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Originally Posted By: BillM
Karen - my W hired a lawyer that apparently doesn't mediate. This is the scumbag that filed all the court dates without W's instruction, and who reportedly works to increase fees with litigation.

I know that there are many D L's that like to file stuff and run up hours to increase their fees. But something's hinky to me: if the L filed all that stuff which W says was the opposite of what she asked him to do, why would she keep an L? When she was upset or acting upset about how if you hadn't told her she wouldn't have know the court date, I mean why would you keep an L if that was what occurred?

Maybe this is just me, but I actually don't think I trust your W. I think you prob. need an L way more than your W does. The way she is so accusing and mistrustful of you and your motives, makes me question hers. It's like cheaters that accuse you of cheating or something. I know I may be totally off-base with that, but it's what I'm thinking.


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Quote:
Maybe this is just me, but I actually don't think I trust your W.


It's not just you.


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Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Quote:
Maybe this is just me, but I actually don't think I trust your W.


It's not just you.


There's a hole in the soup.


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She was very pissed at the guy, and said similar things about she shouldn't have to pay, etc.

She signed the paperwork for him to sub out, effectively she's already fired him.

I think the thing is, now she's pissed at ME.

I told her the L I hired had a list of collaberative lawyers, we could get a list, and she seemed to listen to that.

I left a message for my L, briefly explained what my W had said, and asked if she could mail this list.

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Struggling this morning. Spent last night on the phone with different friends then went to bed. Think I got better sleep, took the ambien, woke up again before midnight and took a couple of xanex.

The kicker is that I know I'm waiting for her to come home today because I still miss her. I miss her a lot.

I need to figure out better ways to take care of myself.

Yeah GIMA - you said worry and self-pity - I am obsessing and making myself depressed.

I guess I need to start moving. Spend a few minutes jumping rope, take a shower, get the boys and I some breakfast. It's a nice day, maybe take the dog for a walk. Something other than sitting here with my eyes closed.

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Get busy. Anything. Exercise. Wash your car.


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Well, I kind of milled around, pulled some weeds, shot some baskets with my son, played a game of Jenga witht the boys, etc. I spent some time sitting quietly with my eyes closed too, kind of dozing, but I think I still have a lot of sleep to catch up on.

W came home, and wasn't sure what to do with myself. Eventually we did talk. She's trying to decide what to do about her lawyer now, sounds like she's siding on keeping him. My opening a checking account really scared her. Dammit. Anyway, she still wants to mediate... or I guess it would be collaberate... and says she doesn't want to be naive

Anyway, we did talk about what the assets and debts are, examples of how we would share custody, how we would split things. Sounds like we're both agreeable to her taking the house and me taking the retirement / investments, as a very rough start. With us both staying in the house until February.

I asked her why she wants to be around me. First, she said, for the kids, then she said, I like you, you're still my best friend. She also said that it's going to take her a long time to not think of me as her husband.

Then we took the kids out for pizza. (We're not going to the zoo tomorrow, btw).

At one point, I said I missed going to the Mexican place next door, she said me too, and I said, well we should do that. She actually agreed, paused for a second and said "we don't have to be conventional..."

So I guess I've got a date, or something like it. I feel like a crazy man, going down this path of D and still DBing. I know my family all thinks I'm a fool. Part of me wants to cut and run, thinking that getting a nice little townhouse would be good.

So, trying to figure out my next steps of DBing while all this is moving towards February.

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Originally Posted By: BillM
At one point, I said I missed going to the Mexican place next door, she said me too, and I said, well we should do that. She actually agreed, paused for a second and said "we don't have to be conventional..."

So I guess I've got a date, or something like it. I feel like a crazy man, going down this path of D and still DBing.


2x4s welcome BTW, as I try to figure this out.

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Bill,

I wonder if you aren't too available to her right now. It seems to me she has the best of all worlds. She gets to keep her "best friend" while D'ing that "best friend." I would pull back, not in a cold and callous manner. I would GAL my a$$ off right now. She needs to miss you, and she won't do that if you are always around as the safety net for a dinner out or whatever.

And you are still struggling with not pursuing. This,

Quote:
At one point, I said I missed going to the Mexican place next door, she said me too, and I said, well we should do that.


is pursuit.

In her eyes, nothing she cares about is going to change. She can D you and you will still be "great friends." When my W told me this, it pi$$ed me off. And, no, if we D, we will NOT be friends. Friends don't do that to one another.

It's time to stiffen your backbone man.


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Yeah, thank you - I was feeling something similar about it, but my thoughts aren't clear... still trying to get my head around - she wants that intimicay, said before all this that she wants my attention. This is the way it used to be she'd ask, do you want to go out, and I'd want to stay home. I guess what I'm saying is that if I'm too available to her now, is that a 180 to how I was before?

I know that this example was pursuit - but it was also a 180. Initiating a "date", vs. my W planning it, getting the sitter, etc. And she responded positively to the idea.

I was looking for a quote posted by JamesJohn back in the old days from '03, but couldn't find it. What he said though was that DBing isn't about not pursuing, it's about doing what works. The question in my head now is that, if W and I go out together, without the kids, does that accomplish anything? I'm not sure.

If I'm in another room reading a book while she's watching TV - that's more of the same. If I'm sitting there with her watching TV - that's too available. I'm just not always clear on what to do.

At some point, if I'm going to demonstrate more openness / intimacy, I need to figure out how that goes.

But I think the heart of the matter is, not focusing on her. I think you're right about GALing. I had a chance to go out with a buddy tonight, but was too tired. Still catching up on sleep. But, I think it would be a good idea to get up and go to church in the morning. Then maybe stay out for awhile. But you're right - she seeks me out when she feels that she misses me. And I like to be home - I'm always right here.

So, yeah, a good 180 from pre-bomb days is to go out by myself / with friends. Like she's been doing.

GIMA, thank you for the input. I'm still finding my way here.

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