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Today STBX comes back from her trip. D14 will go with her after school. It was a nice week with both girls home.

We'll probably get together tuesday / wednesday to sign the divorce agreements. My birthday is this week. Life goes on.


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Well...

I'd suggest telling her that the first week of November would be perfect for signatures, as you don't want to mar your future birthdays.

Unless, you actually see and believe this is a gift to yourself.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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Quote:
THis morning I was thinking "Why is it we still love the WAS, even after they have found someone else and moved on?"

My STBX doesn't have any desire to bring our family back together. So why does it take so long for us to give up the 'hope'?

I read a book after I moved out, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolles. It was about staying in the moment. Another chapter, though, was on relationships. His point is that many, many people don't actually love their spouse, they are addicted to being in a relationship.

I've been trying to figure that out. Do I really love my W or do I love the family unit, knowing I don't need to make plans every weekend, having someone to talk to -- no matter how cold she was -- at the end of the day?

Think about that. Is it the family ideal you miss or the actual person?


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Unless, you actually see and believe this is a gift to yourself.


I told her at the beginning of the month that I would do everything I could to make sure she got her divorce by the end of October.

That's a promise I will keep. It doesn't matter that it's my birthday. When she had her 'soulmate' affair in 2005 it was right about now. She came back from her massage retreat about now, took a few days to decide she had to get divorced because she had met her 'soulmate'.

Ruined that birthday too. Maybe following through with the divorce proceedings will help me to feel like I have some control here. Regardless, I am making a stand for MY life and for the lives of my daughters.

I will have a better life. I deserve it.


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Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope

I read a book after I moved out, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolles. It was about staying in the moment. Another chapter, though, was on relationships. His point is that many, many people don't actually love their spouse, they are addicted to being in a relationship.

I've been trying to figure that out. Do I really love my W or do I love the family unit, knowing I don't need to make plans every weekend, having someone to talk to -- no matter how cold she was -- at the end of the day?

Think about that. Is it the family ideal you miss or the actual person?

I have that audio book. It's good stuff.

Well, it's coming up on 22 months since the bomb, 14 months since she moved out because she was having an affair with OM. I don't remember what it was like to be a 'family unit' with her. I just remember her smile sometimes. I don't see her very often any more. It's better that way.

I think I still love her, the 'her' that lives in my memory. Not the one I see now. She's not a bad person, just lost.


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You know...

fukc the promise to her Frank.

Do this for you. If this isn't going to be something that screws up any other birthday, then do it for you. But Not because you promised her you would.

Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 10/26/09 08:20 PM.


Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
You know...

fukc the promise to her Frank.

Do this for you. If this isn't going to be something that screws up any other birthday, then do it for you. But Not because you promised her you would.


I am doing it for me. I made that 'promise' to her when she was pissin me off in the beginning of the month. As is "Don't worry I'll make sure you get your f'ing divorce by the end of this month"

And I will make sure. For me.


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Quote:
I think I still love her, the 'her' that lives in my memory. Not the one I see now. She's not a bad person, just lost.

A friend of mine at work talked to me about this. He was married to his first wife for eight years. He's been married to his second wife for more than 20. His kids are with the second one.

He said everything about his second marriage is better than his first one. Nicer lady, less stress, everything in every way.

Yet he still thinks about his first wife at least once a week, sometimes several times a week. He says the feelings never totally go away.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
He said everything about his second marriage is better than his first one. Nicer lady, less stress, everything in every way.

Yet he still thinks about his first wife at least once a week, sometimes several times a week. He says the feelings never totally go away.


Yeah, I sometimes wonder if STBX thinks about me, the brokenness of our family. I realize that I'll never stop. At least I don't hate her, nor do I feel guilty for my part in the breakup. I just accept that this is the was it is.

I'm feeling kind of down. D14 goes to her therapist in 1/2 hour and then back to the condo to live with her mom. I'm missing her already.


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Quote:
I sometimes wonder if STBX thinks about me, the brokenness of our family. I realize that I'll never stop. At least I don't hate her, nor do I feel guilty for my part in the breakup. I just accept that this is the was it is.
I'd like to say yes, she will. But who knows. There are some success stories on the board ... and a lot of others who fade away and we know what happened to them.

A coworker is dating a 24-year-old who has taken a liking to -- not in any romantic way. She thinks I look like Lance Armstrong. She gave me a bunch of her plates and silverware when I was moving out because she was moving to grad school.

So I'm over there and I meet her mom, who knows my situation. We start talking. This lady out of the blue tells her husband she wants a D 10 years ago. Totally blindsides him -- at least I saw mine coming.

She said the hardest part was getting through her H's despair. Once he accepted it, everything was fine. Turns out her ex is a guy I've known for 12 years and he's a wonderful guy.

She wraps up the story saying she wished she didn't feel the way she did. It would have been better for everyone financially.

So in this case, 10 years later, she hasn't looked back with any regrets -- or at least none that she betrayed me.

That's a depressing story but necessary. I alternate between I KNOW SOMEDAY she'll realize she made a mistake and thinking the fog may never lift -- at least here on Earth.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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http://tiny.cc/thread2
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http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6
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