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#1841063 - 09/20/09 10:58 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: BillM
I'm starting to wonder if moving out sooner rather than later would allow me to cope and detach more. I know, everyone says don't move out. I'm just thinking that (1) if I don't see her every day, it's going to be less painful, and (2) may let reality set in for her more.

I think there are a lot of good reasons for you staying in the house;but I've been through that and I know how tough it is to live with someone that's maybe already kind of checked out of the M. That's why I had told you before if you can make it to February (the date you were discussing) that would be plenty long enough!

What does your L say about how moving into an apt. will affect your custody/financials? I would probably try to follow her advice if possible. If she says it's not good for you if you wind up in D court, then I wouldn't do it. If she says it doesn't matter, you should probably take at least a few days to consider/think about it. I wouldn't go out and sign a lease unless you're certain.
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1841119 - 09/21/09 01:14 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Quote:
I'm starting to wonder if moving out sooner rather than later would allow me to cope and detach more. I know, everyone says don't move out. I'm just thinking that (1) if I don't see her every day, it's going to be less painful, and (2) may let reality set in for her more.


Bill, I would be very careful about this. I don't think moving out is something you should do unless you are done and don't want to be M'd anymore. I would not do it if the reason is you think it might bring her back.

My $0.02 worth.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1841120 - 09/21/09 01:16 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
I'm certainly not certain.

I don't feel right when she's not here, and I don't feel right when she is. I look forward to getting home and seeing her every day, which is then painful. The bottom line is that I still need to detach. No, I'm not going to make any spontanious decisions on this. Guess I just need to push on. Just frustrated with my own emotions.

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#1841123 - 09/21/09 01:22 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Originally Posted By: BillM
I'm certainly not certain.

I don't feel right when she's not here, and I don't feel right when she is. I look forward to getting home and seeing her every day, which is then painful. The bottom line is that I still need to detach. No, I'm not going to make any spontanious decisions on this. Guess I just need to push on. Just frustrated with my own emotions.



Or impatient. I know b/c I have been there, and still are.

If you aren't certain you are done, then stay put. PERIOD.

What you are feeling is totally normal. The negative feelings you have are due to her not meeting your needs. So, you have to do that right now. That's where GAL'ing comes in.

Keep working on detaching. It will come, but it doesn't happen overnight. When you get there, you'll know it.

You just have to be patient and keep working on you.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1841127 - 09/21/09 01:30 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Yep. Got it. I'm not done.

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#1841185 - 09/21/09 04:24 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Well, got W to sing with me tonight, then the boys came in and I played a few songs. One of them says, this is what weekends should be like, we just need popcorn!! Got them to bed, so I turned on Law & Order on TiVo and she sat and watched too.

She's touching me a lot lately, in sort of a "slap on the back" kind of way. As I mentioned, she rubbed my shoulders for a long time yesterday.

Said she was going to get her mom to watch the kids for Retrouvaille weekend, so that's good. She's particiating in getting this put together. Also asked if she could go visit her mom next weekend, which made me a little suspicious, but I'm almost certain is legit. From my pause, she asked me what was wrong, though, and I said it was fine.

I keep going back to that conversation we had about Retro, where she said that she likes the idea of spending an entire weekend with me, and said "there's a part of me that still loves you." Of course, she still seems resolved - seems concerned that I'm going to be disappointed.

I'll keep on pulling it together. Patience. Hope.

Oh hey, I've got appointment tomorrow with the new counciler. Will see how this goes...

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#1841456 - 09/21/09 05:07 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
LookingFrAnswers Offline
Member

Registered: 07/27/09
Posts: 342
Loc: OH
Bill,
You are doing great, & wishing you best of luck w Retro & the new counselor. Getting the right one makes an incredible difference. Your W sounds conflicted, lots of doubts - people on here have told me this is a good sign, anything that causes WAS to doubt their plans is good. Hang in there, remember to "believe nothing you hear & only 1/2 of what you see".

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#1841468 - 09/21/09 05:22 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: LookingFrAnswers]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Thanks LFA. I hope, I hope...

I blew it this morning, I grabbed her and hugged her. Every day, waking up without her just kills me. This was after I made breakfast for everyone, including her egg whites. And took them to her room. Stupid. I really need to detach.

She asked me in private if everything was OK, I said yeah, and she said, "I have moments too." She was bright about it, not disturbed or anything.

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#1841476 - 09/21/09 05:35 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
LookingFrAnswers Offline
Member

Registered: 07/27/09
Posts: 342
Loc: OH
I'm no expert but Bill don't be too hard on yourself. You are like me, a person who beats themself up alot. I will leave it to the experts to advise you here, but will offer my 2 cents. Often when we think we've screwed up it is really not a big deal. You may have thrown her a little - so what? I dont' see this as a big mistake. Maybe you needed to get that out of your system. Don't worry too much about it. Just continue detaching as you have been. You're only human & progress is not always in a straight line.

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#1841706 - 09/21/09 09:30 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: LookingFrAnswers]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Yeah I do tend to punish myself.

OOOOkay. Saw the C today. She said that sounds like saving the marriage is not impossible but improbable, that said, she would help me with this goal.

We also talked about all the other elements - need to invest in work or I'll regret it - need to get sleep - medications, symptoms of depression, all that stuff. I think she's going to be good.

So, she said, sounds like what I need to do for W is to begin to make her start feeling that intimacy again. Take her on a date, etc.

I asked, OK how do I do that without pursuing?

She said, well, there's a difference between doing this and chasing, applying pressure.

So guys, I'm going to seek out a difference balance with the pursuit thing. No pressure or chasing - but I'm going to change what I'm doing. Focus on filling W's "love bucket" from a position of confidence - not of expectation.

I'm going to try this anyway. I know the 2x4s are coming - but I think it's time to try something different.

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