K4D Rising #4

[C-Bart]

Kevin,
You want the old relationship to be die. Move towards something new but, do that after you have your ducks in a row.

[CityGirl]

Stop focusing on the progress you think you see w/your W. There is none. You need to wipe her out as much as possible and put the focus 110% on you. It still seems to me that you seek out any crumb and hang on to it for dear life and view that as progress.

You do realize when you bring up OM all you do is push her right in his arms? Right now she does not view you as married and the more you push the idea on her that she is betraying the marriage the faster she will run away.

The reasons tensions rise when you know you will see her is because you know you cant hold back and she knows that as well. No matter what the situation you seem to either preach, scold or bring up some sort of R talk.

At this point you need to work on you (not news) and I dont see a reason in the world that you dont consider filing for a D on your own. If she wants the single life then let her have it. Right now she has you on a short string and she knows it. Remember, the person who cares least about the R controls it. And right now she controls you, your emotions control you and the ONLY thing that should be controlling you is YOU.

Honestly (and yes, this is speculation on my part to a degree) if you really wanted to honor your daughter on her big night you would have scheduled a dinner during one of your nights w/the kids and then it *really* would have been all about your daughter. There was no reason it had to be on the same night and there was no good reason for you to include your W other than you wanted to play "happy family" for a few hours.

The mere fact that your W's first question was "who is paying" should have sort of been a red flag that her intent was not to honor your daughter but to establish boundaries right off the bat.

You read my latest update - since our court hearing my H couldnt contact me enough. Now I have not heard from him for 2 days so my guess is things evened out with his GF and their rocky patch is over. That is EXACTLY why I remained polite but distant with him.

You (and many here) seem to have this dream that this is all about a fog and one day it will lift. Maybe it will, maybe it wont. As long as there is an OM/OW in the picture NOTHING will happen and you will be looked at as a HUGE obstacle to the WAS happiness. Plain and simple. So bringing up the OM to your W only made her look at you (again) as the obstacle to her happiness.

[JTJ]

Great points!

JJ: "Man who wants to be alone does not Validate the opposite sex."

[JTJ]

Kevin meditate on this it has helped me alot:

Once upon a time there was a peas­ant woman and a very wicked woman she was. And she died and did not leave a sin­gle good deed behind. The dev­ils caught her and plunged her into the lake of fire. So her guardian angel stood and won­dered what good deed of hers he could remem­ber to tell to God; ‘she once pulled up an onion in her gar­den,’ said he, ‘and gave it to a beg­gar woman.’ And God answered: ‘You take that onion then, hold it to her in the lake, and let her take hold and be pulled out. And if you can pull her out of the lake, let her come to Par­adise, but if the onion breaks, then the woman must stay where she is.’ The angel ran to the woman and held out the onion to her; ‘Come,’ said he, ‘catch hold and I’ll pull you out.’ And he began cau­tiously pulling her out. He had just pulled her right out, when the other sin­ners in the lake, see­ing how she was being drawn out, began catch­ing hold of her so as to be pulled out with her. But she was a very wicked woman and she began kick­ing them. ‘I’m to be pulled out, not you. It’s my onion, not yours.’ As soon as she said that, the onion broke. And the woman fell into the lake and she is burn­ing there to this day. So the angel wept and went away.

JJ

[K4D]

You do realize when you bring up OM all you do is push her right in his arms? Right now she does not view you as married and the more you push the idea on her that she is betraying the marriage the faster she will run away.

Yes.

The reasons tensions rise when you know you will see her is because you know you cant hold back and she knows that as well. No matter what the situation you seem to either preach, scold or bring up some sort of R talk.

I didn't preach or scold or bring up R talk until I got tired of her attacking me.

The mere fact that your W's first question was "who is paying" should have sort of been a red flag that her intent was not to honor your daughter but to establish boundaries right off the bat.

That is a good point.

As long as there is an OM/OW in the picture NOTHING will happen and you will be looked at as a HUGE obstacle to the WAS happiness. Plain and simple. So bringing up the OM to your W only made her look at you (again) as the obstacle to her happiness.

I know it.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

Dont you see though that you are STILL playing tit for tat?

You didnt scold or preach until you reached your boiling point of being attacked. That is not the way to respond. It pours massive amounts of gas on a fire that is already burning out of control.

If you are tired of being verbally attacked by your W tell her in a polite and firm fashion: "W, I feel this conversation is not productive and we have veered way off the topic at hand. Do avoid further conflict and the exchange of words that are disrespectul and damaging as co-parents I need to end this call. Goodnight".

Your patterns are very predictable. She attacks and you attack back. You can walk away right or happy? Which is better? In the scenario you described walking away HAPPY with YOURSELF for not indulging her w/the reaction she expected would have been the best thing to do.

You are addicted to the drama it seems. As long as their is drama you get to have exchanges with your W. Its a sh*tty way to live and function. Eventually you will tire of it and realize no contact other than the kids is better than drama and nonesense.

You cant control what she says but you CAN control how you react to it.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I didn't preach or scold or bring up R talk until I got tired of her attacking me.

I guess it's ok then....

How about, "I'm sorry, I have to go. Talk to you later."?

Might be better than, "Shut up, you bed hopping whore!"

You could even try, "I understand that you are upset, could we talk about this some other time?"

Escalating makes you sound like a four year old.

[K4D]

You cant control what she says but you CAN control how you react to it.

I know. Believe me. I am so tired of putting myself in this position.

Kevin

[Virtually_Handsome]

You cant control what she says but you CAN control how you react to it.

I know. Believe me. I am so tired of putting myself in this position.

Kevin

Then don't put yourself in that position! Don't talk to her. Detach!

You can take control of your situation, but you won't do it. You can't blame her for that.

[K4D]

I guess it's ok then....

No. It wasn't ok. I should have used restraint and just got off the phone and let it drop.

Kevin