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Good Morning (((Nell))),

Are you up and feeling ok???

I am worried about you.......

Sanderika


ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11
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Thank you ladies for your support. I know exactly what I did wrong yesterday and even though it pains me to say it, my desperation made me backslide, backslide and then backslide even further. I broke every rule in the DB book - again.

It all started off well. H picked me up and we went to shop for the sheep manure. Had to hang around a bit waiting on a trailer so decided to drive out for coffee. Long story short, we ended up doing the journey three times in total - two loads and then took the trailer back. This allowed us lots of time in the car - however, 1) I saw ow's hair band in the cup holder 2) screen save came on H's cellphone with the tramps photo. I have never seen bimbo before and it was a bitter blow 3) Hotel brochure in door pocket - all negative. Positive were that there was still stuff of mine in the car ... ??? Couldn't figure that out at all.

With all the driving time we somehow started R talk and I said that it seemed more than obvious that he was done and never now coming home. He said that I was putting words in to his mouth and yet he didn't believe that there was a way forward for us. I believe, he doesn't. He admitted that things in his new world are not right and again he wouldn't say more about it as it's all stuff that he considers that I would not want to hear, naturally so. I said that I wanted him to be happy but not at the expense of our 17 years together. He said that he could not go on the way it was and I admitted that I still don't know why he feels that way - yes we rowed, as do all couples, but I don't know where he has this picture from that he evidently does. He made out that we were rowing longer and more frequently - and that's just not true. He ignores everything that I have said about my feelings of sadness and emigration adjustment. I told him that I felt he had rewritten our history, he says that he has not. He smiled as he said that we have lots of good memories. He used the WE word quite a lot throughout the day.

Got on with preparing the 'beds' and laying the manure. We work so well as a team and H complimented my new found stamina for hard work - and it was. About 7hrs of pulling weeds, pulling out plants, shovelling, brushing and damping down. We were both exhausted. Neither of us had stopped for lunch and so I offered that I could make something for us to eat with a cuppa and he said "a glass of water will be fine" - that's all we both had all day - one coffee, two glasses of water.

Before H left, we sat on the patio and played with the cats. H looked content curled up on the lounger and he talked about work and how he would be spending two out of every four weeks in Sydney, with the new project. He was sad about it as it interfered with every aspect of his life. I intimated that he should get a new job, whatever he could and move nearer to ow if that would make him happy. He said that it would not - there are too many complications, as he put it.

Our talk throughout the day gave away some of his feelings toward me and, whilst I can't say that I know exactly how he is feeling, I can only summarise it in that his head is done but his heart is not - not totally, not completely. He has feelings ... he wants to spend time with me. I asked him why he had offered to help yesterday and he said that he wanted to. I asked him if he missed his home and he said "home ... yes, house no". He went on to say that he felt that I had forced his hand in moving out of our home because my rage was getting worse. I asked him to imagine how he would feel if the bomb had been dropped on him rather than vice versa. He said that he understood but was not prepared to tolerate such.

I said something which touched the usual raw nerve and he got up to leave. I walked out with him and he kept a big distance between us. I asked him why he was leaving this way, again and he said that he won't put up with me abusing him. I had not. I had merely given an opinion (he's allowed to, I'm not). In other words, I got too close - verbally - and he felt uncomfortable. He said that I was still raging and I commented that was just not true - I have not raised my voice once in the past three visits and I am very calm. He agreed that I was but said "your raging inside - I can see it in your eyes" .. huh, windows to the soul, indeed. He reads me so well - but then he is the one person in the world that knows me so well. I walked indoors without a goodbye and he drove away.

I called him almost two hours later but apparently he was in the shower. I had left a voice mail and he sent me a text to say that he was too tired after our hard work, had decided not to go out after all and was headed to bed. He thanked me for thanking him.

Positives of the day were:

1) I found out that he does have feelings - they are just low in his current priorities
2) He initiated this sheep manure day and wants to do it again, working on a different part of the garden
3) We still work really well as a team!
4) I know that he's not happy ... sorry, but that is a positive for me!
5) I got three trips out in the car with him - I haven't even been in his car since June 1st.
6) He said that he has no plans right now but will start to look at what he wants after Christmas
7) He agreed with some of my 'garden plans' and, after they were executed, he said that it was a good thing to have done, even though he was a bit reluctant at first (this showed me that he does have pride in the home, even though we both wanted to sell the house pre-bomb)
8) I was able to pay my way financially for the first time since pre-bomb
9) H's funds are running low as he has had to fund his business trip and await his expenses. I was able to offer him a loan, which he gallantly declined!
10) H stayed for 7hrs yesterday - the longest time since becoming WAH.

Apologies for long post but it was a long day. I'm left feeling a bit numb and daunted but I feel that, in a strange way, I gained something - I just don't know what. Overall, I feel confused in that now I know he still has feelings but just isn't prepared to act on them as he is - in my view - scared. He feels life with ow is a better choice for him and I feel that the water is running out of my tub far too quickly.

I guess that I just sit back now and wait ... right??


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
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Hi Sanderika - yes! I'm up and it's so sweet of you to worry about me, but I am better today. (((Hugs4U))).

I reacted badly last night to the disappointments that the day brought. I should have been looking at the successes and celebrating them for there were some. I had been warned, my horoscope was right!

Guess that I just can't get my head away from H having his heels so firmly dug in to ow territory - but still being relatively kind and quite caring toward me .... go figure??

How has your day been?


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Hi Nell,
so sorry to hear that the visit had not been as you had hoped. I don't know how much I can contribute being such a newbie myself, but to me... it sounds a bit encouraging that his heart is not done. My H has been telling me since the bomb that he is "emotionally dead" and he doesn't know if his heart is in this... so devestating. I think if he told me his heart wasn't done, but his head was I would feel like "good... we can work on your head but the heart is harder to change". Just my 2 cents....Hope you are doing ok. Have been known to find solace at the bottom of a wine bottle myself in the past few months. Finally realized that was not helping and have seemed to better with detaching since I stopped all that. Thinking of you...

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Hi RW
Just been visiting over at yours!

I hope that my observation of H's heart not being done is right - they were my words and not his. He's a good man and I know that he must have been hurting so badly to have taken this action. We have always abhorred the concept of people who have A's but he felt that he was done BEFORE he moved along to ow and for him, that feels OK. I feel that it is not.

Don't go worrying about me and the wine bottle! That's about the second one I have had in oh ... probably about 18 months!! I can take it or leave it with alcohol and although I like to have some in for visitors and the like, it's a rare thing for me to drink. I just felt that I worked hard enough yesterday to treat myself to one and that one became half a bottle with my disappointment and continuing pain.

Was awake most of the night - guess I've only had about three hours sleep and am now suffering from "Gardeners Back" to add to my misery!!

Doubt if I will hear from H for a while now but I know that I have to keep my distance until he comes to me next.

Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 10/24/09 11:59 PM.

WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
Joined: Aug 2009
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Hi, Nell. I have been a lurker in our thread for a while now, just never posted. I am in a down moment myself now just because of the reality of it all.

You know your H after 17 y of M, so you are probably right that his heart is not done, which is a good thing. Regardless of if you stay together or not, I believe that life after M is probably better if there is still caring involved, not by experience of course, just a hunch. I do see possibility in that your H is not happy in his current sitch. My advice, thought I can't seem to listen to myself all the time, would be to not bring up the R the next time you see each other and for as long as possible after that. He said he misses "home, not the house," Home means you and the cats. Do your best to let the anger out through hard work while you are alone and to be the most positive you can be while you are in contact with your H. You will feel better about it in the long run, I think.

Take care.

BIM


BIM
M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11

my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127




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(((((Nell)))))

I don't really see all that much bad in your day!!!!!!

Since you gave me a lot too digest, this is a bit for now....

I see the relationship talk as bad. Your not supposee to have them, remember!!!! It's way too early to get all nitty-gritty with your H. The context was not all that bad. H told you what he thought was honest. It's not bad, it gives you a place to work from. Knowledge is power.

The positives are as long as H has feelings for you and cares about the home you have lots to build on. Lots, girlfriend. Do you hear me. This is not hopeless.

H has feelings for you, love is hard to deny and leave. His brain can be changed with consistent behavior and time.

He misses the home (the home is you, the kitties, warm and comfortable.....home) The house is a building requiring work and effort and burdens. Make the house free of burdens and bring back the home.....Do I make sense. Change the bad to good.

H WANTED to come over not to just shovel poop but to see you, the kitties and the home. H WANTS to come again. NEXT TIME you be what we have told you to be. I am telling you this because it works.....You have to be what he wants, you have to lose the Nell he can't handle and live with anymore. You have to understand that if you want him back this is all about him. Forget about your needs and opinions for now. Cater to him. He is needy and he needs compassion and care and gentle treatment. Look at him as lost and alone. He is like a little lost lamb, crying out. Treat him well. You will gain a reward.

Sweetie, bury that rage. I understand that you did not portray the imagine front and center. He knows you so well he could still see it. Bury it!!!! I mean it. You need to change absolutely and completely, for good!!!! Please do this!!!

As far as the OW goes....There are big problems there. He isn't infatuated with that at this time. This is huge. He is at a point where the shine is wearing off, that situation isn't looking so rosy and green. H is back in limbo mode and not feeling all that good about his departure or choice.

Don't be so reluctant to shut and lock the door on his life with the OW. If he wants to talk to you about her, let him. Engage him..... absolutely - YES!!! How do you think she was able to get him away from you. She listened with a sympathetic ear every chance she got and another thing she led him away from you with her words against you. She was there to listen and it worked and he turned to her because she was sympathetic and therefore was able to fill a void he thought was left open by you. If you ever have a talk about her....DO NOT talk bad about her....NEVER. It would be best for you to stay quiet and listen. Any negative comment about her will be a bad thing for you.....he will get angry, trust me!!!! He will realize you are mature and respectful being this way about her and it is a big gold star for you.

This is where you can gain some ground if you play this right. When I say that you have to practice a new behavior until you are the new behavior I mean it. This will be your only chance to turn this around.

This is where my H and I are....he turns to me to chat and converse in a meaningful way. It's great!!!!

If you think about most relationships they start by friendly yet meaningful conversing. Given nurturing they grow into something more.

My day was good, thanks for asking, I spent 6+ hours with H here at home. We had lunch and talked and talked. We got out an old truck and played with it a little, tinkering on the engine. It's all about H. I was going to paint the hall, when he rang it was worth skipping. The day ended good. Could it have been better? Sure. It was a good day. I am happy with that. It was full of surprise too, since I didn't expect to hear from him.

Nell, re-group your thoughts. Don't be pursueing. You called him and thanked him. Leave it alone for a few days. Let's see what H will do next.

I want you to say goodbye and be nice when he leaves. Letting him leave being cold and unkind is not good. That is a last memory he has as he drives away. You don't have to be "ga-ga" but be good to him, kindness goes a long way in someone's thoughts.

(((((Nell)))))

Chin-up, you can do this. Remember time and patience and maintain. DB your butt off. No expectations!!!! Recognize the good and nurture it. Bring the Nell back he fell in love with, you will be irresistable.

Sanderika


ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11
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Hello BIM and thanks for dropping in!

You are so right. I do try not to have the R talk with H but when something crops up and it seems like an ideal moment, it all comes pouring forth. It's rare that I spend time on a weekend with anyone at all and, during the week I am unable to discuss my sitch with anyone as the girls at work do not yet know about it.

Yesterday felt so warm and safe, H working here with me as we always did. H gave it everything in the garden, which told me more than anything so far - he also said "if I didn't care, I wouldn't be here, would I?" ..... that gave me hope, hope made me speak my mind and in doing that, I shot myself in the foot.

My H always encouraged me to talk openly and honestly about my feelings. I never did. I bottled things and would then explode. Now that I am revealing more about the way I feel, he just kicks in to runaway faster mode. It's so frustrating.

I don't know how people even look toward the future. I just know that I don't want a future without my H. I hope that it never becomes my reality. He says that he misses me less as time goes on ... I just don't know how to turn that around.


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,256
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Hi Nell,
I know what you mean about H being a good man and realizing that he must be hurting and lost to get to this place. That is what I have had to come to realize as well. Like you, H and I had lots of conversations in our 19 years of M about how much we abhorred A's and infidelity... about how we saw it destroy other families, etc. He had always been so reassuring that he knew he could never, ever do that... And here we are. I am still reeling. He swears it has only been an EA not PA, but I don't know what to believe anymore.
I agree with Sanderika... for whatever my opinion is worth... lol. I have noticed consistently that when I am able to take all the pressure off and emphasize the good of our home, our family, our life... we make progress. Any talk of OW or R sets us back big time.
Time and patience... so true.

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He doesn't miss you less, he is just getting used to being away from you. If you work really hard on yourself and be very smart in how you deal with it, it is possible to change that. Next time he comes home, give him something to miss. No R talk/ It would be okay to to talk about some history between the two of you probably, good memories I mean. Just try not to let it lead to an R talk. STAY AWAY from that for now as long as you can.

Chin up, you are doing great things for yourself. I don't talk about my M to my friends at work either. I would feel like I could never get away from it if they knew. I have selected only a chosen few friends to confide in, those who can be discreet and will have my back no matter what happens.

Take this time alone to make yourself the best you you can be, Nell!


BIM
M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11

my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127




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