Yikes just comparing my last two posts I'm either going through some wild ups and downs or I'm learning to bounce back from bad experiences much more quickly.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Quitting my job was a tough decision. It's a decent job, but it's not in a field I feel any passion for nor to I have any future aspirations for moving up in the world of banking.
I went to school for English and Creative Writing. Since I graduated I've written 2 novels, numerous short stories, several screenplays, and helmed an online web series. That's the stuff I feel passionate about. But naturally it's not where the money is, unless/until you get a big break. Needless to say I was content to have job security and income during the current Economic pits.
But now, my 9-5 day in day out daily grind is just another source of dissatisfaction for me. I've been working a job I get no joy out of. My wife has expressed that even if we did get back together, she would NOT want to live in my apartment. It was where we moved in when we got married, and she has always had an aversion to it because her grandmother died there. I agree, the place is full of bad memories now more than ever.
I want to get a breather, explore all my options and be ready to up and move somewhere new and exciting if in the coming months I realize I have to get out of this situation. Quitting my job was not only a way of letter her know I'm serious, but it also frees up my time to visit new cities and explore. And I'm hoping it permits me to spend at least a few months enjoying life a little more.
I'm very lucky that I've diligently saved over the years and can afford to do this. I'll probably store my things and live with my parents for a short while to cut my living expenses. I'm also lucky that I don't have any children with her to support and consider. I'm really only looking out for #1. Not by choice, but I might as well enjoy the freedom it grants me.
Gotcha. I was just wondering, since you had said something about "doing it cheaper," or "saving money" or something, so it had appeared irresponsible. But it sounds like you've prepared for it, and have a good plan.
I agree, we do best when we do what we are passionate about!
Right, I guess to be clear that dilemma is do I...
A: Stay in my nice apartment with my affectionate loving Cat, my clean comforatable setup, and my privacy for one more month.
or
B: Scramble to move out to save a cool 1,000 bucks of living expenses and find myself back at home depressed with no Cat (my mom's allergic), no nice amenities, minimized privacy, and parents potentially getting on my nerves.
It's also depressing to think that I had worked very hard to make our apartment such a nice place for us both to live and this is the circumstance that I'm leaving it under.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Puppy, I love how you are able to boil down these "tough" choices to thier obvious simplistic solutions.
You're right, staying put for the rest of 2009 would probably take a load off my mind and keep me moving at a pace I'm comforatable with. Financially I may regret it if I end up in NYC or LA scraping the bottom of my bank account. But I guess one more month of staying put is still playing it safe and leaving myself room to be financially prepared. I know I've had friends move to these places with next to no money to fall back on so maybe I should relax a little and just treat life like a holiday for one month.
I admit it makes me feel irresponsible but stepping back I have to ask irresponsbile to whom? My wife who's dating Joe Schmuck Face? My non existant kids?
As long as I'm not fooling myself and I know that by January I'm probably making the move.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Journalling to think about how I'm going to handle the next few months. I'm trying to think about what has/hasn't worked since this whole thing began and how I can reorganize my life and improve those tactics...
-GALing was going GREAT! I was feeling better about myself, having fun, and W was calling me more, missing me more, and spontaneously showing up at my door "wanting to kiss me." From mid September through the end of October I was soaring. Wife's mental problems (cutting herself) got my attention big time and she accused me of not caring so I tried to rotate some attention to her out of pure concern for her health and safety. She got me. I've been emailing and calling her too much to check up since then. I need to let her call me and not answer the first few times. Getting back to her a day or two later sometimes with an Email. (Drives her nuts, but I'm sure she doesn't realize this is how she treats me!) I also need to continue to find new activities to get involved in and meet new people. That's been VERY challenging. All my socially active "fun" friends wound up in W's camp. That means I have responsible dependable people to lean on, but they aren't helping me meet new friends. I need to find opportunities to meet new poeple or at least shake things up and reconnect with people I don't normally see.
-Setting Boundaries. I have clearly communicated to W that she should NEVER bring up OM to me in conversation ever. She has respected that and hasn't done it in some time except when we spoke in front of her therapist (which I can allow depending on the reason he's brought up.) I need to think about what other critical boundaries I can set without resorting to giving an ultimatum I'm not quite ready to follow through on. I know W depends on me for emotional support and closeness and she shouldn't get that while dating someone else. This is tricky because she doesn't deserve it right now, but I feel like one of my failings in our marriage was emotional distance. I guess I'd rather hold and reassure her about the things she deserves reassurance for to show her it's a plus of our relationship. OM won her by fanning her ego and connecting with her emotionally and now she's not getting that from him so why not let her get it from me (for now) under certain circumstances? If she's not talking about OM problems I feel like that can be a positive way for us to interact.
-W and I talked in front of her Therapist! I count this as a victory. W and I were both pleased with the session, and everyone is willing to do it again. My IC is also willing to rotate some sessions with both of us in so that we can each continue to get individual therapy while improving communication. It certainly couldn't hurt. W's therapist was emphasizing that W has a lot of work to do on herself before she needs to give up OM or reconsider our marriage. That was very discouraging. BUT maybe I can use that to my advantage. If I detach more and GAL effectively again, and W tries to accuse me of not caring or calling her enough I can blame it on advice that I got from HER therapist. "We've been told we can't work on our marraige right now. So I'm not. No pressure whenever you're ready. Always happy to talk about where things are going (when I'm not busy.)"
-She likes to threaten me by accusing me of not wanting to be married whenever she feels I'm not caring about her in a way that makes her feel good. I need to let that roll off of me, shrug and say "that's not true." That's a very effective way she has gotten me to fight with her and pay more attention to her. More tough love, less caving.
-Holidays are depressing. This is the most depressing year of my entire life. BUT again maybe I can turn this to my advantage. I like Christmas and New Years, and my Birthday is also in December. So i probably won't be spending them with my W? That's too bad, but the first 22 years of my life I celebrated holidays without her. I have a HUGE family and there are plenty of things going on this month that can and should be fun. I shouldn't need her to celebrate things I can celebrate with lots of other loved ones. She has a fractured relationship with her mother (due to her affair) and a very shallow unstable boyfriend. If one of us is going to be unhappy and miss the other, I can play my cards so that it's going to be her. No warm family gatherings. No husband showering her with gifts and affection. I think she needs another taste of life without me, and I need to NOT feel bad about letting her have it.
-Last time I GALed I think I came accross as cold and uncaring. I'd like to develop a slightly different approach this time. One that's more "Feel free to innitiate affection with me, but I'll be fine whether or not you do," or "I'm not craving your attention but I like it." I want to conduct myself with her as someone who truly wants his marriage back, but is following the advice of her therapy and not forcing something that she "can't" give yet.
These are the best solutions I can come up with for my situation right now.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Journaling because there have been no significant developments and I want to maintain awareness of this situation.
I've been GALing and ignoring W for the most part, and she seems to be doing an even better job of ignoring me. I guess I'll take that as a sign of some mental stablity on her part.
I did leave her a very brief courtesy Happy Thanksgiving message to which she did not respond, and I Emailed her last night because I noticed/remembered that there are some very odd pictures on her Facebook of her, myself, and OM from a play we all did together when we were friends. I asked her to remove/delete them and she respectfully replied today to say that she had and that she would give me a call soon (apparatnly she's been sick which could account for quietness on her front.)
Last night I also dug out our wedding pictures and shredded any and all pictures of OM (he was an usher!) I'll have to get the proofs from my mother in law and do the same. I figure if our marriage works out, I'll NEVER want to see his face in our wedding album, and if it doesn't I don't want those pictures to exist or resurface in this modern world of facebook and myspace. If/when she finds out that I've done this I have a feeling she'll be understanding. But if she has a problem with my destroying her pictures I could care less under the circumstances. I was worried it would be upsetting to dig through the albums, but it was actually a lot of fun to rip out the pictures and calmly run threm through the paper shredder! There were a few shots of three I was able to cut him out and keep me and a friend, or W and a friend in tact. If she can rewrite history so I!
In talking to W's mother apparantly W still talks about moving back in with me as something that could likely happen, which is a little surprising to me considering how minimal her effort to communicate/spend time with me has been. I guess I still feel like the outcome of this situation is going to be 50/50, either she does, or she doesn't.
The Seperation was supposed to last until January and I just don't expect her to have made up her mind about anything by then. She doesn't seem to be trying very hard to figure her life out, at least not in any way that I can concretely observe.
Next weekend I'm taking a trip to Los Angeles to visit friends and explore the city. I'm contemplating moving to a new city if my marriage fully fails, and it's on my list of potentials. On Dec. 11th I have my new last day of work, and I'm going to set up a creative writing regiment and plan lots of fun Holiday acitivities to enjoy the extra time! Maybe I'll even start walking/losing weight again!
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
