Oh Sanderika - you are the sweetest and I so value all your kind words (((hugs))).
I trust that what you are telling me is right. I shall REALLY try so hard next time - I must see H as the lost lamb and look after him ... even though that brings harsh words from Gucci.
I WANT to hear what H has to say and about why it is that he's so unhappy ... I do think that he is totally infatuated with ow - tells his family and one of our friends that he loves her. He believes that she is his future and I am not. That's a hard thing for me to hear. I have asked him to talk to me about the 'difficulties' but he continues to say that I won't want to hear it and I guess that I do shut it down as I am fearful for what it is that I will hear. Next time, I shall try to face that - what you have said about the tramp taking my H away is quite true. Yesterday H said that he does not allow anyone to bad mouth me (meaning bimbo, I presume) and he said that in the same light, he will not allow me to bad mouth back. He defends her by saying "there is no such person as bimbo - that's your name that you have attached to her" .... I just could never bring myself to say the real name and I shudder when I hear it, or see it on a name tag on a woman in a store. It makes me want to vomit. (Glad that we all use annonymous names here)!
I wanted to say goodbye properly last evening. H worked so hard and deserved more than the way I left things. I just had to run away from him - if he saw my inner rage (which he did), then he also saw my inner misery, which I did not want him to see. I also wanted to reach out for him but I knew that I would be rejected and that would have been twice as hard to cope with.
I've got a lot of growing still to do Sanderika. I am hopeful that if you can have turned it around with your H, then I can do it too. I hope that when I write stuff here that I am portraying the real facts - I certainly feel that I am. It's so difficult for me to know though as H often sees things differently to when I relate stories. That means that I could be telling you all this and it's not how he sees things at all.
Funnily enough, yesterday when we were buying coffees, he was hanging around the candy stall and showed me several things which seemed to amuse him. I don't know what that was all about, even though I made a saucy face at one of the products and said "I know what I would like to do with that" ... no response.
Later, when we were in the garden and I had the hose to water down the manure (ah, the romance of the story!), I flicked the water toward him, joking that I might have to spray him from head to toe - he just said "don't you dare" but was grinning! In the 'old days' we used to have such fun - he once painted my overalls as we renovated our first home and then we had a plaster fight ... I won't even tell you about the day that he literally boarded me in, under the stairs and then got an electric saw to make a hole to cut me out of my prison!! (Actually, we were boarding under the stairs to make some storage space)! All those things were such good fun.
I said to H that he should have brought a change of clothes and he said that it would have been a good idea. If he does next time, he's definitely getting the hose treatment!!!!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I see problems in the sitch with the OW from your words in the previous post. Honest.
He may think he loves her. She comes with baggage and mark my words is controlling and demanding and insecure. She is looking for a meal ticket in your H.
I would bet money that this is beginning to wear thin with your H. Your H is questioning his rash choice. He is testing the water by coming around to see you. Give him the unexpected. If he receives what he dislikes he will not give it second thought to return.
If you treat H right you will gain tons of knowledge about his feelings and current state of mind. If you want this information you can get it if you show H you can be trusted and that you are compassionate and sympathetic to him.
Do not be afraid of what you hear. He is in a MLC. Remember your own advice to Lost Rabbit back at the beginning of her sitch: "believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see". These words are so true it is scary.
When H and I talk of the OW I say "she or her" I never use her name, to me she isn't human and doesn't deserve the respect of a name. Behind the scenes and to everyone else OW is "White Trash B*tch".
Don't be hard on yourself. We have all done what you are. We also all have second guessed our H thoughts, wants and current state of mind regarding the sitch. You won't be able to stop this behavior as long as you are involved in this. Use it wisely instead.
You do get to a place where your behaviors and choices are better for the sitch than when it all started. It is from knowledge and experience and they are valuable tools in dealing with the MLC H.
You have heard the line: "Fake it til you make it" It applies here. This is what we do. You have to learn to bury your pain. You have to learn to bury your rage. You have to learn to bury your unhappiness and misery. You have to learn to bury your depression.
You have to learn to show H the sweet, loving, wonderful, irresistable Nell.
Trust me when I tell you, If I could turn myself around you can. If I can regain a relationship with my H, you can. I have a ways to go here....this will be a work in progress for a long time. It can be done. I truly believe you have reason for hope after reading your post. I would not tell you only what you want to hear. My dear, the work has to be yours.
I am headed off to bed, I will check in with you tomorrow.
Have a good day, keep the PMA going, you have to.....
(((((Hugs)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I'm glad that I just came back to check on my thread as I was all for sending H an email. Now I don't think that it's such a bad idea, it just has to have different content. I need to tell him that I am prepared to listen to his troubles - whatever it costs me emotionally. Behind the scenes, it will be the only way that I can think of to start fighting fire with fire.
That tramp evidently has his ear and I am convinced that he honestly believes it's where he has to be ... he's looking for jobs interstate and when I tell him that he should go, he agrees that it is what will happen but the timing is not yet right "due to circumstance". It's him being short, blunt and mysterious. I need to root around a bit and find out what I am dealing with. I need to know what "due to circumstances" actually means. If you are right about bimbo (and I pray that you are), I probably will have a sporting chance. Now that I know she is in the game of bad mouthing me and he is not putting up with that, that's at least one up to me, eh?!!
Sanderika, my C believes that H is not done and that we have plenty to work off. I believe that too. My friends back in the UK have always commented that we are the 'perfect couple' and yet H now has no belief that we can turn this around. I told him that he would have to want to and he says "that's just it - now you are getting it - I just plain don't want to". I mentioned to him that I had plans to alter his Wedding Ring, which I have, and he said "that's fine - do what you want with it - it doesn't matter to me - it's yours". That cut me deeply. I retaliated with "then I could also take my Wedding Dress to the Salvo's I guess" and he said "likewise - it's not like you will wear it again" and I acknowledged that he was right - I shan't ever get married again. He laughed and said "I think that you might but you would have to have a new dress". My heart was breaking with every word.
Yesterday I mentioned to him that I had invited him previously for coffee/breakfast and that he had declined. He said "you only asked me twice" - I corrected that it was three times actually and told him that 3 times was enough to be refused and so I gave up. Was that him asking for another invite?? I'm wondering now if I should invite him again?
Reading your thoughts, and many others, putting that together with what he said about not making plans until after Christmas and trying to get him to talk to me about ow, I see that as buying me a few weeks more to get his attention. If I can get the convo going with him, and I think that I MAY be able to, that would put me back on the racing grid, would it not? Once I'm back there, I could have a sporting chance, even if it's a slim one. Better to be in the race than on the subs bench or in the Sin Bin, I suppose.
Thank you again - my tears have stopped and I can feel the PMA starting to creep back in.
Hey, I just noticed that I have been crying again lately - this is good! I was the Barney Rubble of the tears department until very recently ... does feel better to be able to let it out - try as I might before, I could not. All cried out? Ha! Annie Lennox, eat your heart out!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Patience, dear Nell. Although it's hard to see through the forest, this process IS changing you, and for the better. Your husband notices. It takes time. Patience!
Tulsa Time - so good of you to drop in. Thank you for your encouragement. It's in the depths of despair that people tend to gather around and I am blessed with all that look out for me here. It's why we must pay it forward when and where we can.
Well, I decided that I was not going to let myself be put down by yesterday evening's events. I sent H a quick text (not pursuing!) to say that I hoped his day was off to a good start with a nice lie in (which he was desperate for) and that his back wasn't as sore as mine is ... that the studying (for his project that we discussed yesterday) was going well.
Back came his response "good lie in - back in half - up to my neck in the studying" .... I left it a while and then replied that the gardens were worth the effort - they look good. Said that I was unable to help with the studying but that I could willingly help with his back - and an emoticon with a wicked grin to follow! Nothing returned but he is up to his ears in studying!
We were debating yesterday on what day we had arrived back from the UK. I just found my last years diary and flicked him an email, not to disturb him again by text. He doesn't pick his emails up daily now, so it's likely to be Wednesday before he gets it in any case. Just let him know the dates that we were away and closed by affirming his almost-suggestion for the breakfast/coffee invite again "Have a good week at work and perhaps we will catch up soon - maybe fourth time lucky on the breakfast/coffee invite? " ... and so it is now left. Firmly in his court. If he doesn't initiate any contact, then I shall not either. Something tells me that he will ... though not for quite a few days.
I'm ready. He's already laid the plans out for doing the sheep sh*te run again ... probably another two days worth of work there and then there's heaps of excuses to visit, if he's truly looking for some. He didn't look at the pool and spa yesterday and, as regular viewers will know, they are his favourites to get sorted! I just have to get a trailer load of this Patience stuff ... I think that it lives next door to PMA .... anybody got an excess that they can sell to me??
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
As I read through your first posting of yesterday's details I could see so much of my early separation self in your reactions. You are appearing desperate and intense. I think you need to relax and detach but this will only happen with time. Be light and fun, the person H fell in love with all those years ago.
Overall, though I was pleasantly surprised by the day's events. There were plenty of positives from H.
Thanks Cas - pretty much what Sanderika said too. That's reassuring when lots of people agree!! I am increasing my PMA as the day goes along.
It's so hard not to be desperate and intense when you feel that you are losing the battle. Of course, you are right in that I should be light and fun - he's not going to respond to anything other, is he?
My friend just text me and I realised that I missed a trick yesterday. H said "you should turn the spa temp up" and I said "leaving it off for now, too expensive to run whilst I'm on my own" .... what I should have said was "yeah, crank it up, we will need a good soak tomorrow after all this work and you can sit in there with your books and have a study soak"!! Too late now but it's in my memory bank for next time! I can see so many opportunities to 'act as if' the next time I see him. Yes, I have to stay away from the R talk - I think that I can do that next time. One step at a time.
I'm glad that you heard the positives too ... I needed to know that they were there and not that I had just imagined them.
(((Cas)))
Patience is a virtue - will someone please hurry and make me virtuous?!!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Hi Nell...I hear ya on the trailer load of patience... sounds like the best choice to now leave it in his court. Oh, it is so counter-intuitive isn't it? so hard.... Hang in there, be strong!
