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Hey BillM,

Hang in there...you're doing a great job. Take the next few days to pamper yourself. You deserve it.

Also, thanks for your advice regarding my situation.

-LFH


ME: 38
W: 35
D2.5 and S5
Married 12 years
Separated (same house, different rooms)
INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009
The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
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Bill: I've been lurking for some time here. I am married to your "twin". Except my husband and I are about 20 years older than you and your wife. I wish that I had divorced my husband when I was in my thirties, but I did not have the courage. I stayed because I felt it was best for our daughter and son. Maybe I did the right thing, but it doesn't feel that way now. Every morning when the alarm goes off, the first thought I have is "I hate my life." It is an empty and meaningless existence. Yes, I have friends and activities that are worthwhile, but they don't replace the gaping wound in my soul being married to a man with no passion for me, who is so self-absorbed or self-contained that we have not made love in over two years.

When your wife gets back, arrange for your boys to stay with friends or relatives, even for a few hours. Then, don't say anything -- but TAKE your wife. Ravish her. And FEEL it. That would be a real 180 in your situation. Let us know how that goes.

Natasha #1859046 10/20/09 06:17 PM
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Guys -

I've taken a little bit of a break from the board.
I think I've detached a little more, which is good. Weekend was OK with the boys.

I think I'm ready to do it. Show W the email that shows she's been meeting up with this guy. Tell her I know she's been lying to me.

It's showing all the cards. Telling her that, yeah, I've broken her trust by snooping, but she's broken my trust by lying, and even though she has filed for divorce, disrespecting our marriage. I can't take it anymore. I can't take being a doormat, listening to her tell he that she doesn't want to lose me, kissing me on the cheek, all that business.

She'll get mad, sure. But I'm going to tell her that she doesn't have to worry about losing me anymore, because it's done. It's time for her to move out.

I can't take it. I can't take the pain, I can't take the lying. I need to stand up for myself and feel right about being a human being that deserves to be treated better than this.

I don't know if this is DBing or not, but it gets to the heart of the matter. It'll completely freak her out. I don't know what she'll do, but I'm not trying to manipulate a response.

Talking to C today. Going to get her input.

Any feedback is welcome. Thanks guys.

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Welcome back. I was wondering were you went.

First question for you. What do you want to accomplish? Is it that you want to tell her you know so she will somehow see the light? Or is your goal to set the boundary that you will not share your W with another man.

Your upset. Its ok to be upset but don't act on emotion. That never works to your advantage. You need to approach this in a calm business like manner.

Don't make this about your state of mind. You will come off as weak and not worthy of her respect. Leave the I's out of the conversation. Share you pain with us and your C not your W. This is important.

Build your script. I'd say something like hey W I know what is going on so don't bother insulting me by trying to cover this up anymore. You have free will and I respect that however, I will not share you with another man. If you want to continue in the R with the OM thats your choice but you will do so at the expense of our M.

I don't think you need to show her proof. Any conversation about trust or privacy are just distractions at this point. Just set your boundary and be done. Next move is hers. You just have to be ready to follow through.

Good luck. Hope you get some additional insight.


_________________________
Me-41
W-39
M-15 yrs T-17 yrs
D-12
S-9
S-8
B 5/08
S 1/09
C-Bart #1859117 10/20/09 07:32 PM
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She's denied it when I've brought it up before. The proof is neccessary.

What do I want to accomplish? I want to be OK.

I honestly feel calmer now that I have been.

My script? I'm going to hand her the paper, I'm going to hand her my wedding ring, and I'm going to say, it's time for you to move out.

Don't worry about losing me anymore, you already have.

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Playing the role of your wife:

Wow what an A-Hole. Now I see why I had to turn to OM. So glad OM does not act this way. What kind of jerk invades my privacy then throws it in my face. Sure I'll miss him but he'll calm down and I'll be right back. He's trying to control me. He's crazy, He's angry now but..., He, etc. etc. etc.


Just my perspective.


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W-39
M-15 yrs T-17 yrs
D-12
S-9
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B 5/08
S 1/09
C-Bart #1859150 10/20/09 08:03 PM
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Yep. I know.

I'm tired of letting W's potential reactions control me.

I think this is what our W has been about to some degree. We're both so invested in making everything OK for each other - and I think the flip side of that is a little bit of keeping each other at arm's length. Compromising intimacy.

This move is not for DBing. This move is for me.

I think I'd rather have the M end than pretending this is nice and tidy anymore, that I'm OK just going with it. That's not respecting myself. And that she directly lies to me. That's not the woman I married.

I'm meeting with C in half an hour.

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Good luck bill. Let us know how it goes.


My sitch- http://tinyurl.com/nth74d
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I get that about your W's reaction controlling your behavior. It is dishonest to say the least. I'm in the same boat and trying to work my way out of that hole.

That being said I still don't think your approach will have any effect other than to escalate hostility. I could be wrong.


_________________________
Me-41
W-39
M-15 yrs T-17 yrs
D-12
S-9
S-8
B 5/08
S 1/09
C-Bart #1859188 10/20/09 09:32 PM
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This will be effective but again this is you that has to do this work, you have to be the courageous one and stand up for yourself and that's a scary thing to do when you haven't done it in a long time but it's something you need to do, I guarantee you.

Standing up for yourself for the very first time after living your life as the eternal door mat will make your stomach uncomfortable, you will be full of anxiety and nervous energy, you will be full of doubt, will this push her away forever, will I lose her forever, is this a mistake, maybe i should shut my mouth and continue to take it.

Do it.

No more excuses, just do it.

Grow a spine and start to stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself & draw self esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self esteem drops just a little bit.

If you don't show that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries with how people can treat you, how do you expect them to respect you. Setting boundaries doesn't push people away and alot of people believe that. Boundaries are a good thing, people know the limits of how far they can push you and on top of that, won't want to, setting boundaries will let people around you treat you properly, something you've been missing for a long time.

Love is a choice, attraction may not be and there are things to make your spouse attracted to you again and most of it doesn't have to do with physical appearance. Love is a choice and for this option to exist, respect must be there first.

Your wife doesn't love you because she can't respect you.

If you've been the wussy door mat husband, she knows she can walk all over you & treat you badly. Proof? She's cheating on you isn't she? That would be the ultimate disrespectful action she can do to you while stringing you along like a little puppy, giving you false hope every now & then and she enjoys it, when people have that kind of power, they abuse it, it's unfortunate but it's true.

So how do you turn this around.

Boxes.

Lots & lots of cardboard boxes, as many as you can find.

Start packing her things.

Not nicely, just remove them from the hangers and put them in the boxes, heck, throw the hangers in there too.

Do it when she's not at home.
Don't do all of them, just most of them.
Enough to get her out of the master bedroom if she isn't already sleeping in another room. If she is sleeping in another room, I would still put most of her stuff in boxes.

When she comes home & finds most of her stuff in boxes, she will come to you and confront you, in her mind, her little whipping boy stepped out of line and you will hear it from her. She will be angry and she expects you to crouch down into a fetal position and take her abuse but you aren't going to allow that anymore.

You will tell her.... "STOP! I'm not in love with you anymore and I don't love you anymore and I want you to leave now."

"You've been cheating on me and you've been disrespecting me for as long as I can remember and it stops NOW."

No crying, no yelling, no getting angry, you operate from a position of power now because you are making the decision, you are taking control of your life and you are choosing to let go of someone who doesn't love & respect you the way they promised the would.

You don't yell, you say it calmly, with strength and conviction, you stand up, feet square, and you look directly at her eyes and you cross your arms.

"You've wanted a divorce for so long, you can have it, I want one too"

"You've been having an affair, fine, time for me to find out what all the fuss is about and start finding some women to date and start a new relationship with - I've been dumb all this time thinking I can't live without you, I was wrong, I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU - I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!"

The sooner you leave, the sooner I will start enjoying my life.

I need my space and I need to enjoy my single life without you here and you will move out now because you are the one that has wanted this for so long. I'm not leaving, I'm going to stay in this home, sleep in MY BED and enjoy my life that I've been pissing away waiting for you to wake up & love me and if what you have for me is "love", I think I prefer a different kind of "love" from someone else.

GOOD BYE!

Turn your back and walk away, leave the room, if she pursues you, tell her that you're done talking to her, you've wasted your life during this process and you won't do that anymore.

Give her a week or two to find another place to stay, it will invariably take longer than that.

During the time that she is still living at home, you will start going out most evenings, you will dress up, get the hair done, put on the cologne, the whole bit and you will make it look like you're going out on dates. If you can go out on real dates, great even better - you need the boost to your confidence, but if you can't, just fake it and stay out late and when you come home if she is still up, you make sure you have a big smile on your face and you go to your room and close the door behind you, lock it if you can. You start texting someone, even yourself if you have to, start spending time on your computer, emailing someone, if you have to, setup a fake gmail account, setup a fake user profile on facebook and start a few messages back & forth, when setting up the fake user profile on fb or myspace, find a pic of girl that is just as attractive as your wife, go on a dating website, you'll find plenty of pics on there, just make sure it's someone your wife doesn't know, pick someone from out of state.

Getting a life, 180's, self-respect, standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, no more wussy doormat behaviors, you will now become the walk away spouse - you are no longer the left behind spouse - the dynamic will change, watch as the days & weeks go by - you have changed the direction of this relationship and even if nothing changes with your wife, you have now taken control of your life and can move on. I suggest dating for real regardless of the opinions against it.

Crisis is what changes people, it's what forces people to act, without that impetus, people usually don't change, they have no real reason to have to change without a crisis.

Do it.

No excuses and no explanations why you can't do this or that.

Just do it.

Excuses don't explain and explanations don't excuse.

You've taken back your life, enjoy it, feels pretty good to be your own boss again without worrying about what someone else might do or how they treat you.

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