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Here's my story from the Newcomers forum.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1846787#Post1846787

To sum up, bomb was dropped on me Labor Day weekend. 2 weeks later I discovered emails that point to an EA (at least). W denied, denied, denied. During our 1st MC session 2 weeks ago, W denied again & claimed to have sent a "no contact" email to OM so we can work on our M.
W giving no effort in MC & during our 3rd MC session yesterday, said she wants to move out. This morning, I find out W never stopped contacting OM...sent him at least 3 emails this past Monday.

My question is...based on your experiences, what are the pros/cons of contacting OM's W?

Last edited by etrain; 10/07/09 05:12 PM.

Me-39
W-31
S-4
Bomb- 9/5/09
Discovered EA- 9/15/09
Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09
W moved out 10/31/09
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The con's are:

1. Your wife will be FURIOUS, and will spew all kinds of things at you like "Now you've just blown ANY chance of working this out with us!" This is typical script; they all say it. It soon blows over, but there WILL be blowback.

2. I can't think of any more "con's."

Pro's:

1. It will hasten the demise of the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and in the romantic, taboo "mystique" of it all. Shining the light of day on them shows their warts more quickly, and usually (not always) kills them much quicker.

2. It shows your wife you're willing to fight for her. Women tie their feelings of "respect" very closely to their feelings of "love," and when a man sits by passively and doesn't fight for them, they often lose respect for them and -- therefore -- love starts to slip as well.

3. The OM's wife has a right to know, and to make her own family decisions accordingly. How fair is it that she be the ONLY one of the four affected -- seriously, life-alteringly affected -- that DOESN'T know the truth?

There are other valid pro's and con's, but I think those are the most important ones. There are those who will say "it will only drive them together," but I think that's a bunch of hooey, since -- guess what?? -- they're ALREADY together, and cheating on their spouses!

One important cautionary note, however: you should ONLY use exposure as a tactic, and part of an overall strategy to SAVE your marriage. If you're "done", and only doing it out of SPITE, then you shouldn't do it.

Puppy

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I say expose to the OM's wife.

Absolutely.

I confronted the OM during my W's affair on two occasions. When he dumped my W, changed all of his numbers and got a new GF, my W flew to see him. I rang OM's GF to warn her and OM himself.

No regrets. My W was furious but then, if she were proud of what she did she would have shouted it from the rooftops.

Expose.

You will not make the situation any worse by doing this.

Do not fear your wife's anger!


Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
DS12
DD11
DS5

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
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I too think it is the fair thing to do for the other betrayed spouse.

I remember a female friend who notified the H of the OW her H was having a PA with. He refused to believe her so she took him for a ride to follow the 2 cheaters during lunch. The poor guy broke down in tears when he saw the truth.

Telling the OM's W will be extremely difficult for you. Be prepared for various reactions from her and approach it with compassion. Tell her your reasoning for getting the A out in the open is to help with its demise.

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After finding condoms in my W's glove compartment this morning, I'm really considering contacting OM and OM's W.


Me-39
W-31
S-4
Bomb- 9/5/09
Discovered EA- 9/15/09
Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09
W moved out 10/31/09
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,628
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I agree completely with exposing to OMW. But I wouldn't contact OM. First, he's scr*wing your wife, do you think he's going to care what you say to him? Second, if he gets word of your plan to contact his W, he's going spin some b.s. story to her before you do and then you've lost that ally.

And if you're going to expose to OMW, do not, DO NOT, tell your W you're going to do it ahead of time.

And like Puppy said, SHE WILL BE LIVID. You need to remain calm. Just remember this line as she spews things like you'd never believe at you....."She deserved to know what was going on in her life". And when she bit*hes some more, say "She deserved to know what was going on in her life". And then walk away.

It's one of the hardest things I ever did, but it was the beginning of the end of the A. I had to finally expose to my grown children which was the final nail in the A coffin. And yes, it took her a long time to get over what she considered my betrayal of her by telling OMW and the kids, but oh well, we're recovering nicely now and our marriage never would have made it without exposing, IMHO.

Good luck.


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
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E,

"Ditto" what H4U said about NOT forewarning, and NOT talking directly to OM!

YES -- expose to his wife; she deserves to know. But if you talk directly to him, it:

- will elevate his status. Think "the President of the US negotiating directly with some rag-tag terrorist." He's not worth it.

- will make you look WEAK in your wife's and OM's eyes, believe it or not. In fact, they will probably have a good LAUGH at your conversation with him, as he'll try to puff himself up to your wife;

- will yield NO useful information.

On that last point, think of it this way: this man, by definition, is a PREDATOR. And ALL CHEATERS LIE -- period. So what information could he possibly give you that would be useful? At best, he's going to lie to you, and at worst, he's going to tell you something that you're going to TRY to believe, and it will be nothing but smoke and obfuscation.

And I haven't even touched upon the whole subject of "do you think you could remain calm and control yourself in such a confrontation?" Even if you DO, I have heard of OM/OW calling the police and trying to make it look like you're harrassing them, and turning everything against YOU.

Nope -- nothing good from contacting OM. If you want to confront someone, confront your WIFE, and expose to the other man's wife.

Puppy

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etrain. were there condoms missing? like, they usually come in a 3 pack or a dozen. was it an incorrect number that you found?

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Found 3 loose condoms hidden away in the difribillator kit in her glove compartment. No box or anything.


Me-39
W-31
S-4
Bomb- 9/5/09
Discovered EA- 9/15/09
Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09
W moved out 10/31/09
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 686
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Quote:
After finding condoms in my W's glove compartment this morning, I'm really considering contacting OM and OM's W.


Etrain, my heart goes out to you. It really does - so sorry that you have to be here but you're in the right place.

Expose.

Tell OMW what you found. Do so calmly, factually and without expressing too much emotion.

She will be in a state of numb shock and disbelief. You need to do it. If I were you I would email or mail any correspondence between your W and OM to her so that she is left in no doubt.

Remember Rule #1 - ALL CHEATERS LIE and it comes as natural to them as breathing an going to the toilet. You will harldy ever get them to admit an affair unless they're confronted with incontrovertible evidence that it's ongoing. Condoms in a glove compartment would not qualify. Intercepting correspondence referring to sexual acts is. This is what you ideally need to send to OMW if at all possible.

Don't warn your W or OM about it.

Just do it. The affair will begin a natural demise from when you expose and OMW has the right to know the truth, even if, and especially if it's an unpleasant truth.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.

Last edited by GH31; 10/08/09 11:26 PM. Reason: grammar

Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
DS12
DD11
DS5

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
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