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#1866915 - 11/03/09 03:30 PM Re: Need input [Re: The Wifey]
CityGirl Offline
Member

Registered: 04/20/09
Posts: 2612
I have to agree with Wifey here....

I have heard more whining and BS from my H than I thought possible from a "grown man". I listened to it for over a year and finally told him that my best suggestion was to use his support system (which no longer included me) and his how desire to work through whatever it is he needed to work through. So far he has not done one darn thing. WAS rarely think of the consequences of bomb dropping, an affair or the legal proceedings. Any feeling or emotion she has is hers to deal with on her own.

And yes, if your W wants out then she MOVES OUT. No questions asked, that is how it will be. Your goal is to have as little disruption to your life as possible during this process.

The WAS tends to think the LBS will "get on board" and do just as they want. When you are not included in the decision to end a marriage then the WAS is on their own and that includes finding new housing.

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#1866917 - 11/03/09 03:35 PM Re: Free [Re: The Wifey]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
Bill,

Your last post again shows what a good and decent man you are. You can not be her C and you must let her fight the depression on her own.

I know you would like to see this turn around at the stroke of 12, but rescuing her is not what could make that happen. Be sure she has plenty of opportunities to look in the mirror. She chose this. She took those actions.

At some point you had to learn that self-validation was the path to strength for you. If she does not learn that, and you rescue her, then she will be looking for validation from OM or another OM down the road. You, and she, deserve better.

Oh, and of course you are uncomfortable. It means you are human! It doesn't mean you have to fix it. Just be.
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1866999 - 11/03/09 05:10 PM Re: Need input [Re: CityGirl]
LookingFrAnswers Offline
Member

Registered: 07/27/09
Posts: 342
Loc: OH
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
I have to agree with Wifey here....

WAS rarely think of the consequences of bomb dropping, an affair or the legal proceedings. Any feeling or emotion she has is hers to deal with on her own.

The WAS tends to think the LBS will "get on board" and do just as they want. When you are not included in the decision to end a marriage then the WAS is on their own and that includes finding new housing.


CityGirl,
I have to thank you for this insight. I feel this is so true in my sitch. My H somehow thinks I need to meet to discuss a separation agrmt. As his L is the sister of OW, (as far as I can tell) he is blissfully unaware of the work I've done interviewing L's filling out long complicated paperwork, & coming up w retainer fee. He just thinks I'll get "on board" as you say & makes things so easy for him. He thinks I'm stalling to slow down process, which I was before, but the fact is all this BS takes time, & I refuse to be rushed. Great insight, thank you. I will look up your thread, you seem to have great advice.

Bill, I hope you are doing OK. Don't mean to hijack. You haven't posted for a while, how are things going?
LFA

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#1867136 - 11/03/09 07:58 PM Re: Need input [Re: LookingFrAnswers]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Hey guys -

Thank you for the feedback - yes, I'm doing OK. I am happy, I am functioning better than I have for awhile - started rolling back the ADs, I think I can take it now.

I stopped posting to some degree because I'm not DBing anymore. I'm not saving my M. And I don't want to advocate this to all of you that have hope - legitimate hope. But I'll tell you what's going on with me.

Last Thursday, I came home, W had made one of my favoriate meals. I expressed surprise and gratitude - and she said...

"It's because I love you."
And she also shortly after that said that, the OM didn't hold up to me at all, there was no comparison.

So, you've probably had these - one of those coversations that happen all night in spurts, when you go off in the other room then one of you has something else to say, and finds the other one.

How did I respond to this?

How did I respond to this.

I asked her how she could be so reckless with me then come and tell me that she loves me. She doesn't get to say that to me anymore.

I told her that this guy means nothing to her, and that's what she hurt me over - nothing. And I said to her - it meant something to ME.

I told her that, when I previously told her it was the last time she was going to hear it from me, that it was true - I love her - but I'm done saying it.

I told her that she is no longer my wife.

She did apologize, say that what she did is wrong, we had all those little conversations that you guys know about but can't really record coherently. And I did end up comforting her in the end. Right or wrong, it just is. And we spent some time laying on the floor together (seperately), looking at the ceiling, just talking.

She left for the weekend because my sister came and visited. It was hard for her to not spend Halloween with the kids. So we're trying to figure out Halloween.

And even last night, we had a good time talking with each other, but she had to go be alone for awhile too. And she won't let me comfort her now, because she recongnizes that it's not healty. We're talking a lot about the healty way to move forward. And you are all right - I can't take care of her anymore. It's habit.

We're going to be friends. That's clear. It's going to take time though.

And I'm doing fantastic.

Here's something we were joking about last night. Since we're not using terms of endearment anymore, we decided we'll use "terms of familiarity." So, I'm calling her "brick" and she's calling me "glass of water."

She said she's going to miss laughing so much.

So yes, this weird friendship is developing. I'm not angry anymore, I don't feel like I need anything from her anymore, I am OK.

She asked me last night, "why are we still living in the same house?" I said, "I'm still waiting for you to move out." So we talked about that for awhile.

But you know what, at this point it's not about who did what. We need to seperate to be healthy, and I'm getting my head around getting an apartment very near the house. For all intents and purposes, I'm a WAS at this point. And I want to live my life. I want to step forward.

Well, we still have the legal stuff to get through. It's going to be hard. 4-way meeting with lawyers is being scheduled to happen soon.

And I am dating this woman now. For all the mixed opinions on this - I think this is right for me.

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#1867146 - 11/03/09 08:12 PM Re: Need input [Re: CityGirl]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
Quote:
The WAS tends to think the LBS will "get on board" and do just as they want. When you are not included in the decision to end a marriage then the WAS is on their own and that includes finding new housing.

I went the opposite direction. I moved out and, in my case, I think I made the right decision. We have an old, large, hard-to-maintain house. W thought she could handle her 65-hour-a-week job, the kids, the finances and the house on her own.

I got a nice two-bedroom townhouse five minutes away by bike. I'm spending about $75 more a month than a I really want to, but it's big enough that the kids can spread out and they really like the place.

W has really struggled to keep up with the house. Two months after leaving she told me she wanted to sell. I told her I agreed. I was tired of the place as well. This surprised her. She thought I had a huge emotional attachment to it because my parents lived there for two years when I was growing up.

I told her the attachment was gone long ago as it became more and more expensive to update and maintain and even after we'd finish something it still wasn't that great.

So W gets the advantage of living in the nice big place, but she's running out of money. Basic stuff like getting the leaves raked isn't happening and all of these improvement projects she was going to magically do without me are all in the 1/4 completed stage.

Me? The property manager does a great job keeping things up. I have way more space than I need when the girls aren't here. I like it there. Sometimes I get hit with the "loss of the American Dream" blues. But I know in a couple of years, if I choose to, I'll be able to afford my own house. But if it's the choice between a house or having the money to take my girls to Florida or California, I'll rent.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6

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#1901589 - 12/25/09 07:46 AM Re: Need input [Re: ClingingToHope]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Merry Christmas everyone!!

I haven't been on for a little bit, but wanted to drop in - hope all of you have a good holiday, whatever your situation.

- Bill

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#1902241 - 12/26/09 11:36 PM Re: Need input [Re: NoLongerHere]
LookingFrAnswers Offline
Member

Registered: 07/27/09
Posts: 342
Loc: OH
Hi Bill! Merry Christmas to you too. Good to hear from you. Hoping things are going well. Peace to you in the new year.
LFA

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#1903629 - 12/29/09 06:36 AM Re: Need input [Re: LookingFrAnswers]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Thanks LFA -

I'm in a 2-bedroom apartment now. Have the twins with me this week, I'm off of work. I took them sledding today in the Sierras.

Christmas was OK, we spent it as a family.

I'll be officially divorced sometime early in the next year, February or March. Lawyers are working on a settlement. I'm hoping to buy a small house, once things settle down. I hope I can.

Things are better, I guess, I haven't felt like I've had to throw once up since I moved out in early December, I'm taking that as a good sign that healing is happening. The future doesn't look like a black pit to me anymore, I don't know what it DOES look like, but it'll just be different.

Peace to you too. smile Happy New Year, and God's blessings.

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