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#1858359 - 10/19/09 02:13 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to deta [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Sanderika Offline
Member

Registered: 06/25/08
Posts: 761
OK Nell,

I mirror Cas' advice.

Send H a quick (very friendly) email: "Hi there H, I would love to have your help this weekend with the sheep sh*t, thank you so much, looking forward to it.....Nell" Any variance of this will work.

Do not pester him about the "what day and time". Be ready for either day and like Cas said don't be disappointed if this ends up a "NO GO". MLC men very often say things and do not carry through. Be happy that he had the thought to help and keep hope that he will re-surface again soon. No pursueing here...

This weekend make sure you are looking and smelling fine, fine, fine....Same goes for the house!!!

Do not have expectations that H will BBQ with you. I agree you have to have a few irresistable yum-yums and frosty chasers around to offer him. Do not over do it here....this can lead to huge disappointment. Been there and done that, you know.....

Now for behavior....remind yourself of the last visit and how well it went. You need to portray that same Nell to H. Make him feel welcome and invited and be warm and friendly, be thoughtful and concerning. Engage H in his favorite topics. Compliment him for something. Don't overdo anything, it will look poured on and phony. Keep calm, cool and collected every minute. Give H a little space while he's there. Don't overdo the attention. It's ok to leave him alone to handle part of this.....he's the man, he's done this before. When it's time for him to go make sure he feels appreciated and validate his assistance in a grateful manner.

Nell, this is all about H being witness to a new and improved Nell and home. This is one of your few opportunities to let H see for himself that things have changed and he is wanted. Wanted is different from Needed. Make H feel Wanted. He needs to be comfortable and unpressured when he visits. He needs to feel appreciated and desired in a way that will make his inner self feel really good.

We have a few days to go til your visit. Let's hear all the ideas....We will all help as best we know how....

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika



_________________________
ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11

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#1858700 - 10/20/09 01:48 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to deta [Re: Sanderika]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Hey Nell - just catching up -
Yeah, I agree, keep it simple. Just respond and say, yes, thank you, that would be great.

Don't make it about him when he visits -
This is the time to show him how great you're doing.
You might want to so some decorating - just to show, you're living fine with yourself, making yourself comfortable, investing in your life.

I also agree, it'll be more casual to "pop out for a bite" if the situation lends itself. No pressure, but seems natural once the chores are done.

Time for me to hit the hay, but will check in with you later!

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#1858757 - 10/20/09 08:25 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to deta [Re: NoLongerHere]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Thanks for all your advice, JCJ, Cas, Sanderika, Bill ... pardon my hurried response tonight but I'm just in from C and called in to get myself a pizza as a BIG treat, on the way home! First one that I've had since the bomb was dropped in May, due to a) not eating a whole lot b) couldn't afford it c) fearful of going out in the night on my own ..... but now, a) I'm eating a little more b) I can afford it since getting a job and c) OK, so it's dark - but there's no big bad wolf over at the shopping precinct where my car is parked right outside the door!!!!!

So, sorry to dash - I REALLY appreciate all the kind and sensible words of advice and will drop in on you all tomorrow!! (((hugs2all)))
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1859375 - 10/21/09 05:51 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to deta [Re: Eskimo Nell]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Hope the pizza was good, Nell!

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#1859391 - 10/21/09 07:07 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to deta [Re: dolphin_05]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Oh boy ... it was yummy. It was Cheapy Tuesday at our brand new Eagle Boys (which I didn't know about) so I ended up with two large veggie delights, garlic bread and a big bottle of coke for just $15.95 (£7 for you Poms and sorry American folk, haven't got a clue in US$)!! I've frozen mostly all the pizza, which is going to keep me going for weeks! Yummy .... anyone from Eagle Boys reading this? All royalties to me, please!!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1859394 - 10/21/09 07:27 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to deta [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Journaling:

So, today has been pretty good. Spent most of the day out of the office and being out and about with my sick, lame and lazy clients!! It was good to be in the sunshine at 29 degrees on this beautiful Spring day.

Was at an appointment near H's place and stopped for some lunch as I had time. Realising how close I was, I sent a text to H to ask if he wanted me to drop in a card of his that I am holding. Told him:

Me: I'm in the neighbourhood and haven't got much time but could drop your card in
H: No, all good, I'll pick it up at the weekend if that's OK - busy with clients right now anyhow
Me: Just a thought that was all - didn't mean to impose! (GREAT - confirmation that he's no longer thinking about coming down but actually IS coming)
H: Weekend is fine, thanks.
Me: OK - please let me know what day best suits.

...and then I don't know why but I added "I saw that horrid crash on the freeway last night - two men were killed". It was almost like I wanted to say "life's too short for all this" but knew that it wasn't the time or the place. It is, however, a big fear for me. What if .... I need not complete the sentence for all of those who fear, like me, that they may never have the chance to say "goodbye" at the appropriate time.

... On to less macabre things, I came home and set to play with God's little joke for the LBS ... WEEDS!!!!!!! I'm sure that they were sent to give us something meaningful to do with our time. Why am I always out there wrestling with the little blighters?!!

Anyhow, had mentioned to H on Monday that I would get them all out before he comes along at the weekend with the sheep sh*t and then the beds will be ready to receive said smelly stuff!! Garden all weeded as well as the beds ... looks good - H should be well impressed but overall, I got a sense of achievement and stood back when finished and said to the Universe - as it is my new bezzy friend - "this is for me. I am proud of my home and I am proud of my garden. I am suffering with an aching lower back now and in the morning I know that my fingers will ache too, but I have achieved and will continue to do so. I can put on a front that all is well in my life. No-one outside needs to see the pain inside - and that includes H. My store front is pristine and everything is neat and orderly. I am portraying confidence and that my life is in order. I am content .... but will be even more so at the weekend when I see my H"!!!!!!!

I'm such a sook but it's killed off another evening and I am happy-ish. And so to bed.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1859607 - 10/21/09 12:31 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to deta [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Sneaky Nell, nice txting friendly offering assistance but not pursuing! and of course good to know he's coming at the weekend!
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

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#1859686 - 10/21/09 02:34 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to deta [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Sanderika Offline
Member

Registered: 06/25/08
Posts: 761
Hi Nell,

Your Pizzas, Garlic Bread and Coke would run about $33.00 +/-(American) Ouch!!!!!! Funny, we are used to our prices and pay 'em happily especially for Pizzas, Garlic Bread and Coke....
Keep 'em coming please!!!!

Sounds to me like everything is getting in order for the weekend. Don't forget to get some time in to relax so you are'nt too tightly wound when he shows up. You want to keep your stress at bay. It has to be calm, cool and collected all they way.....

You're doing great......

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika
_________________________
ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11

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#1859713 - 10/21/09 03:08 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to deta [Re: Eskimo Nell]
JCJ Offline
Member

Registered: 05/27/08
Posts: 3316
Loc: London, UK
Nell,

If I can be honest I see this as pursuing.

Quote:
Me: I'm in the neighbourhood and haven't got much time but could drop your card in
H: No, all good, I'll pick it up at the weekend if that's OK - busy with clients right now anyhow
Me: Just a thought that was all - didn't mean to impose! (GREAT - confirmation that he's no longer thinking about coming down but actually IS coming)
H: Weekend is fine, thanks.
Me: OK - please let me know what day best suits.


If you had to text him you should have stopped after he said he was busy with clients but you carried on. 'Didn't mean to impose' is quite loaded also imo. Remember, just be cool. Not in the cold sense of the word smile
_________________________
M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
Now travelling the world

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#1859833 - 10/21/09 06:10 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to deta [Re: JCJ]
girlfromoz Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 885
Hi Nell

Sorry I haven't posted in a while but I have been lurking and reading and following along with how things are progressing.

I feel you have a better hold on your emotions now which is so important especially for when you see H on the weekend. Remember what H needs to see is the confident, fun gorgeous Nell that H first met, one who didn't pursue or get angry or anything like that.

Make everything as casual as possible when H arrives, it is hard I know but you need to come across as very relaxed not on edge or uptight. So I agree with what Sanderika said, make sure you take some time out before he arrives to ensure you are in a relaxed easy state of mind - this is very important especially if you feel your emotions might get the better of you.

You mentioned a bit earlier in one of your posts that your H responds better if he doesn't think you are "playing games", that is exactly what my H said to me when he was at his boiling point just before we had our big conversation. He did not like game playing and felt that that was what I was doing, you have to tread a bit more careful with the ones who think like that as I found out the hard way.

In any case Nell I think you are now doing so much better than you were a couple of weeks ago and that in itself will show to your H even if you don't think it will.

(((((((((Nell))))))))
_________________________

Trying to keep hope alive

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