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#1857642 - 10/17/09 07:29 PM Re: On being the best O'Dog I can be #2 [Re: Dia]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Originally Posted By: Dia
Getting it *is* a little difficult, and I've been in the LBS position.

1) Disconnect yourself from your W's alleged evaluation of you. You feel rejected because SHE rejected you. You feel discarded because you think SHE discarded you. Stop that!

2) If you have C, ask your C very directly to help you with this. I spent a year and a half in weekly therapy. Do the work.

3) Mind your health and appearance, and GAL. These things really help.

4) Seek out the good in yourself and revel in it. Examine it. Appreciate it. Claim it and own it.


1) Well, she 'did' reject me and she 'did' discard me! I'm trying to get my head around what you're saying here...but she 'did', in fact, reject and discard me. How do I disconnect myself from that?

2) I have gone to counseling and started after she made the decision to leave. It helped me in many ways. And I've done good for months by getting stronger mentally and physically, and learning to think about things differently...but her decision to divorce me pummeled me, and the finality of this situation is really hitting me hard.

3) I do. I'm in nearly the best shape of my life because of the things I've done since she left. I've become an endurance cyclist...lots of miles! I've lost a bunch of weight. I wear nicer clothes and always look more presentable nowadays. I spend more time with friends, and have met many people through cycling too. I always have the kids on my days off though.

4) I believe I have a lot of good in me. And I believe that I'm worthy of value, love, and respect. I just wanted it to continue to be from her...she was a support system that I came to believe in...in a good way. And I miss it. And I'm sad that it's gone.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#1857647 - 10/17/09 07:42 PM Re: On being the best O'Dog I can be #2 [Re: antlers]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
1) So? What if it wasn't about you? What if it was about *her*? What I mean by this one is that you're allowing HER valuation of you to be the yardstick for YOUR evaluation of you. F that! Your self worth is completely independent and unrelated to her or what she thinks!

2) I hear in this that you're ot going now. Is that correct?

3) GOOD!

4) Missing it and being sad are fine. Very understandable. Look at these two statements:

a) I believe I have a lot of good in me.

b) I am a good person.

Which one is stronger?

Here are some statements about myself.

I'm a great cook.

I'm awesome in bed.

I'm kind, compassionate and caring.

I'm smart.

I'm a good mother.

I have pretty eyes, nice lips and what you fellas refer to as 'a nice rack.'

Knowing those things and being able to state them firmly isn't pride or arrogance; it's self esteem. So many times we belittle our own accomplishments. We pass off a great job we did as "Oh, I had help. It wasn't that that great. I just did what I had to." and so on.

One of the things my C did was to slow me down and pretty much *make* me examine my own strengths and accomplishments. Then we looked at FOO and childhood stuff. For instance, in elementary school, I quickly learned to turn my papers face down on my desk to hide my near-perfect grades so as to avoid torment at the hands of my peers. Teachers even encouraged me to do it 'so other people wouldn't feel bad.' Sounds reasonable, right?

My C: So you learned to be ashamed of your own success, and to suborn your own needs for the weaknesses of others?

Crap! She's right! When I'm successful, I do (used to) feel embarrassed, like hiding or deflecting attention. And yeah, it's not my fault if other people feel bad, and it's not my job to make them feel better. It's not like I was waving the paper around and bragging.

<shrug>

It's what worked for me. I resisted at first but wow, it felt so much BETTER to follow her advice. And hate to say it, but look at me now. People tell me all the time that I sound strong and confident. Good! Good for me. I earned it. And there's a success I'm not ashamed of.


Edited by Dia (10/17/09 07:45 PM)
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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#1857673 - 10/17/09 08:43 PM Re: On being the best O'Dog I can be #2 [Re: Dia]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
1) I definately am allowing 'her' valuation of me to be the yardstick for 'my' valuation of myself. It is F'd up! My self-worth should be completely unrelated to her in any way whatsoever. Isn't self-worth what one is 'worth' to oneSELF?

2) I'm not going anymore. I got so strong, mentally and physically, over the months, that I felt OK about not going anymore. And I continued to do very good in the months since then...then, she told me on Oct. 1 that she was divorcing me.

3) Agreed...good!

4) 'I am a good person' is a stronger statement.

Incidentally, I'm a good cook too; I'm good in bed too; now, after doing 'the work' I'm also kind, compassionate, and caring; I'm smart; and I'm a good father; I have pretty eyes too, and nice teeth, and now I have a good build.

We do sometimes tend to focus more on our weaknesses/negative things about us than we do on our strengths/positive things about us.

Seems like the main thing I need to work on right now is not allowing HER valuation of me to be the yardstick for MY valuation of myself. How I feel about myself should be completely unrelated to her in any way whatsoever. I gotta get the right mindset. I want to be so detatched!
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#1857891 - 10/18/09 04:52 PM Re: On being the best O'Dog I can be #2 [Re: antlers]
Gardener Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/09
Posts: 3831
Loc: Connecticut
Dia & Antlers, I benefited greatly from following along on this recent back & forth of yours.Thanks.
_________________________
Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac



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#1857897 - 10/18/09 04:59 PM Re: On being the best O'Dog I can be #2 [Re: Gardener]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Dia & Antlers, I benefited greatly from following along on this recent back & forth of yours.Thanks.


I'm glad...it helped me too.

We need to thank O'dog for letting us use his thread some, and also apologize to him for some hijacking. Sorry O'dog.

How are you O'dog?
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#1857919 - 10/18/09 06:17 PM Re: On being the best O'Dog I can be #2 [Re: antlers]
orangedog Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/09
Posts: 1181
Doing OK. Kinda tired.

I had a busy day yesterday with work and kids so I didn't have much chance to read or answer anything.

I propose taking the analogy one step further and not allowing anyone, not just the She, to be your yardstick. You alone decide what you're worth.

---

No prob with the thread. Stay as long as you want. There's stuff to eat in the fridge.
_________________________
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh

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#1857930 - 10/18/09 06:52 PM Re: On being the best O'Dog I can be #2 [Re: orangedog]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
How's the running and training going? Are you getting any miles in?

My kiddos are coming back over tomorrow afternoon after school.

I believe what you say about self-worth, but you know how the self-talk sometimes goes.

---

Thanks.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#1857937 - 10/18/09 07:14 PM Re: On being the best O'Dog I can be #2 [Re: antlers]
orangedog Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/09
Posts: 1181
I'm getting in a modest amount of running and cycling. There's not a lot to train for right now until the tri vacation in March (big question mark here). Our tri club participates in a mileage competition in dec, jan, feb so that's good for some daily stuff.

I can still run and ride on my foot but it pinches during exercise and feels sore afterward. Surgery scheduled on the 29th to fix it will knock me out for a while but I should be able to start doing small things in mid-late dec. and mostly recovered by end of Jan.

It might be a good chance to work on stretching and core strength. Maybe I'll start waking OK instead of feeling like I got run over by a truck (even after rest days!).

---

Oh yes. The self-talk. I've got a long way to go on the self-valuation.
_________________________
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh

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#1857941 - 10/18/09 07:41 PM Re: On being the best O'Dog I can be #2 [Re: orangedog]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
BTW - YES YES YES. YOU decide your self worth, and only you. That's precisely what I mean by an *interior* belief in your own self worth.
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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#1857952 - 10/18/09 08:35 PM Re: On being the best O'Dog I can be #2 [Re: Dia]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
I've been using the following...

"I am worthy of value, respect, and compassion, whether or not I get them from others. If I don't get them from others, it is necessary to feel MORE worthy, not less. It is necessary to affirm my own deep value as a unique person (a child of God). I respect and value myself. I have compassion for my hurt. I have compassion for the hurt of loved ones. I trust myself to act in my best interests and in the best interests of my children."

I say it out loud with all the conviction that I can muster. I think it's good to do this daily.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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