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Eskimo Nell #1861296 10/23/09 11:35 PM
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Hey guys -

Thank you for all your input.

Our finances are still joint. W's assertion is that she needs internet access to run her business. She also needs her cell phone to run her business. She's been paying all the bills out of our joint account - including my credit card. And she brings in some income.

Honestly, cutting off her contact isn't going to do any good. What's done is done. My trying to control the situation will not change anything fundamental.

I have let go. And I feel a hell of a lot better. I'm thinking more clearly. I am functioning better.

I gave her my ring, I am not wearing it. I don't even know where it is or what she's done with it. I told her I am done. And that's how I feel. This isn't about her anymore. She can do what she wants. It's about me now.

Wow - isn't that a key phrase. She can do what she wants. Because, when she was committed to our M, she was doing what she wanted. Isn't that what we want? We want our spouses be with us because that's what they want to do.

She's not doing well with all this. She's really not.

But I feel liberated.

She took the kids to her parents for the weekend. I'm alone now.

NoLongerHere #1861300 10/23/09 11:42 PM
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Originally Posted By: BillM
Isn't that what we want? We want our spouses be with us because that's what they want to do.
Yep. Anything else is basically meaningless.

Good for you, Bill


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


NoLongerHere #1861320 10/24/09 12:21 AM
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Originally Posted By: BillM

Our finances are still joint. W's assertion is that she needs internet access to run her business. She also needs her cell phone to run her business. She's been paying all the bills out of our joint account - including my credit card. And she brings in some income.


Have you talked to an accountant or L about this? I had the same thing and H took the money in our savings account, and what little was in the checking account too. They do things you would never expect. I think you should separate the finances at this point, her cell & internet should be paid for by her account. B/c she's moving out next week anyway right? Easier to have separate accounts when you're living separately.

It's not a matter of control, it's a matter of boundaries which are two different things.

Btw, are you still on for the meeting with friend tomorrow? I think that's an excellent idea; please keep as busy as possible and don't even TRY to do anything stressful. Things will get better quickly. I'm actually happier now than I ever was when married; my X was more of a parental type figure, criticizing me a lot and all.


Last edited by karen43; 10/24/09 12:24 AM.

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karen43 #1861368 10/24/09 02:21 AM
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Guys, I'm not going to worry about anything right now. The lawyers are going to work, we'll seperate our finances soon enough.

Karen, no, she's declining to move out. Well, whatever. But she cleared out for the weekend, took the kids to her mom's.

I'm amazed at how OK I am right now. OK alone.
And I actually enjoyed work today.

I went after work and bought some new pants. After losing 20 pounds through all this, my clothes didn't fit. And a nice sweater - and a new belt ('cause, you know, the existing clothes not fitting). Pleased with the result. Good-fitting clothes again.

Yep, meeting up with my friend tomorrow.

I am going to do some work this weekend - I've been so distracted for so long, I've got some catch-up to do. But that's OK - kind of seeing it as taking care of myself, taking care of my career. Not going to stress myself out.

Letting go. Wow.

NoLongerHere #1861420 10/24/09 09:42 AM
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Letting go is somehow kinda freeing as well! Once youre finances are more sorted out things will feel better Im sure! Mine are tied in with H's like Nell's although he has been good to me so far and Im looking for a job, it was a joint decision I became a SAHW so he doesnt complain.

Hope you have a positive day and defintely buy more new clothes, Ive lost two and bit stone odd and buying new clothes has certainly bouyed me up a lot! Feeling good about yourself if always good for you!


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Once lost but now found and happily married again!
NoLongerHere #1861456 10/24/09 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted By: BillM
Guys, I'm not going to worry about anything right now. The lawyers are going to work, we'll seperate our finances soon enough.


Just a word of caution. I never thought my W would do anything dishonest. However, that all changed when she decided she was entitled to all the money (not much) in our checking account. She also thought she was entitled to close our joint checking account without telling me. This action alone cost me several hundred $ in fines, late fees and other crap.


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M-15 yrs T-17 yrs
D-12
S-9
S-8
B 5/08
S 1/09
C-Bart #1861465 10/24/09 01:58 PM
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I had the same thing happen. I think the WAS thinking processes are different than the LBS, some (maybe most) seem to have a sense of entitlement that can make joint finances a problem.

How do you feel about your W not moving out? I've seen divorces happen quickly, but often they can take a year or 2 also. Just getting court dates can take months sometimes. This may be a longer process than you would imagine. Mine is going to be about 18 months start to finish, if we don't have another delay (the judge asked for a continuance already). If she's still carrying on the A, I think living with her will be extremely difficult, at least that was my experience.

I'm glad you're going out today. New clothes sound good too.


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karen43 #1861833 10/25/09 03:31 PM
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Wow. Wow. Wow.

Things happened yesterday that made me believe my W is right - we're not compatible.

I'm OK with the M being over. I'm OK with moving forward in the most productive, unhurtful way.

NoLongerHere #1861838 10/25/09 03:49 PM
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just my 0.02 cents, in a nutshell compatibility is crap,
if personal growth is a continuous process which means people continue to evolve & change, how can compatibility be used as a measure of success with a relationship.

It's great to share a common interest(s), or hobbies, etc but it's not a requirement.

Attraction between 2 people is an automatic, unconscious process which doesn't take into account "compatibility", ie. "he loves the color red just like I do and we both play tennis, we should be together for life, we're so compatible!"

Bill, detaching is the way to go.

Let go of her.

robx #1861839 10/25/09 03:50 PM
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I have so let go.

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