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Great news about the job Nell! Wonderful!


M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
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Hi there Nell,

Just caught up on your sitch over the past two weeks.....

You did very well on Sunday with H, Kudos!!!!

I want to add that when my H left he was as depressed as I was. We had done it to each other. Our, then current, situation was depressing the he!! out of us both. I would not have called my H suicidal nor myself, but we were both so deep in the well we could not believe there would be daylight ever again.

My H told me he had to leave. I think he was afraid of the consequences if he had stayed. I do believe he left for another woman because he had a place to go. Men don't leave without a place to go. I think you have to realize the possibility that H left for OW. It is possible, even if you don't think so.

Your attention to H is very crucial right now. Use your knowing him as a tool. One way to create friendship is to engage him in his interests and work. I say it's ok to talk to him even if the convo is only about him. Keep it that way until you have re-gained his attention and his comfort level with you returns.

Eventually he will greet you and want to know how you have been getting along and how work is and how this and that is....it will take time and it will happen. You have to allow H the time to trust you again. Your encounters have to become simple and safe and genuine before he reaches to you.

Every new encounter with him will go well if you maintain that same behavior you had last Sunday. Keep analyzing that day, it's ok. Keep the positives front and center in your memory and at the next visit bring it all back. You made H comfortable, look how long he stayed. You also got him to talk. VERY GOOD!!!! I know it was not all positives. It certainly wasn't bad. All our H's have done the same. When they want to talk, you talk. Validate their feelings. Come across as warm, concerned, forgiving and understanding. This is what he needs right now. Good communication will be the key to any success you have with your H. I think you sending him the email to thank him was fine. You gave him a boost. You validated his behavior at the same time and trust me.....he is looking for positive validation for all his moves right now. I looked at as simple kindness for his presence and assistance. If you leave it as one email it is thanks any more will look like persueing.

Leave him to ponder the day (trust me he will and is). You have had a good week. This is baby steps. Have no expectations for more. It's when you least expect it H will come out of the woodwork and make contact.

Another bonus is H did not force the house valuation and have a gritty financial talk. I didn't hear you mention he took stuff with him either. All VERY GOOD!!!!!

Go back to NC and leave him be....

You are doing just fine. Keep in mind this sitch is young. I know the he!! you are in, boy do I. This is all stuff we have seen and lived and I expected the same in your sitch. You have to remember your goal is to bring him back to the marriage. With that in mind, behave in a manner with your every being that will bring that about. It's not an option. It's crucial to reconcile this marriage. You know what it feels like to have a good visit. Make them all good....the results will be surprising for both of you. I say this from experience.

Nell, I can't post much anymore. I will pop in from time to time and play catch up. My mind is busing in accepting "what is.....is". I am tired. I do not mean to back out on you. I don't feel good posting about me in the current state, I know you can understand. I do want to help you all and chime in when I can, so I will.

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika


ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11
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Thanks JCJ - I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the news will be final mid-November.

How are things your end?


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Sanderika,
It's great that you managed to pop back and I appreciate it so much - I do understand how tired you must be and how everyone's sitch takes a toll on the rest of us. You are so busy helping people here it's a wonder you have any time for yourself! Do take care (((Sanderika))).

I agree with all that you said about my sitch at this time. Unfortunately, H did take more furniture when he was here last weekend but he did say that I could get it back, in time. I told him that it now held too many bad memories and that I would not be able to accept his offer - unless he came with it (was under my breath)!!

I haven't heard from him so far this weekend (its now Sunday, almost lunch time) and so I don't know if he's home and tired or did go interstate after all.

I called him on leaving for an ow and he remains ADAMANT that he did not. He said that things may have been different if I had stayed and not 'ran away' to the UK. I don't think that they would have, however. He really does believe that he was done with our M before he agreed to meet ow (remember, this was an EA before he had ever met the tramp).

Still, I have been out there and doing stuff for myself this weekend. I have made some great efforts, which H noticed, in the garden and it has encouraged me to keep that going. I shopped yesterday, which was really good as to have some money for myself at long last was a bonus. I bought wine and beers, which I haven't treated myself to for a long time! I even went browsing to upgrade my GPS, thinking that I may give my old one to H if I do get it. Part of me thinks that would be a nice thing to do whilst another part of me says that he doesn't deserve it when he's arguing with me over $2.50!!

Feeling a bit lonely again today - strange as I haven't really felt it in two weeks. Guess that, subconciously, I was waiting on H to contact me and now that he has not, I am pining. I must fill the rest of my day.

The weather is breaking here and it's been really hot. It's good to see people out and about but it does hammer it home all the more that I am on my own ... no GAL friends, no family.

When I am wandering sometimes, I find myself voicing to the Universe "Is this is? Is this all that's left for me for the rest of my days"? I make a cup of tea and then wonder what the next dirty trick H has up his sleeve to confront me with. I'm not over thinking that he will be here some time this week with the valuers but that hurts me less now ... I can manage that one quite well, knowing that he can do nothing about marketing the house until I am in agreement.

After a good last meeting, the see-saw continues to confuse me - nasty, nice; nasty, nice .... I just don't know how to respond any more and so just try to keep my wits about me and honor the positives. What else can I do??


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
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Journaling - or venting?!

My sister phone me late this afternoon from the UK. Says that she thinks its about time I gave in and got some medication to give me the chemical lift that I so evidently need! Thanks Sis - I was doing OK up until that point. Her voice was patient and her words were so evidently carefully chosen - I could hear the deliberation over every word before she spoke it. Bottom line was her message "get over him, look after yourself, move on, stop pining .... " Oh, why is it that even your loved ones can't understand?

I'm so desperate to contact H today. I just want to scream at him "I MISS YOU - COME HOME - I LOVE YOU - WE CAN WORK THIS OUT" but I know that I have to hang on in there and wait this out .... and wait ... and wait ... and wait.


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Your sister has no idea Nell! Nobody knows this journey except those of us who are living it. Only you know when it's time to pull the pin. I know I probably would have been your sister, expressing those thoughts only a few years ago.

Glad you vented here instead of contacting H!

Enjoy the working week

Cas

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Nell,

Take comfort here....

We all have family who says the same. I do and have ostracized myself from the whole lot of them because of it. I am more at peace without their .02 cents. They probably meant well, but they were hurtful. I have had no real contact with them for almost 2 years. IMO they do not understand and cannot because they have never been in my shoes.

I am sorry I didn't realize H had taken some furnishings. Very interested he said you could get it back in time, hmmmmmm.....

I see what you say about the OW. To me EA or PA is still leaving for OW. They all start out as EA. That's what happened here. He became infatuated with OW and with time grew big enough ba!!s to tell me we were through after 26 years together. The PA part came within 6 months of him leaving me, it was still the same OW he left me for only their relationship grew and ours deteriorated rapidly. It's a very hard pill to swallow, in time I have learned to accept he is with someone else and this is not going to change any time soon.

When I tell people it is easier to DB when they are still home, I mean it. I wish Michelle would write a book just for those of us who have had spouses leave and teach us how to stand and cope with all the BS being dished out. Especially for those of us with a long duration of standing and the wishy-washy spouse who consistantly remains stuck on the highest post on the fence. For a select group, and you are in it along with me and several others, standing doesn't seem to be an option. It is who we are and we cannot change it. I personally see myself as a lifelong stander. I only want to end my marriage because of the pain. I do not want another relationship. For me it will not be possible.
I will love my H for the rest of my days and because of it do not believe I could fully give to another and that would not be fair. I believe the marriage can end and standing can continue. It is a personal choice.

Nell, keep the positives front and center in your mind. Work on those. When you think of trickery on his part and dwell on the bad he has done and hurt he has caused you lose sight of the goal you want. Practice positive behaviors until you cannot be any other way, that is when he will change. It takes time. You have time on your side.

Don't push for a valuation, leave the work to him. If he is not pushing it is a good thing. If he's with you and it is easy and a bit fun and comfortable even, he will have good thoughts. It is possible that he is not sure of his choice. Until that time when he is, DB like no tomorrow. You have nothing to lose. Don't lose sight of your wants and goals......Focus...Focus...Focus...Focus....

For me, I am grateful for the turning from hate to friends. In my sitch that means a mountain moved. It takes time, patience and consistency for a mountain to move.

Concentrate on what worked. Create a new relationship with H on the positives that worked. H is more vulnerable than he wants you to believe. Anything is possible here......promote good thinking and feelings in H. It's all you can do.

I wish I could be a success story for you. It is so hard. I still think the jury is out on my ending.....

I won't stay on top of my current successes if I backslide. I have to maintain at all cost.

The last thing you want thrown in your face is....."I knew it, you haven't changed and you never will. Nothing here is different." This is exactly what you get (even if he doesn't verbalize it) everytime you show him the angry...lashing out...pursueing...Nell.

I hope your weekend ended well. Have a good week. Make it a good week. (((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika


ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11
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(((Nell)))

I know what you mean by family - unforunately, I've stopped talking to much of mind - they're so angry at my W, it's difficult to take. I know they mean well, they're hurt by this too. I think they're mad at me too, for not handling in the same way they would.

It gets lonely.

I know too, about that feeling - I just want to say to W, can this be over now? Please, let's decide together to work on it. The wife I knew would have done anything. It's funny, she says that she worked on it for so long, but I didn't realize what was in her head. But yeah I know that feeling - so used to being a partner, and now don't know what to say or do. Except be patient.

Keep posting, I hope you have a good day Nell -

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I think that you are so right Cas - and I ain't ready to pull the pin yet. I think that my sister worries for me, knowing that I am here alone but she also knows that I am not ready to go home, either. I just wonder what I would say to her if the tables were turned.

Thanks for your support ... and keep reading for my next installment, after I have answered the other wonderful posters!


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
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Sanderika,
That's a surprise visit! Didn't think that you would be back so soon - you are looking after yourself, right?

I ostracized myself from the majority of my family many years ago - all excepting my sister. You are right - being at peace with yourself and what you do is more important than anyone else's 2 cents worth, especially when they often have their own agenda.

Yes, I was interested in H's comment about the furniture (no need for an apology btw - our postings are so long and complex sometimes, no wonder people miss things or get confused)!!

I hear you on H leaving. He's so adamant that this was not about ow but I think that is just him trying to cover his guilt, protect the tramp and hammer it home to me that he is done and it's about nothing else - therefore, leaving the door firmly closed and no reason to negotiate forward from. I envy you being able to accept what your H did - I know that if I live to be 350 years old, I will never accept this - I may forgive him but I will never accept it ... if that makes sense. I will always have that scar, however deep I manage to bury it.

I too wish that Michele would write a book just for LBSs - perhaps we should put that to her - it's not like she would be lost for material or case studies, is it?!!

I'm certainly not pushing the valuation - that was him the week before last but I've heard nothing more. I am praying that was yet another bluff but I am ready for him, if not. That doesn't do very much to get my engine revving now as I have worked out the solution to that scenario. I will be cross if he does go through with it but I shan't react, at all. No point when I can totally 'check mate' him! Ah, working again gives me some power back at my finger tips!!

I am certainly keeping the positives front and centre - I have good news to report today ... keep reading but I must first answer Bill's post!!

Take care Sanderika (((hugs))).


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
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