UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[dolphin_05]

I think it's all about availability!

H is run off his feet running a business, taking wife to doctors and treatments, being mum and Dad. ow is caring, loving and helping him in such a difficult time...the rest is history.

And now I wonder if ow is 'the one', wouldn't you just get rid of me from your life completely, especially after 2 years separation?

[Eskimo Nell]

Perish the thought Cas - I wonder why some of the men are hanging in there ... is it that they can't cut the safety net as they knew that they were on to a good thing with their W?

I fear that I may well be on that same page although the 'availability' in my case is the thing that could make things either work out or fizzle out for H. Evidently, I am hoping for the latter and the sooner the better.

I'm here - no kids, no ties, no binds - just me. H doesn't want that but in comparison he has gone for ow who lives interstate, with an unknown quantity of kids (at least two at home) and from goodness knows how many previous R's. H says that ow D her H because he was sleeping around. Uh hum - so what does the tramp do - why, she encourages my H to do the same ... so how does that work? Like an idiot, my H falls for the tricks and will now be lumbered with all her baggage - expecting me to lose my home and M to pay for it all. THIS STINKS. It is is injust and immoral.

I'm feeling like my bottle of water is slowly pouring down the plughole today. I just want to see H - it's been almost 3 weeks now and only the few emails that I got recently which has kept me going. He's definitely weaning me away from him. Meanwhile, I am here in our home and surrounded by our stuff. I wonder what his thoughts are? I think that he won't act now until after Christmas ... then I'm waiting for him to strike - big time.

I just don't know anymore how to even get him to come here and start any conversation, never mind R talk. I am just sat, waiting for him to come to me .... and I wait ... and wait ... and wait ..... When do I take some action for myself?? I was thinking of calling him to say that I will be in his neighbourhood on Wednesday evening - could we meet after work to discuss some financial matters. Is this a good or bad thing to do?? We do need to talk about stuff still, but now that I'm working it's not as crucial as it was before. I still feel that he's getting off lightly and there are some bills which he has failed to address, leaving me to pay them alone. Nevertheless, I do feel that Gucci would call my actions 'caving' and I don't want to be accused of that, so perhaps had better just let things ride along as they are at the moment??

[Dudess]

I am just sat, waiting for him to come to me .... and I wait ... and wait ... and wait ..... When do I take some action for myself?? I was thinking of calling him to say that I will be in his neighbourhood on Wednesday evening - could we meet after work to discuss some financial matters. Is this a good or bad thing to do??

Bad thing. Very bad thing. Leave him alone for now.

Do nothing to move towards him. You have to allow space for him to move towards you.

[dolphin_05]

Nell, from my own perspective I say leave it be. Do not contact him. Eventhough you don't realise it you are becoming stronger through nc. From my own personal perspective I was much stronger and more independent with NC. I probably should have made H work a bit harder to resume contact and I think if he doesn't initiate contact this week I will go quiet again. I've learnt now that it does affect him.

btw did you see that Greg Norman and Chris Evert have split?

[Eskimo Nell]

I knew that answer before it arrived but you made me laugh Dudess - I love the way that you wrote your first sentence ... I felt like a naughty puppy who had pee'd on the floor!!!!!!! First laugh I have had in ages and put a <grin> on my face!!

I agree though - I should leave well alone. Thanks for confirming.

[Eskimo Nell]

That also makes a lot of sense to me Cas. I can't fail to see how my H would also remain unaffected by nc with me but I think that he hides it so much better than I do. He's so very much his own man - always has been. Women are different, aren't we?

How sad that Chris and Greg have split up. I was looking at her on the Wall of Fame at Wimbledon when I was there in June. Remember she was once linked with Jimmy Connors?! I thought that they were the luckiest couple around in those days. She must be one rich lady $s wise but equally as poor in her heart now that her R leaves her in the same boat as the rest of us (presuming that she is a LBS)?

[dolphin_05]

I think you're right on the differences between male and female there Nell. That's why I think you'll enjoy 'Why Women Talk....' My H is the same. He'll even go so far as to say things don't bother him but his actions show something else altogether.

If media is correct and Evert and Norman were having an affair to begin I just find it interesting that it really didn't last very long. Supports the theory that affairs don't usually end up happily ever after.

[Eskimo Nell]

Indeed. Looking forward to my book arriving at the library.

Ah, didn't know that the sportsters were having an A - in that case, go figure that it has not worked!

I think that this uncertainty in the back of the WAS's mind is maybe what allows them to continue to hold on to us as a safety net. It's having the cake but saving it for later scenario!

My H said that, even if ow doesn't work out, he still won't be back. I don't know what to make of that really ... do I DB and wait and find out or do I take him at his word (against the 50/50 rule) and cut his safety net for him?

I'm fed up of him having the locus of control over everything but I think that he is enjoying the new feeling as he always said that it was me that was totally in control. If that were the case, why are we here??

[dolphin_05]

Indeed. My H said that, even if ow doesn't work out, he still won't be back. I don't know what to make of that really ...

Nell, remember that just because H said that it doesn't really mean it's accurate. We've both been told that plenty of times before. I just thought of something to support that...my H has said a few things along the way:

* told me early on that ow was better than I've ever been,(later apologised and told me he said that cos it was the most hurtful thing he could think of at the time)
* told me how much he hated me and never wanted to see me again, (then had to apologise and tell me he didn't really hate me, he would always care for me. That didn't mean he didn't tell me hated me at some other stage yet again. He hates me so much he buys a house 5 mins drive from me, visits me in hospital, has dinner together, goes for walks with me, talks on the phone with me etc, etc)
* told me he was organising the divorce the next day (several times now...still waiting on that)

He would also say that in his attempt to stop you pressuring him. Reality is he probably doesn't know himself yet.

[Eskimo Nell]

Reality is he probably doesn't know himself yet.

You reckon, Cas?? Well, that gives me renewed hope.

I have just been to the shower, manicured and trimmed all my lady bits ... taken away all that which should not be there and improved all the bits that should! That, this time, was for me and no-one else... and it feels good to look after myself a bit. Smelling of my favourite body wash and oils now, my mood is a little lighter.

I think that the WAS definitely has the same script - to within a word or two! I have heard much of what you said, above. Trouble is, my H has rented an hour away from me, so that's a big issue as I see things, right now.

Just wondering how I go about asking him to come and give the help around the place that he promised to do - maintainence and heavy stuff. I've managed this long but it is getting too much for me out in the garden and then I notice that I have let other stuff slide. I don't want to get in a rut and it's his responsibility too, which he did acknowledge, up until the fiasco that was last weekend! I shall stay away though and try to figure out how I broach it when he next contacts me.