LRT - Does it leave open for OW?

[P17]

I have thought about this too. I've seen time and time again my W overreact and burn bridges and then, no matter what, not go back on a comment or apologize for being wrong.

Even if my W runs out of money, becomes miserable sitting at home watching movies alone or getting drunk in dive bars, that she won't turn back to our M.

That would be admitting she was wrong in the first place and she just doesn't do that. She's had self-esteem issues her whole life and being right is just so important to her.

This struck a real chord with me. I was asking my W just on Friday to try and fight to see my D (her step-D) and she just wouldn't do it. I kept thinking why she wouldn't put herself out there, open up and fight for something she wants.

But I realise now that it's not about that. It's about her admitting that what she did was wrong and admitting that she broke our family up. She would never ever do that. And that's the crux here. How long do I wait for a woman to come back to me and basically admit, not in words but in actions, that she was wrong and she made a mistake?

What do we do with these spouses to give them enough confidence to do that?

[Lucky11too]

But I realise now that it's not about that. It's about her admitting that what she did was wrong and admitting that she broke our family up. She would never ever do that. And that's the crux here. How long do I wait for a woman to come back to me and basically admit, not in words but in actions, that she was wrong and she made a mistake?

What do we do with these spouses to give them enough confidence to do that?

Exactly! It seems like this is the road block that is stopping many of our R’s from reconciliation. Since ‘we'’ can’t change 'them', the only thing that I can think of is that we have to let go of the past so that they can too. I’m coming to the realization that ‘they’ may never do that on their own.

My H, in a weak moment said, "if we get back together, please don't ever ask me about the past." And I just told him, “well, if you are willing to work on us and make us (me and S) the priority, then I can let the past be the past”. Then it really would be up to us to make sure we really do just look to the future and not bring up (especially when we are angry) all the hurt they have caused in that past. I’m sure somewhere deep inside they know what they did was wrong, so they probably fear that constant reminder from us. As much as I want my H to pay for all the hurt he has caused me, or maybe even just to understand, I know the only way for us to move forward is to truly forgive H and somehow give him that reassurance.

[GH31]

H & I have been separated for almost a year now, but I also know that H needs daily interaction and confirmation and someone just to ask,"how are you doing today".

Lucky, how often were you interacting with your husband prior to enacting LRT?

[rr22]

Lucky,

Has he acknowledged any part in this break up or mistakes on his part or does he claim you "drove" him to it and thus it's all your fault?

[Wildaces81]

[quote]
I've been terrible at this. I'll go a couple of weeks, then we'll have to talk because of the kids and I'll lose my patience and force an R talk and allow her the satistaction of rejecting me again.

This is what I am afraid of going through. My W left the house today and has OM in her life that she says she is "falling for" I still love her deeply and want us to work things out. My problem is that I'm going to see her every day while we are separated because my two kids D7 and S2 are staying with me. I have no idea how I am going to not interact with her. I hope and pray I bite my tongue and not talk about the R or the OM but so far I fail.

I am however making the steps to GAL it up. I plan on getting my kids involved in any and every after school activity. I have started to work out again and my appetite is slowly coming back(lost 18 lbs in two and a half weeks.)

[Wildaces81]

Lucky, I see this has been up for a while and no one had really posted. Well here is what I have been doing. I have stopped talking about our R and OM. I have been doing things for myself like working out. Drawing more and spending every spare moment with my kids. I'm worried about the OM also but I care more for my wife and my M that I will not let it bring me down. I pray pray pray for God to show me his will. And I have faith that if i take it one day at a time and I show my wife that I have changed she will begin to notice, but that isn't the important thing. i need to change for me. I have been taking my kids out each weekend and my W comes along. So by doing things with my kids on the weekend I know I'm getting to spend time with her also.

Start to GAL or do 180's have a strong PMA and make sure you always(even though it is hard) are in a good mood when your H comes around. My wife seems to feed off my good mood and when I bite my tongue when I want to talk about M and R I find it easier to joke around with her and do a little flirting. Just do what works for you. Not all things like going dark or doing LRT may work. If it feels like the right thing to do then I say do it. I've been going with my gut since I read the DB book and things for me personally have been looking up. And things for us have been getting easier.

Good luck,
Aces

[lees]

So without the kids to keep your contact going and allow the WAS to see your changes how do you do this?

I've been dark for not very long really - I suppose maybe a couple of weeks but she would still phone me and ask for stuff frequently and have minor R talks. I've been truly dark for about 4 days after telling her not to contact me unless she wishes to discuss our marriage (prior to finding DB online). There is already OM firmly involved and has been since at least 2 weeks after she ended our marriage, and they knew each other for several months before this. The OM professes to be in love with her - I asked her if she was with him and she wouldn't answer.

I'm feeling at the moment that since I went dark she'll just forget, is busy doing lots of exciting things with the OM and generally living the Life of Riley. I slammed the door on her "needing" me to help with her computer issues. Now I know that she has the OM laptop instead. I feel very much like I've just been replaced.

How do I get out of this situation? I've got the DR book and am waiting for the DB book to arrive.

[punkin]

Do what works and stop doing what doesn't.

I've been 'dark' with my WH now for 3 weeks. I even have a NC order on him through my lawyer. Is it too soon to say going 'dark' didn't work, or am I being overly anxious? He hasn't tried to reach me other than through our daughter to ask for something he forgot to take?

[Royloveshiswife]

The main thing I got from the LRT was that I can't be worrying about what she is doing. That makes it hard. But thats the way I see it. I'm working on me. That way the occasions she sees me, I'm the me I've always wanted to be. Not the clingy, whiny guy she ran off. Ain't no wonder she didn't like him.

[angel61]

Its really such as struggle. I am in the same boat - I also get that feeling that he is eating cake. So I decided, for my own sake, that I will eat cake too, since the benefit is both ways. I let him know that I need to interact for my own sake, so he gets the feeling that he is doing something for me. Somehow, that validates his wanting to be needed, without me pursuing.

Although easy for me as we are not S, just in a compromise mode -staying together for the sake of D.