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#1862454 - 10/26/09 03:43 PM LRT - Does it leave open for OW?
Lucky11too Offline
Member

Registered: 10/19/09
Posts: 633
Loc: California
Just wanted to know what you guys think. I struggle with the last resort techinique beacuse by going dark & not initiating any contact, it seems ilke I am only leaving room for that OW to fill that emotional need and human contact. I know I should try to follow it since H & I have been separated for almost a year now, but I also know that H needs daily interaction and confirmation and someone just to ask,"how are you doing today". So if it's not me, then it's going to be someone else. What have been people's results with the LRT technique and going dark?
_________________________
Me 27; H 28; S 2
Togeth 9; M 4
Sep 11/14/08
EA OW1 Sep 08
EA OW2 Mar 09
EA OW3 Jun 10

First: http://tinyurl.com/2fd6ou8
Current: http://tinyurl.com/2etp7c9

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#1862504 - 10/26/09 04:43 PM Re: LRT - Does it leave open for OW? [Re: Lucky11too]
jstv Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/09
Posts: 42
Hi...i'm in a similar sitch and my H is the same way and needs that attention to feel good about himself. We have been seperated for 3 1/2 months. Does a year seem like forever? Have you had any progress?

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#1862624 - 10/26/09 07:47 PM Re: LRT - Does it leave open for OW? [Re: jstv]
Lucky11too Offline
Member

Registered: 10/19/09
Posts: 633
Loc: California
OMG, in some ways it has gone by so fast and others, it seems like a century has passed by. So much has changed this past year-it's unbelievable. Unfortunately, I sat in my anger and resentment for too long, so the first 6 months was such a waste and I just degraded our relationship further. Recently, I have tried to continue the daily interaction (or at the max - a couple of days), and he has responded favorably, but still, I am not seeing much progress towards reconciliation. I am trying to walk that very fine line of not overdoing it and coming off as 'pursuing' him - very difficult! At the beginning, I tried ignoring him so that he would miss me, but that backfired b/c when I did see him/interact with him, I would cry, beg for him to go to C, go off on him about OW. So yes, very counterproductive (def not Dbing). DBing definitely has improved the friendship of our relationship (we are no longer hostile enemies), but I still cannot tell if it will be enough to save our marriage. Trying to stay positive though!
_________________________
Me 27; H 28; S 2
Togeth 9; M 4
Sep 11/14/08
EA OW1 Sep 08
EA OW2 Mar 09
EA OW3 Jun 10

First: http://tinyurl.com/2fd6ou8
Current: http://tinyurl.com/2etp7c9

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#1862632 - 10/26/09 07:57 PM Re: LRT - Does it leave open for OW? [Re: Lucky11too]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
Quote:
I know I should try to follow it since H & I have been separated for almost a year now, but I also know that H needs daily interaction and confirmation and someone just to ask,"how are you doing today". So if it's not me, then it's going to be someone else. What have been people's results with the LRT technique and going dark?

Here's a simple rule -- that I haven't been good at keeping -- do what works and stop doing what doesn't. If you've been keeping up the daily interation and he hasn't made any moves toward reconciliation you are wasting your time. He is cake eating. He gets the attention he craves but doesn't have to recommit.

If he truly needs that interaction, don't give it to him. That's the premise here and if you read the success stories it's what they did. Make him miss you.

I've been terrible at this. I'll go a couple of weeks, then we'll have to talk because of the kids and I'll lose my patience and force an R talk and allow her the satistaction of rejecting me again.

I'm not going to do it anymore, haven't for three weeks now, am getting an attorney and making the moves to protect myself financially and rebuilding my social network.

Do you truly believe you are the one for your H, then even if some OW does move in eventually it will fade and he'll come back to you. They say here it's all about confidence.

Of course, it's easier said than done.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6

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#1862633 - 10/26/09 07:58 PM Re: LRT - Does it leave open for OW? [Re: Lucky11too]
jstv Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/09
Posts: 42
I feel for you. I think my H is going through a MLC too. He literally walked out one day out of the blue 3 1/2 months ago and he went to C but "shut down" so no progress was made with that. I continue to go to IC and it has been good. I'm not sure though if I want him back but we have 3 little children and it's all been a whirlwind!

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#1863011 - 10/27/09 12:12 PM Re: LRT - Does it leave open for OW? [Re: ClingingToHope]
Lucky11too Offline
Member

Registered: 10/19/09
Posts: 633
Loc: California
Quote:
Here's a simple rule -- that I haven't been good at keeping -- do what works and stop doing what doesn't. If you've been keeping up the daily interation and he hasn't made any moves toward reconciliation you are wasting your time. He is cake eating. He gets the attention he craves but doesn't have to recommit.


Wow! You are so right! He is so cake eating. I totally needed that slap in the face. The only thing I struggle with is that I just know how stubborn he is (from the past 9 years with him) - it seems he would rather let it fail then have to put his ego aside (and in this case, be the one to initiate contact/reconciliation). It's hard not being able to see the future to know if ignoring him will 'rekindle his love for me' or just put the nail in the casket. But like you said, he's getting all the benefits right now - attention and interaction from me while still being able to run around & do whatever he wants, while I sit here miserable. Time to try something differet! Must be strong!

So what do you think - when H does initiate contact when you're "in the dark", do you give short responses back then?

Quote:
Do you truly believe you are the one for your H, then even if some OW does move in eventually it will fade and he'll come back to you. They say here it's all about confidence.


I don't know about this one. Sometime I think I'm only doing this b/c I want my S to have a family. Well, maybe S is my motivation, but I do love and care for my H and truly want our marriage to work. We are very different people, but it's often those differences that complement each other - so yes, i am the one for H. Confidence, right! =)

I agree. It’s just so hard. So often I just want an answer to where our R stands, but like you said, it just gives them a chance to reject us again b/c they are not there yet. Great job on taking care of you and protecting yourself though!
_________________________
Me 27; H 28; S 2
Togeth 9; M 4
Sep 11/14/08
EA OW1 Sep 08
EA OW2 Mar 09
EA OW3 Jun 10

First: http://tinyurl.com/2fd6ou8
Current: http://tinyurl.com/2etp7c9

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#1863612 - 10/28/09 12:31 PM Re: LRT - Does it leave open for OW? [Re: Lucky11too]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
Quote:
The only thing I struggle with is that I just know how stubborn he is (from the past 9 years with him) - it seems he would rather let it fail then have to put his ego aside (and in this case, be the one to initiate contact/reconciliation).

I have thought about this too. I've seen time and time again my W overreact and burn bridges and then, no matter what, not go back on a comment or apologize for being wrong.

Even if my W runs out of money, becomes miserable sitting at home watching movies alone or getting drunk in dive bars, that she won't turn back to our M.

That would be admitting she was wrong in the first place and she just doesn't do that. She's had self-esteem issues her whole life and being right is just so important to her.

At first, I'd imagine all these scenarios of how we'd reconnect. Now, try as I might, I can't come up with anything. The decision has been made and, right or wrong, she's going to follow through.

I can't help you there, I guess. The only thing I can say is to ask if you could step back into your M without your H making any changes whatsoever, would you be happy?

Me. No. It would mean going back to a M with no physical intimacy. One person's mood affecting the entire family. Binge spending to keep her out of depression. Lots of silence.

I've worked hard on realizing what I did wrong and the list is long. I'd love to be the husband I believe I can be. But she'd have to recommit and make an effort to fill my needs as well.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6

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#1863715 - 10/28/09 02:04 PM Re: LRT - Does it leave open for OW? [Re: ClingingToHope]
Lucky11too Offline
Member

Registered: 10/19/09
Posts: 633
Loc: California
Me neither. I could not imagine going back to that loveless, lifeless marriage. I know I have made a change in me, but without his commitment to make our marriage work, the resentment will start to come back and we'll be back in the same place we are today. I know I can be & now have the tools to be a much better wife, but unless he in turn wants to be a better husband, it just won't work.

It's amazing how an experience like this can really make you re-evaluate yourself. I can now see all the things I did wrong (I also have a long list) and the things I could improve on in the relationship with H. It's so important b/c I think it will allow me to be a better W (hopefully to H).

Yes, that drives me crazy. I feel like shouting half the time, 'just admit you are wrong, so I can forgive you, and we can move on!" I think it's stubborness, self-esteem issues, and even a power struggle issue. It seems like to them, coming back after making their decision gives up all their power in the relationship. Not sure how they can get past this, but they need to!

I can still imagine reconciliation senarios, but unfortuantely, I know the only way this will happen & for us to move forward is to just put the past behind us and look to the future, b/c there is no way he is ever going to admit he was wrong. (but that scares me, b/c if you don't admit it was wrong, how do I know you won't do it again).

But going back, it does make DBing a little more difficult b/c it kind of relies on u changing u and then your spouse responding, but when they're too stubborn to change b/c of above issues(even if they know they should), it's just down-right frustrating. I wonder how you get them past that point...
_________________________
Me 27; H 28; S 2
Togeth 9; M 4
Sep 11/14/08
EA OW1 Sep 08
EA OW2 Mar 09
EA OW3 Jun 10

First: http://tinyurl.com/2fd6ou8
Current: http://tinyurl.com/2etp7c9

Top
#1863908 - 10/28/09 07:35 PM Re: LRT - Does it leave open for OW? [Re: Lucky11too]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
Quote:
It seems like to them, coming back after making their decision gives up all their power in the relationship. Not sure how they can get past this, but they need to!

Yes, W probably has had the upper hand in our R since she first mentioned divorce five years ago.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6

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#1863936 - 10/28/09 08:09 PM Re: LRT - Does it leave open for OW? [Re: ClingingToHope]
jstv Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/09
Posts: 42
I am in the same sitch as you both. I honestly think my H feels he can never actually communicate what he has felt/done because of self-esteem issues. We went to MC and the C asked "why" he left and he just said he "was done" and coldn't come up with any better explaination. Since then, if any of our interactions become heated then he just walks away. I would never ever want to go back to that type of R. But, as we all know, we are scared, lonely and there is love.

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