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Thanks Golf. I don't see myself as amazing, my h has not returned, but thanks for those kind words. I cannot give advice on waiting, you will need to do what is in your heart.

For me, I loved my h so much that he was worth the 3 years. I know if he never returns, that I truly gave it my all and then some. There wasn't anyone else I wanted to share my life with. Not out of fear, but knew I didn't want to jump into another R with anyone. I adored my h, and still do to some degree.

My h is in a crisis and if you can view it that way it can help you through the bad and sad times. Move your life along as if he is not returning. If you are standing fill that time for you and get to know yourself again. Prepare for your future for you.

God has helped me through this. I couldn't do it alone.


Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
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Do you have joint credit card accounts? If so, you need to either remove his name or set up a new account for you and have your name removed from the joint account. Why? Because if he's in full blown replay, he will charge to the hilt and you, as joint card holder, will be responsible for any debt that he incurs on that card.

As for joint checking and savings, if you start to see spending activity that you cannot account for, move some of the money over to an account for yourself.

Since you are paying the normal bills...you are seeing the activity there.

When separation divorce talks begin and there is financial assets involved, you will need to leave your emotions at the door. Yes, you love him, but you will need to look at the monetary situation as a business deal. You cannot think that he will do right by you. Why? If he full blown mlc, he will lie to you about things, just to get what he wants. You cannot afford to wear your heart on your sleeve when discuss your assets. You have to think and talk like a business partner during the negotiations.

As for the BS he's telling you, is it memorex or is it real? If it's memorex, let it go. They rewrite history to justify what they are doing and have done. Listen, but do not get into an argument or heavy discussion about it.

BTW, you can't fix him, only he can do that. You have to take care of you and your children.

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Do they ever stop lying? Is he lying to everyone else (including the OW)? It's the lying and the constant deception that makes me nervous. He does e-mail, text, call, and visit me. I am sometimes available, often not....How do I deal with that? Is he just 'playing me' or does he still want to be around me to some degree?

It's interesting...he made a comment about how 'frugal' I have always been. Given what you all have said, I am wondering about his "new" spending habits??


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
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The lying stops when they grow up, accept responsiblity for their actions and face the consequences of their actions. During the crisis, lying and deception are very major players in all that they do.

In some ways, they remain connected to us. We are their "mom" or "dads" and they see us as the authority figures right now. Just like a toddler learning to walk...they want to try it, but mom, do not be far away.

My personal take on his commet about being "frugal" as saying that you didn't spend money on fun things or just spent to be spending. I think he may have resented the frugal spending that you did in the marriage. Listen to what he says and try to sift through the bs. Where his parents frugal?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I didn't spend a lot of money on fun things, that's true. As a teacher (limited salary) I didn't have the money to spend on stuff. Now, since he owns the business, we have money to spend, but I'm worried to spend any given what he might do next. Yes, his parents were also very frugal.

He has 3 motorcycles and a very expensive gun collection, but that's because he makes triple what I do....I have some nice golf clubs! smile


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
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snodderly, very interesting...he did move out, but he's only a minute or so away. so, that's why he moved there...hmm...


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 802
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You know, I still blame myself...how can I stop that? If only I had been a better wife, etc., etc....

What caused the MLC? Would it have happened no matter what? That's what I've read, but I need reassurance....PLEASE!!


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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His crisis is not about you. It is about him, his childhood and unresolved issues from his childhood. His emotional state was stunted at some point during childhood. This can be caused by verbal, phyiscal or mental abuse, admiration/validation were not provided by his parents, he was treated as it he were non-existent, etc.

It would have happened no matter who he was married to.

We all have travel the road of "what if" and the bottom line is this....it's his journey to find himself. We can't fix them because we didn't break them. We are now on a journey of self discovery too.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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snodderly, everything you said about his childhood is absolutely true! thanks for letting me know to STOP blaming myself and move on with my life. I so want him to come back, but he's going to be different and so am I, so who knows where that will take us.

I want to share my life with someone. I want to be in a relationship. Ugh! But, I have to be sure I have done everything to save this marriage before I move on to another relationship. The only thing that will help heal is time...and I know that. Do you have a thread? What is your situation?


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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Live your life to the fullest and never doubt yourself. Listen to your gut instinct if you are not sure about something.

My situation is very, very old and I no longer maintain a thread here. I am very much divorced and living life to the fullest...


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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