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Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
So are you still trying to convince her how she's wrong and you're right, if she just does X, Y, and Z the marriage will be all better?

None of that is attractive or effective.

On a different topic, just because you don't have children does not mean it's easier to move on or that you should just throw in the towel. You won't have to deal with your ex forever as co-parents, but it doesn't mean your R is worth any less or the pain of a breakup is any less.


Pearlharbr,

For the past 3 weeks, I have not tried to convince her of ANYTHING regarding our relationship. I am GALing, enjoying it, and it has started to get her attention.

I agree that my situation is less complicated because there are no kids. But that doesn't make it quite that simple that I should just drop everything. I have known her for almost a decade. We are very good friends, we've done a lot of growing up together, and she has been there for me and with me through hard times and good times. We have a lot of history and I love her and care for her like I would any other member of my family. In fact she meant all that and more to me, and as I'm sure you all can see I'm still DEEPLY troubled for her well being in spite of all my anger towards her. Before I give her up I want to make sure I've tried EVERYTHING.

I know the ingredients for reconciliation and repair are there, I know I can do the hard work, she just needs to step up. Not happening any time soon but if I can ride this out until the end of the year she might. If not I may get sick of it and move on before then. I'm not in a rush, and I don't want to make rash decisions I might regret.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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Also as a final update before the weekend starts (going out of town with friends :)), I did get in touch with our mutual friend about the suicidal tendencies issue. She confirmed for me that she was worried about W's mental state right now. But it sounds like for now she's stable. My friend told me she was going to continue to check in on W and not to worry about it, she would let me know if there was an emergency that called for any action on my part.

Thanks for eveyrone's thoughts, I might be sparse until Sunday.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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Frosty Michael

Read this carefully

YOU CANNOT SAVE SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE SAVED

Just like no one can stop there WAS from leaving

You have to let her do what she thinks is the right thing to do even if you feel it's the wrong thing

Based on how we were raised, the influential people in our life, the morals that was passed down to us as children and our own pain that we have been through in our lives make us who we are and guides us in our decision making & we are right in all our choices no matter how flawed others make think it is

Ever get lost don’t ask directions drive around for a hour then realize the place you were going was right across the street? During the time you were lost you were so focus that no one could persuade you could they? You literary had to bump into the place for you to realize how close you were

During that time no one could save you, you were so focused on what you believed were right that’s the same mindset she has right now!


WAW 32
ME 38
D11, S9 & D2
Together 10/96
Married 4/2000
Bomb 4/2006
PA1 9/2006
PA2 11/2006
I now know I want out, With my Kids!!!

After a year, love is a choice not a feeling!
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alexjadams,

Thanks. I do need to keep telling myself that I can't help someone who isn't helping themself. I hope and pray she steps up and makes some good choices in the next month.

I had a nice weekend out of town with friends, but did have an encounter with W Friday night before I left. She showed up randomly at my door and I politely invited her in. No R talk, no innitiating of touching/affection on my end. I told her I was leaving to go out of town soon and that the visit would be short.

I can tell she is an emotional trainwreck now. She showed me some nasty scars on her arms confirming my fears and that was devestating to see but I did not break down in any way. I simply told her that she needs to take care of herself and she can call me or another trustworthy person before she resorts to that kind of behavior.

We were sitting on the couch and she moved close to me and cried on my shoulder, reaching for me. At that point I thought it was okay to hold her. She told me she wanted to kiss me and innitiated it before she left.

On some (I would think subconscious) level maybe she's trying to manipulate me into paying more attention to her but I haven't faltered in my no contact GALing attempts. I am haunted by the scars on her arms, but I keep telling myself there is nothing I need to do and nothing I can do but wait and see what she brings to me.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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Originally Posted By: Frosty Michael
On some (I would think subconscious) level maybe she's trying to manipulate me into paying more attention to her


There's nothing subconscious about it, that's exactly what she is doing.

She's an actor so I would assume she's prone to be melodramatic (I say this as an amateur actor myself). She knows how to push your buttons. Stop giving her the reaction she's looking for--that would be a good 180.


If you love somebody, set them free.
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Right. She just emailed me this afternoon to say she cut herself AGAIN last night and she really wants to talk to me. How many times can I just say "Take care of yourself, call someone before you hurt yourself."??? I haven't responded yet.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 133
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Trying really hard to walk that fine line between respecting myself by GALing and not pursuing her, without crossing over into the territory of cruelty.

I did respond to her email doing exactly what I said in my last post "Please don't resort to that behavior, call your therapist, me, or <5 specific other trustworthy poeple> before picking up a knife. If you don't get the first person you call try the next."

I know logically I'm doing everything I can/should do, but it's driving me crazy not to give her a phone call just to leave a message saying call if you need to. Voicemails sound sincere. Emails sound cold. But I can't help it if she decides to interpret it as insincerity. Maybe it'll even work in my favor if she does?

But I only want to reply or pick up the phone if she innitiates. And only reply if it's serious sounding. I'm afraid she's in the midst of a full on mental breakdown and all I can really do is go about my business until I hear from her or worse, someone else with bad news about her.

She is telling me she wants to talk to me. But she's also so stressed and busy that I know I'll just get the Voice Mail. I told her she can call me late at night if it's serious, so what more can I do? I know... nothing.

In spite of it I feel no guilt that I've been relaxing and enjoying myself a lot. Went to a nearby coffee shop last night to read, went late night grocery shopping, watched some new DVDs. Tonight I'm going out to eat, meeting up with a friend. The opportunities to hook up with old female friends are popping up here and there and I'm not sure I'm ready to go there yet, but it's tempting. I know my W is very unreasonably jealous (she gets worked up when she sees me comment on a Facebook message for a woman she doesn't know), but if and when I go on a date I want it to be sincere not just to get W worked up.


Age: 28
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Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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Michael,

Trust me, she will learn to MAKE it "serious-sounding" if at first her non-serious-sounding voicemails to you aren't returned, and promptly.

She will continue to push your buttons. There's nothing cruel about not indulging crap behavior. In fact, one could make the case that it's cruel TO enable it, as it does neither ONE of you any favors.

Puppy

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Well whatever her motives may be I have seen the scars on her arms. So I do have to take her seriously if she calls for help. But I don't have to do anything but carefully try to talk her out of destructive behavoir. I'm just going to be very careful about how I present myself to her as I offer my support about this problem.

How does one tell when it's time to stop ignoring in general? She's already telling me how horrifically guilty she is. She's taking it out on herself. She's let me know that OM is unhappy with her.

Obviously until she says "I want to save our relationship and OM is gone, let's start joint therapy", there's nothing for me to do but react carefully.

After her play is over I think she'll probably start trying to see me again (already acting like she wants to). My instinct is that's fine as long as I'm not dropping plans to be with her, I'm not innitiating contact, and as long as the main focus of my life is still myself and not her. I'm trying not to think about it too much and just keep plowing ahead with my own life. I am enjoying myself after all.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Joined: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted By: Frosty Michael


How does one tell when it's time to stop ignoring in general? She's already telling me how horrifically guilty she is. She's taking it out on herself. She's let me know that OM is unhappy with her.


When she ends all contact with him -- 100% -- and agrees to full transparency. Until then, her promises are meaningless at best, and lies at worst.

Puppy

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