I can have real mixed emotions. I can say without a doubt that using the LRT has improved our communication and interactions, but without signs that she is thinking about some sort of reconciliation you can wonder if you are just making it easier on them. It is hard to know how 'nice' to be. I really wonder if I am over doing it. For example I helped her move some things. I can feel like I am just being walked on. IDK, maybe it just takes more patience.
I am also wondering if I need to go from LRT to just dark. Let her do something. It is actually driving me crazy that she has not filed yet. ARG!!!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I have started what I think is the LRT and pulled way back. I see some minor improvements however he did tell me he wanted a D. I of course flipped and backslid. Im better now but I have discovered he is looking at OW now. He is also pondering changing his social media status from M to Single but he hasnt yet.
He hasnt filed yet but i feel he will soon.. When I was more chatty etc he was almost hatful in a sense. Now that I am not being so nice and just moving on he is inquisitive but i think it leaves him open. He is exploring OW and maybe trying to see what it is like. I dont think that what I am doing is the root of this but maybe it frees him to go on..
Who knows.. I think that regardless of what WE do our spouses would have ended up with OW or OM if they wanted to anyway.
Maybe im just bitter today..:( If im hopefull it makes me insanely depressed..
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
They are going to do what they are going to do. LRT means you try to develop a life without telling them about it. To them it looks like you're moving on or at least more mysterious. It will, hopefully, spark their interest in you again. Going Dark is a stage of LRT. Going dark is where you DON'T tell them anything that they don't ask about. And a little ambivalent about what they do ask about. Not counting discussing the kids. At least that's how I understand it. May God bless you.
M-34 W-31 2 S,11&11 1 D, 6 T 13 YEARS M 12 YEARS ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009 We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
I found out this weekend my H has been having an affair and our counseling or seperation never had a chance. He noticed my changes and I even had started LRT. Its too late now.....
Ive been lied to and decieved in a way that took advantage of my dbing and attempts to have a good R with my H.
I dont even know what to do now.. I guess it is the LRT but because of the D that is impending. How does that work when you arent sure anymore?
How do you get rid of the worthless feelings you get after you find out about the OW?
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
I found out this weekend my H has been having an affair and our counseling or seperation never had a chance. He noticed my changes and I even had started LRT. Its too late now.....
Ive been lied to and decieved in a way that took advantage of my dbing and attempts to have a good R with my H.
I dont even know what to do now.. I guess it is the LRT but because of the D that is impending. How does that work when you arent sure anymore?
How do you get rid of the worthless feelings you get after you find out about the OW?
LMH - That's exactly what happened to me, just 1.5 weeks ago, so I know how you feel. I felt lied to, made a fool of, and robbed - robbed of 5 weeks I could have been using to heal. For me, the anger about the OW was far outweighed by the anger about his deception. And I don't know how to get past that either.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
Well now my H is saying that I am blowing it out of proportion. He didnt leave because of the OW and that is what I think now according to him. He is saying he is seeing several OW right now and not just her he has no feelings for her. I feel so much better now. So all the work i have been doing he notices and all the apologizing for my part and discussing what went wrong for two months was worthless.
He didnt hear a thing.. He is just covering up his A I think.. I told him today we still dont have to get a D we can work on things (stupid on my part) he just sat there and didnt say anything.
I think that LRT is just that an LRT no matter what comes out of it. There is a chance that you could find out about OW or they could start with OW you just dont know. I think you have to be okay with the consequences no matter what.
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
I've recently begun (again) the LRT. After a pretty big fight where some hateful things were said by both of us, we didn't speak for 11 days. It was brutal on me as I can see her FB page and in the midst of trashing me on the internet she found the time to update her relationship status to "In a Relationship." Now she's posting pictures of them kissing and all that good stuff. She doesn't think I can see but I think she's aware that people tell me some stuff sometimes. Anyway, after 11 days, I broke down yesterday and sent a "Happy Halloween" text. That led to some positive interaction. I let her have the last text and then didn't respond back. I'm thinking of trying to contact her again in a week or so. I was mysterious and told her I had some cool new things going on in my life. I'm really worried she's moving with OM but I'm hoping it's just a fling as they started dating less than a month after we "officially" split up. Anyway, try and stay strong and hopefully things will work out for you. I know that is super hard to do, but it truly is the only thing that works. I think you have to let the situation with the OM or OW run its course. After your spouse has left and is dating, everythign the new person does is going to be better than how you do it. In time, as they spend more time together, the same type of problems pop up as with any relationship.
Just because you have a fight though... doesn't mean it's over. Sometimes showing strength during a fight is a good thing. Letting go, and actually pushing away from the table is the hardest thing to do. But often is quite effective.
Best, Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
I wish I would see more positive outcomes through all of this. I believe in my heart that we should be together making for the best years of our lives.
It just goes to to show that you can learn from mistakes and change even when you're approaching seniorhood;)
M-59 H-58 2 S, 1 D 2 Gr. Ch. T 20 YRS M 17 YRS ILYBINILWY 4/21/12 Caught H and OW 5/25/12 H Left 6/5/12
"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
