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#1847860 - 09/30/09 04:56 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
I could be wrong, but you seem to want to RESCUE her, Michael. Do you have any past history of being attracted to this type of woman?
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"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1847861 - 09/30/09 04:57 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Frosty Michael Offline
Member

Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 133
Loc: Chicago IL
Puppy, I think we're on the same page now.
_________________________
Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011

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#1847863 - 09/30/09 05:00 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Frosty Michael Offline
Member

Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 133
Loc: Chicago IL
Yeah I think that's a fair way to describe my impulses. I think OM is so despicable and it does drive me nuts to see her (who I think NORMALLY is quite wonderful) despondant over him (who is not worth her time.) On a primary level I would just like to see her happy, THEN worry about whether or not we can reunite.

Oddly enough that's pretty much the way OM operated too. He's kind of a Yesman, and I feel like he won her over by valiantly defending her and validating everything she felt.

Meanwhile as her husband I was giving her logical advice which is just no fun.
_________________________
Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011

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#1847873 - 09/30/09 05:09 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Coach Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 5299
Quote:
I was giving her logical advice


This comes across as judgemental, controlling, parent-child dynamic, and dictorial. That's how guys talk to each other, you got a problem here's how you fix it. Validating, listening, letting her problems be her problems, and creating a emotional connection is what you are striving for.
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M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

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#1847877 - 09/30/09 05:13 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Coach]
Frosty Michael Offline
Member

Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 133
Loc: Chicago IL
I hear you coach. Validating her is something I failed at. I wish I knew all the stuff I'm leaning now then, but at least I know now.
_________________________
Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011

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#1847923 - 09/30/09 06:02 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Arwen_in_NJ Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/09
Posts: 118
Loc: northern NJ
Originally Posted By: Frosty Michael

Trust me I'm quick to remind her she's making a big mistake every day she chooses to remain unfaithful.


I don't think I would do that. Sounds patronizing. She's a big girl that's made a BIG mess that only she can sort through. Until she sees it and KNOWS it (hits bottom maybe), everything you say is going to be seen as pursuit.

Just my 2.
_________________________
Me: 50; Wife: 48
Gay; civil union in NJ
no kids
M: 15 years, together 17
Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY
W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed

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#1847957 - 09/30/09 06:56 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Arwen_in_NJ]
Frosty Michael Offline
Member

Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 133
Loc: Chicago IL
Haha, this is all so confusing.

Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I've told her many times that every day she chooses to continue this lifestyle she continues to disrespect me, which I can and do take personally.

Even so, going forward trying NOT to talk about the relationship as much as I can, not innitiating contact unless I feel there's an emergency, and GALing.
_________________________
Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011

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#1848373 - 10/01/09 01:34 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
pearlharbr Offline
Member

Registered: 12/08/08
Posts: 2204
Originally Posted By: Frosty Michael
Trust me I'm quick to remind her she's making a big mistake every day she chooses to remain unfaithful.


Originally Posted By: Frosty Michael
Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I've told her many times that every day she chooses to continue this lifestyle she continues to disrespect me, which I can and do take personally.


So which is it? There is a huge difference. The first is controlling and condemning, the second is maintaining boundaries (but I would take out the part about it taking it personally).

IMO, listening to her complaints and offering her advice on OM is degrading and wussy, not at all worthy of respect. You're relegating yourself to the role of a girlfriend.
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If you love somebody, set them free.
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#1848542 - 10/01/09 05:45 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: pearlharbr]
Frosty Michael Offline
Member

Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 133
Loc: Chicago IL
Pearlharbr,

First I was telling her one, then the other, now I'm more or less breaking off contact. I agree, I want to be maintaining boundaries, respecting myself, and stop judging her. I've done enough of that and it gets you nowhere.

To be clear again. I'm not gabbing on the phone with her about OM like a gal pal. He rarely comes up, but has come up when she had a suicide attempt and breifly came up after what I learned was a 2nd self destructive episode. I fear he is becoming an emotional abuser and it makes me VERY angry at him. (ie Puppy's astute observation that I'm driven to rescue her) Not that she doesn't deserve to feel bad, but he's criticizing her about things she should feel good about.

I do kind of feel like I'm doing my best in the face of these very serious incidents. But I do see the value in everyone's reaction to the very idea of discussing OM with her. I'm going to keep working on how to handle her because I feel like if I keep ignoring, she's going to call again and probably not in a happy healthy frame of mind. Maybe I should start a thread about suicidal walk away spouses? But I'm not 100% sure how seriously to take this because I'm not seeing her to asses the damage? How do you deal with a mentally unstable spouse who needs help and comes to you (the person they've disrespected so much) in a time of need? I don't feel like I can turn her away.
_________________________
Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011

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#1848594 - 10/01/09 07:41 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
pearlharbr Offline
Member

Registered: 12/08/08
Posts: 2204
If she is truly suicidal and not just trying to manipulate you then I would recommend you inform her family and have them step in to monitor her.

The OM may very well be verbally abusing her, but this is not your problem. She chose her actions, she chose the consequences. If you continue to protect her she will continue to cake eat, having OM and you to run to when he treats her poorly.
_________________________
If you love somebody, set them free.
http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g

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