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right
sounds like it
whats your next move for H?

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we are done. im devastated but truthfully, he is disgusting.

he called here before, i wasnt home.

he called again, i answered, didnt say anything to him, just put my son on the phone. when my son handed it back to me, i heard my h talking to the ow. i cursed him and hung up.

he called back. i said, do not do this to us now. have some respect, do not call us with her in the background, not now, not so soon after what u have done.

he says, its not her. i was like, stop lying, i hear her talking in her language (she is foreign, not a citizen here).

all she wants is her citizenship, good luck to her, we wont be divorced for a very long time.

as soon as i was doing alittle better, i get hit again.

i had met a friend with the kids at mcdonalds this afternoon so they could play and have a happy meal.

and i come home to this phone call?

i hope he feels the pain one day of what he has done.

he should still be at our store, instead he closed it early and was already with her.

im nauseous. the enormity of what he has done is just too much.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,501
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Ugh. Disgusting. I hate the lying. Im glad that you called him on it. Can you run the store yourself? I dont mean indefinately, but on days when he leaves early can you close it? I think that one of the things that annoys me the most is a store that you cant count on to be open during posted business hours.

Once the house/business sells, whats your plan? Do you have a career to fall back on? I totally know the terrible feeling of not knowing whats going to happen next month as far as paying bills goes.

You should figure out a day when you wont have to talk to him/see him and set it aside to have a H free day. figure out a day when you wont need to discuss the business or your son and really spend it focusing on you. I found that I would be able to feel good until I saw or thought of H. If you start to wonder what hes doing, just acknowledge that thats not what you are supposed to be thinking about and move on. Do something that you love, whether its hiking, gardening, sewing, hanging out with girlfriends, whatever. Just make sure that you minimize his presence in your day... he sucks right now, he doesnt deserve your time of day!


I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
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thank you. whats my plan?

well, my plan is to move from my big beautiful house to an apartment, i am going to choose between 2 locations, both are nice and in great school districts.

career? not so sure. i have a degree in marketing but i dont really want to go back to working 9 to 5 at some office job. i will figure it out. its hard when u have been a stay at home mom for almost 6 years and money was never an issue.

its so hard. but its ok. because if i can do something i like, that fits into school hours, it wont feel much like work.

this pain is so unreal, so deep, even though really i have been at this for almost 3 years.

i am truly grieving for what i once had, this just has to be it.

i cannot ever allow him to torture me like this again.

because torture is truly what this was. some form of mental emotional abuse.

i told him not to come home unless he was truly committed to working on us and being a family, not to come home and open a business unless he felt he could really work this out.

and this is what he does? not even 2 months later? uhhh.

and knowing us, time will pass and he will linger around me, i swear i hope im strong enough to turn him away.

part of him wants him now, so badly, and i think its just to make the pain go away, to be able to say ha, i have him, not you.

my therapist said sometimes the wife just wants to win. maybe that is what this has been to me.

i dont know.

i will miss our sex life very much, i cannot fathom not being with him ever again. i guess is shouldnt think about it.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
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mdoodles I can TOTALLY relate to the "sometimes the wife just wants to win" thing... WOW thats so SPOT ON for me... in my sitch i just loathe and detest his entire family so much and the OW so much I think, "wow would I ever love him to come back just to sitck it to THEM" and then I catch myself and think "omg what a rotten reason to get back with someone like HIM. They might be p'd off but they'd get over it, id be STUCK with him!"

i think thats something im struggling with a lot right now, in my mind, thinkin ok if he came back, would I be happy for ME or just happy i WON, and its an ugly realisation to think ok really it would be just that I WON, I dont really want HIM back, as a man or H. not now. im v mindful of it.. im not letting that creep back into my life for simple ego kudos.

I also reached a point where I keep reminding myself daily, being alone forever wouldnt be as bad as living with him and cake eating what he did, hed never forgive ME if the tables were turned anyway; why should I? when he'd not do the same? its nice to think they might TRULY be sorry for everything but deepin my heart I dont think he WOULD be, yanno, i dont think he WOULD truly regret it but just be mouthing the words. and I know if he ever came back it would be bc it didnt work out with HER and that family. SO not interested in being a second choice. or them saying I am, either...

ive been dealing a lot lately on just WHAT he could ever say to even come to a point where i could converse with him NORMALLY and I dont think there is ANYTHING actually. i think im only here on these forums, to get that closure within myself. really accept it. bc as you know our emotions go from one thing to the other like a weird cyclone. I might feel differently next week. but overall what im looking for is what temperature i keep RETURNING to, on my feelings... almost there

i hope everything goes as well as it can with your business... and yes I missed our sex life a lot too... unlike some here we had a very good and active sex life, tho I know he lied to OW about THAT too. whatever works for him to sleep at nights! at least I know i couldnt lie that bad.


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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thanks. the business is going to go under, i can only hope to see some of the money we put into it.

my husband lied from day one to the ow, about absolutely everything. i can only wish it catches up with him.

ive told her the truth, it seems she isnt believing much from him now, but that is her choice.

my wish is that it catches up with him.

i remind myself that if she "wins" him, she doesnt have the person i once had. he isnt that person.

that person would never do this.

she seems to think our "divorce" will be final soon.

ha, wait until she sees how long it takes and that im only agreeing to a separation.

she is looking for citizenship.

but really, its not about her. i cant help but think about her, but its not about her.

i need to move on.

i am a good person, so naturally i think of the good in people and the good in him. i need to stop.

as im thinking the good in him, feeling bad about him about how he wanted our business to work, is he thinking and feeling bad about me? about how he left his wife and son all alone for so long, coming home and leaving now 2 times, having an affair, lying about it and throwing away all of our money?

no.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
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we are in the same space. the ow in my sitch just wanted a free passage to australia also - shes english. thought she'd get it and nearly did - he did bring her out here without telling anyone, even his mother. but I outed it and she got sent back home.

but I still think she holds out on him one day sneaking back here (hes over there with her right now) and bringing her out to live. shes trying to better her life and shes doing it at my and my childrens expenses without a care in the world...

and little does she know it wont ever happen I have him tied up nicely here, he wont come back unless hes got nothing bc he owes too much money but i bet he doesnt disclose that to HER.

i also know she doesnt have the person i had for 20 years. funny cuz her parents told me spitefully that "you never knew him really" and i was like "wow thats obvious isnt it" but later I laughed and thought, "well you dont KNOW the man I knew so yanno, same back atcha". i wouldnt have accepted a man like him in my life then, when I had the choice, and just bc we have history and kids doesnt mean I should give up those values - i wouldnt want a man like HIM. hes NOT who I KNEW. hes a stranger to me. not someone i ever want to know either.

its funny bc ever since I started crystallising on this i started getting TERRIFIED hed return. I still am. its my latest thing. im finally working it out and getting straight so it seems just PAR FOR THE COURSE he'll come back to stuff that p for me. thats what im dealing with now - my intense fear of his return that he'll mess with my life and head.

i really dont think theres anymore left in me, to so much as hear his voice again. sad its come to that but now i have THAT issue to deal with - after all we have kids. i would just like to do what HE tried so hard to do - and disappear forever.


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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glad to know im not alone, that someone else is in a similar position.

ive seen glimpses of the person i knew, and i think he really wanted to be that person again and just couldnt push his way through.

its unfortunate. my son will only know his old dad through pictures. he will see what we used to have, how fun everything looked in those pictures. all the parties and bbqs we used to make. the happiness.

i hope when husband lays down at night, he feels the weight of what he has done. when all is quiet, when he is not talking his lies of the day, he knows what he did and what he told people.

i know he will be back round my way, i know he will. it seems neither of us can really leave the other. he always leaves his stuff with me, he has never fully left.

i hope this time i am strong enough to turn him away.

this time i have to move, without him. its hard to think about.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,501
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Can you rent your house out? My plan is to rent my house out to make the mortgage payments, becuase god knows, if H stops making the payments Ill lose it if I dont do something. This way I can keep it, rent a much cheaper apartment until I finish my degree, (which Ill probably have to move to do), or win the lottery, you know, whichever comes first...

When he lays down he will sit with his mistakes. He will wish that none of it ever happened. Where will you be when that happens?


I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
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my house has been in foreclosure, we had tried to save it, but the banks were not working with us.

i stopped into the store for a minute before, i wanted to take home the giant delicious brownies, i might as well eat them so they dont go to waste if the store will close!

he didnt have the employees come in because he said he cant pay them.

of course i get sucked in, and i was like, i tried to talk to u about the store, u wouldnt talk to me. maybe when u are ready, we can address this.

he was like, im not ready to talk to u yet. so i was like, well thats clear, u seem to be blaming me, which is a joke.

he said he will be here after school to see our son.

whats funny is that i saw i had missed a call from him at home. if he really didnt want to talk to me, he wouldnt call. he could text me.

i hate this.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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