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#1850224 - 10/05/09 10:46 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Nell, guess what? It's not H's job to make you feel good....it's your job! Don't give anyone the power to ruin your day and certainly don't rely on anyone else for your happiness!

You're angry and upset and fed up but there's a 'fighting spirit' in there. It's the beauty within, ready to live for you.

Nell, I've just read your posts to Rabbit and others along the way and I have to say that you are incredibly insightful and I think you are very generous with your time in replying to others in such a way. Many people on here, myself very much included, appreciate your wisdom.

Your homework Nell is to write down all your positive attributes and then to create your own mantra based on these attributes. Say the mantra as you wake, sleep, in the shower, in the car. Celebrate the beautiful person that you are. Love you and don't give H power to determine your day in any way.

And no, no, no don't contact H's family.

(((((Nell)))))

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#1850225 - 10/05/09 10:51 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: dolphin_05]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Just posted to you Nell and then found this on Kalni's thread...thanks to John and unknown author. Some similarities;

The No-“I have to have closure” Rule

Your “closure” is your responsibility. You get closure by doing your work, not by re-engaging and dredging up more stuff. You get closure by keeping yourself safe, being good to yourself and un-attaching from that which you have been attached.

The only closure you can hope for is the closure that comes from inside you. The person who hurt you cannot give you closure, nor should you want them to or expect them to or give them that kind of power. You need to move on from where you are for you.

Closure is part emotional work and part decision. At some point you need to turn the page and decide it’s over. Closure is your deal and yours alone. When you’ve done the grief work, worked through your inventories and made a decision to move on, that is closure. Closure happens for you and inside you. And only you. You get it from within, never from without.

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#1850230 - 10/05/09 11:03 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: dolphin_05]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated

Thank you for your lovely sentiments Cas. It's just always easier for me to help than be helped ... it's my nature - and my vocation in life. It's why I can't help myself and suffer so badly because of it. I help others, not the other way around, that's just the way it always has been for me to be me. That's why it's been so easy for H to walk away - he asked me to let him go if I loved him and so it was easier to bear my pain than to see his.

I fear that my fighting spirit has just given over to the dam bursting and over-flowing by the bucket full. Long overdue. I'm so glad that I see C tomorrow evening. I feel so empty here and crying alone ... I have tried to believe that I have new friends here but now that I need to talk to one of them, it's so easy to find a reason why I shouldn't call them ... and that's not friendship. The only one I would call is in work and excited about her citizenship ceremony tomorrow, so I shall just gather up the babies and do what I always do ... go to bed.

Tomorrow is another day, as Scarlett O'Hara once said.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1850234 - 10/05/09 11:13 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
So what do I do now? Bills are coming in again and I can't cover them all. Can't get H to answer any of my communications.

Seems like his dirty tricks campaign to flush me out of the house is working.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1850237 - 10/05/09 11:23 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Just realised. H will be on his way home, catching the red eye tonight.

I can imagine that he will be intouch tomorrow or Wednesday. I just have to hold it together until then.

It's going to take all that I have for me to have a decent conversation with him next time. I feel the anger brewing like Vesuvius, already. Perhaps I just agree to a phone call or email exchange, rather than seeing him. I don't know that I want to right now.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1850245 - 10/05/09 11:47 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
JCJ Offline
Member

Registered: 05/27/08
Posts: 3324
Loc: London, UK
If you don't know or are angry, don't act. Think on it. the 24 hour rule.

(((Nell)))
_________________________
M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
Now travelling the world

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#1850662 - 10/05/09 09:58 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: JCJ]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Cas - thanks for Kalni's quote. Makes sense but I cringe at the word closure right now. I think that must mean I am not really done or ready for such. It's like the D word - I can't bear to even read it and so am glad that it's referred to here as just a letter!

JCJ - good to have you pop in again. I am glad that I had the sense to walk away from the computer last night when I was allowing magma to fly from me! I'm also glad that I worked out some timings and figured that H was on his way back to Perth. I guess it's easy to figure out why I feel better that he is here and not interstate, even though he's not home with me!

Mostly, I am glad that I didn't spit venom toward his family. That would be bad. Very, very bad.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1850669 - 10/05/09 10:10 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
girlfromoz Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 885
Hi Nell

Cas has already said what I was going to say that you can't rely and shouldn't rely on H for your happiness or your compliments. I learn't that and I learn't to accept compliments from strangers and friends, you must too Nell.

I am glad you chose to walk away from the computer and not send any more emails and no don't ring the in-laws, never a good move.

You have proved many times that you have a fighting spirit Nell so use that to your advantage to distance yourself from the negativity coming from your H and use it to empower yourself to love yourself. Remember you have to love and respect yourself first above everything.

((((((((Nell)))))))
_________________________

Trying to keep hope alive

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#1850671 - 10/05/09 10:15 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated

Message from H this morning: "This week is rather hectic for me. Maybe the weekend. What do you want to discuss?"

The email must have been sent whilst he was at the airport. The time stamp fits in perfectly with his scheduled flight back. I kind of quite like that as it means that he was keen to get a response to me as soon as he was away from ow. If he was really aggro with me, surely he would have waited until he got back?? Perhaps I am just seeking for comfort in that and I know that I should be reading nothing in to this action. Just one dew drop helps when you have been in the desert for so long, eh?!

Is he DB'ing me?? Let's not forget that I asked him last time 'what do you want to discuss' - same technique!

Now, what do I answer. Is this my time to 'meet for coffee' - would be pushing it for anything more, I reckon. Do I change things completely around and say that I will go to him, rather than him come to the house?? I always feel that there's a bad vibe here after he exits in a storm. A new event is that this is the first time he has suggested a weekend meeting ... normally his weekends are sacrisanct - but only because of the tramp. Do we meet half way or at a 'location' ... can think of a nice park where it would be good to meet and have coffee 'picnic-style'. Mmmm, I'm liking that thought but don't know if he's ready for it yet.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1850679 - 10/05/09 10:27 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Haven't had time to think much about this but my suggested reponse is:

"Sure, I understand. As in my email, I just need to explain some financial stuff/ask a few financial questions.

This weekend is good for me. Which day were you thinking and where would you like to meet? It would be nice for us to go somewhere which would be conducive to us having a positive conversation - any suggestions?

Is this a step too far, too quickly? I don't want to frighten him off. Also, if he came to the house, he may stay a bit longer and do some more jobs but I have reservations on him coming here this time. I was going to suggest a venue and bringing coffee but that sounds like pursuit, even to me!! Perhaps a beach café may be better and then just see what pans out ...

Thoughts please ... just remember that this is a big opportunity for me and they don't come around any too often so I need it to be GREAT, not just good!! No pressure then!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
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