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#1774734 - 05/28/09 04:54 PM Re: he was back, i think [Re: mdoodles]
mdoodles Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/08
Posts: 1011
Loc: new york
i just cant do this.

h came this afternoon (closed the store early). i wondered if he would ring the bell. no, he lets himself in and marches around like its still his house.

i dont get it. if it were me that truly wanted out, i would take my stuff and leave and when i came by to see our son, i would wait at the door to take him out.

no, he doesnt do that.

i cant go through this. i cant let go and at the same time, i feel like i only want to win. i dont want her to have him.

but i have to let go. i cant hang on, it wont let me move on to hang on.

i need to not see him or talk to him. well how practical is that?

i need to force the fact that he cant come in here. i should have him pick up our son at my in laws house so i dont see him.

but i know me, i will look at him out the window (they live next door).

this is incredibly hard. i dont know how to give up. i have held on for almost 3 years.
_________________________
me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09

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#1774936 - 05/29/09 01:36 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: mdoodles]
bluerain Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/08
Posts: 1501
Loc: Alaska
I know that now it seems so very hard, and like you just cant keep going... but really, what else is there to do?

You just wake up tomorrow for yourself and your boy. Baby girl, you have an incredibly bright future, if he is lucky enough to be there for it then great.. if not, well, its his loss.

One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. When the $hit gets up to your eyeballs you put your goggles on and keep going, because you have to.
_________________________
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...

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#1774949 - 05/29/09 03:40 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: bluerain]
FightingFit Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 126
Loc: Canberra, Australia
Dear Mdoodles...

I so empathise, with all your feeling... I really get it, and I am in the same space, but you know part of the thing with this, is just deciding... that you dont HAVE to make any hard or fast decisions on how you feel... if you are anything like me, you probably feel differently every week right? you know, thats ok. I know its unfuriating but its also OK. I dont bother much talking about how I feel about x anymore bc its not true = i may feel differently tomorrow.

you will work thru this at your own pace and time, but its fine to just decide your too tired emotionally to TRULY decide how yo actually FEEL about anything right now. and maybe not for ages. I am like you - mostly id like to win so the stupid OW doesnt win. I understand thats not a good enough reason and its really beneath my belief system too, and I feel quite ashamed of that - theres no integrity there, bc I bet she felt the same about ME when she was wooing the ex, and i want NOTHING in common with HER. so i am at the stage atm where I remind myself, i am nothing like her and I would never stoop to her depths, i will rise above feelings such as those and feel v differently later on. on my good days, I dont care less if she wins or NOT and even hope they ARE together. in a way thats pretty damn good revenge.

but in themeantime, we do what we have to to just survive.
_________________________
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.

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#1774960 - 05/29/09 06:54 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: FightingFit]
mdoodles Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/08
Posts: 1011
Loc: new york
its just all moving to fast for me. one day he is here, we are working together on the business and one day its done.

and then at night i conjur up the ways to get him back. and why do i want him? if he could do this to me?

and after he was home yesterday, and still lingers around like normal, leaves all of his stuff (why didnt he take his shoes by that are sitting by the door, why?)...it just makes it harder.

my mother in law and i still try to figure out how to bring him back.

when i ask him if im correct that he does not sleep here any longer, he answers me with i guess. why not a firm no?

i am torturing myself. im choosing to torture myself.
_________________________
me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09

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#1774985 - 05/29/09 08:17 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: mdoodles]
FightingFit Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 126
Loc: Canberra, Australia
well, that healthy... and of course you torture yourself, you were with him a long time. you hsd a lot invested there...

look your not to be blamed for wanting your old life back, thats just normal. gee I think no one could truly call that 'weak' or anything...

but you are right, if he seems to have made his decision, your not wrong in deciding to let him live with it, for good and all. remember, even if you never find another man again, you still have yor kids and their families to live for, you got a lot going for you! its tragic yes, but its not ... dying. you can live thru it, if you choose to.

I think like me, you are in that place where you want to "win", and you want to know your marriage MEANT something! thats nothing to be ashamed of! its normal... but after some talk, and some intropsection, you begin looking OUTIDE that vaidation. thats only a small thing. it might seem the biggest thing RIGHT NOW, but overall in your life, you have other agendas too. and those will loom ever larger, as your sitch passes on into history.

I am the exact same, I would LOVE to "win" to just "win", against OW against the family, but at the end of the day it is not going to answer my deeper questions. even if it happened I wouuld still have issues...

im fighting to get past the "win" thing
_________________________
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.

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#1775058 - 05/29/09 10:16 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: FightingFit]
lola485 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 35
Loc: AR
mdoodles...I so sympathize with everything you're going through. I so understand also what you and fightingfit said about just wanting to win. Some days I feel like that. The OW is a bottem feeder...was having an affair with his married best friend before she latched onto him. They actually overlapped for a brief period. Yet he doesn't see what kind of person she is. I have days when I feel ok with things...that maybe this is for the best, as life with him has been very difficult the past year since his daughter's death. But then I think of her "winning" and it makes me crazy. I read somewhere, don't know if it was a db book or not, about visualizing a stop sign when you start to think of the ow, and just stop it. Sometimes it works. I so feel for you and I will be watching your posts to see if there's anything I can offer to help. You're not alone in this.
_________________________
Me:42
H:47
T:11 yrs
M:5 1/2 yrs
Death of my step daughter in July 2008
He began relationship with OW in August 2008
H will be moving out in next couple of weeks

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#1775070 - 05/29/09 10:37 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: mdoodles]
PositivelyMommy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/13/08
Posts: 714
He doesn't say a firm 'no' because he is weak. He doesn't want to take the responsibility for a firm 'no'.

That's the way I see it when our H is noncommittal.
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
S:9
D:7
First Bomb ONS:June 07
Second Bomb OW: March 08
Separated: March 08
M:15 yrs
T:18 yrs
H deep into A with OW
Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09

'Yes, I can.'

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#1775080 - 05/29/09 10:46 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: PositivelyMommy]
mdoodles Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/08
Posts: 1011
Loc: new york
im totally in denial. totally.

this is what happens to me, its like a defense mechanism.

the store just adds this whole other level. if it werent for the store, i would be feeling more settled.

we set up a new life for us, i just cant let it fall. i just cant.

im struggling.

i havent emailed, called or text since yesterday evening.

i guess that is good.

but i feel myself getting dressed and going over to the store.

i want to pull back. then i remember my husband telling me how i didnt fight for him...the last time i pulled back.
_________________________
me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09

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#1775087 - 05/29/09 10:57 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: mdoodles]
PositivelyMommy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/13/08
Posts: 714
You are still in shock. Don't be too hard for yourself. You believed him when he said he would stay and make it work and with the store as well.

So he wants to be chased? Does he deserved to be chased? Is he worth fighting for?
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
S:9
D:7
First Bomb ONS:June 07
Second Bomb OW: March 08
Separated: March 08
M:15 yrs
T:18 yrs
H deep into A with OW
Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09

'Yes, I can.'

Top
#1775102 - 05/29/09 11:14 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: PositivelyMommy]
mdoodles Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/08
Posts: 1011
Loc: new york
anyone else would say he is not worth it. i want to agree. i am so used to fighting for him, i dont know how to stop.

well, i do know how, i guess i just dont want to.

i feel like going to the store now and handing him money. and i shouldnt.
_________________________
me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09

Top
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