


What do others think?

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#1865950 - 11/01/09 05:07 PM Re: Patience, patience....I need a top up! [Re: dolphin_05]
girlfromoz Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 885
Hi Cas

I can see Gucci's point of view as 4 years is a long time to spend working on a R when you could have perhaps found happiness with another who would treat you with the greatest respect and love you deserve. But having said that each situation is different and each person makes a conscious decision on how long they will spend DBing with the hope of a reconcilliation. For some they may move on very quickly, others not at all and others after a lengthy period of time.

I know for me, I would be in it for the long haul and I think I would have a hard time putting a time frame on it. Look at me, still having issues over what I think are really petty things but still I continue to smile and DB my little tooshie off.

You have had a lot to deal with in those 4 years, ill health, surgery and more surgery to come, which in a way makes DBing a bit more of a lengthy procedure for you as you have to focus 100% on yourself when getting ready for surgery and for the recovery period in order to get well, so whilst it may be 4 years for you Cas it has been more likely part time for 4 years whilst you looked after yourself.

Given that H is now making some more positive steps toward you, I wouldn't exactly be in any hurry to put an end to anything until you give these changes a bit more time and also you have to think that you have some more surgery coming up and I don't think you should be adding to your list of things to worry about or think about fixing.
_________________________

Trying to keep hope alive

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#1865976 - 11/01/09 06:40 PM Re: Patience, patience....I need a top up! [Re: girlfromoz]
Sanderika Offline
Member

Registered: 06/25/08
Posts: 761
OK Gucci,

You got me.....I am scared. Cas has admitted that fear is standing in her way too.

I know exactly what you are saying to be true.

I wanted to acknowledge your comments. I need to think on this a bit. I think you hit me hard with your take on the sitch. If you don't mind keeping your eye on Cas and me here on her thread, I think we would both be accepting of your point of view.

Gucci, I will post more here after I sort out my thoughts. Cas won't mind I am sure as she and I are in the same boat.

Oz, we have seen progress in our sitches and that is why we are still here. I don't want to D my H, I don't think Cas wants one either. I don't really want to be a part of a relationship with the way things are either. As long as I have seen changes and progress in our friendship I feel that it has been important to stay around as well.

I am fence sitting as well I think. I can't decide how to proceed. One minute I am ready to proceed with my D on Dec. 4th and the next minute I have very cold feet. I am at best undecided.

H seems to come around and throw me a bone at just the right time. I understand what I just said, Gucci.

Gucci and Oz help us out here.....please!

Sanderika
_________________________
ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11

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#1865978 - 11/01/09 06:47 PM Re: Patience, patience....I need a top up! [Re: girlfromoz]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
Hi, Cas,

In my sitch, here's what worked:

1) Giving him ample time to experience the new me in small, no-pressure, doses. This meant phone emails, phone calls and one joint trip to Disneyland that did not involve sharing a hotel room. This started around March-ish and went on through July (4-5 months). And when I say 'started' I mean the increase in overall, positive communication to the point where we enjoyed interacting with each other.

2) Seeing him in person for a few days at a time, then leaving completely and going dark for a few days at a time. Being there gave him a chance to interact more fully with the new me, and gave me the opportunity to introduce some flirtation/sexual attraction to the equation. Leaving and going dark made sure the pressure never built to a critical level, and it gave him an opportunity to miss me and reflect on what a good time we'd had. This lasted was July - September, 2-3 months. Near the end, I was with him in the house M-F but gone on weekends.

Once we moved into the same bedroom and started sleeping together, I was pretty sure I had him. OW was so distant geographically that I didn't have to worry about him sleeping with both of us.

3) From sleeping together til ultimatum time wasn't very long - maybe 4 weeks. And the ultimatum was delivered fairly gently, and without a hard deadline. ("I don't know how long I can wait.") He ditched OW about 3 days after the ultimatum. How did I know he was ready for the ultimatum? He brought the situation up himself. He said he knew he couldn't continue to be in relationships with both of us. I hadn't been planning the ultimatum, but when the lead-in got thrown, I acted. (It's on p. 109 of my thread, I think.)

So from the point where communication improved and became positive, it took about 8 months to get to ditching OW and re-committing to our R.

In your sitch, OW is right close by, though, right? That changes the dynamic a bit for you. For me, when I first entered the sitch in March, I knew I didn't have the cred to lay down an ultimatum and win. So I invested the time to build up the cred and it took about 6-8 months.

If there is forward progress with your H, then yes, I would advise patience. Use the time to keep re-building your cred. Don't do it forever, though.

Hope that helps!

Dia



Edited by Dia (11/01/09 06:49 PM)
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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