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#1844835 - 09/25/09 12:39 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: Energizer Bunny]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
Well I don't know. I'm a little hesitant on giving her free rein on the household items but I really do not want to be there for it. It will SUCK when I come back home and be able to see the gaps of where stuff was. This is going to be a big transition period.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1845458 - 09/26/09 03:38 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
I went out last night and had a good times with friends and did not get home until 11am. She knew I wasn't coming home but I usually get a text or something...nothing. Not a big deal but it seems like she is detached!!!

Got home and she is getting boxes together as well as figuring other stuff out. Can't believe she is going to give it all up to live in an apt. She doesn't want the house, my retirement, she gave me 50/50 custody of the kids and we agreed on a child support #. She is going to be living in a 3 bd room apt, be divorced twice with 3 kids with 2 different dad - all at 30 years old.

Can someone tell me why I would take her back?
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1845692 - 09/27/09 09:42 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
Today is my B-day. She had something to do last night so I had the kids and we all had a good time. They always want to sleep with me so us 3 crawled into bed together. When the W got home she had to sleep in one of the kids beds. This morning she crawled into bed with me and wanted to snuggle up. This happened a couple of times as one of us would have to get up and help the kids do something.

One of those times she jokingly told me she hated me and was laughing.

I took the affection, but didn't show how bad I did want it and needed it. I can never guess what this woman is going to say or do next!!!
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1845694 - 09/27/09 09:52 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Originally Posted By: wanttobebetter
Today is my B-day. She had something to do last night so I had the kids and we all had a good time. They always want to sleep with me so us 3 crawled into bed together. When the W got home she had to sleep in one of the kids beds. This morning she crawled into bed with me and wanted to snuggle up. This happened a couple of times as one of us would have to get up and help the kids do something.

One of those times she jokingly told me she hated me and was laughing.

I took the affection, but didn't show how bad I did want it and needed it. I can never guess what this woman is going to say or do next!!!


Happy birthday! Hope you have a good one despite the mess.

Keep working on detaching. Was good you didn;t show how badly you needed her attention. Keep being strong. One suggestion - stop worrying about and concerning yourself with what she thinks She probably doesn't even know, so how are you supposed to figure it out?
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1845827 - 09/27/09 04:44 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: givingitmyall]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
I took my kids to my parent today and she sent me a text message saying happy bday and then it just said "sorry". I said sorry for what and she said because our family isn't together today. I wrote back that was her call and maybe this is for the best.

I think that is good detaching and I really meant it. Wish she would just being emotionally blind. I can see cracks in the armor...
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1845876 - 09/27/09 07:18 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Don't you wish you know what was going through her head? I am well aware that mind reading doesn't help, but it's so odd to me how they can love on you one minute and hate you the next.

I've read a little about 'approach-avoidance conflict'. It helped to understand it some.
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1846088 - 09/28/09 09:48 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: Energizer Bunny]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
Thank you everyone for the Bday wishes.

Last night we went out as a family to dinner. My sister was supposed to have a b-day get together for me but she was really sick today. When my W found out I didn't end up having a cake she went and bought one for me to have last night. We all ate together and had a good night.

I had bought pumpkins and some Halloween decorations for the kids and put that up when I got home. It looks really good and I know the W sees that. We slept in the same bed last night. I had washed the sheets and everything that morning.

Being honest....I'm trying to show her what all she is going to be missing...our nice big, clean bed, having a house to put decorations out in (can't do that at her apt) and how much fan I was having getting it all set up with the kids. She didn't say a whole lot last night but that is when she is busy thinking. She is supposed to get her apt key on Wednesday. Part of me will hurt if and when she picks that up but I will hold it together and hope for the best long term.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1846092 - 09/28/09 09:55 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
That's good that she's thinking about what she's doing. It means she's not running purely on fogged up emotion.

She slept in your bed and bought you a B'day cake. All good signs.

If I were you (and sometimes it seems like I am) I would be prepared to see her go. Even with all of the good signs she may need to move out and lose what she has before she can really see what she had to lose.

You've done a good job of providing her with a life full of things that are worth missing. She just needs to get to a point where she can see that.

Prepare yourself for her to go. If she decides not to, it's a bonus. It seems like she's too committed to it to back out at this point. If for nothing else, she'd probably do it on principle alone.

Look at it like going for now instead of going forever.
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1846099 - 09/28/09 10:01 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: Energizer Bunny]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
You are exactly right...she would do it on principle - I prefer to call it being hardheaded with her. She has always been like that.

I appreciate your comment - I have given her a million things that are worth missing. I've really made a lot of good, positive changes that I know she sees. They have been great for my mental health.

I am prepared to see her go. It will be tough but I am ready to face that. I think long term this is the only way for her to really see the outcome. If she decided to stay, it would be a bonus; however, she would not get to see that the grass over there is actually brown.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

Top
#1846109 - 09/28/09 10:16 AM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
Originally Posted By: wanttobebetter
If she decided to stay, it would be a bonus; however, she would not get to see that the grass over there is actually brown.


This is freaking great!

Both my W and your are going to have to go check this out for themselves before they can see it.

Have you seen Tristan's thread? His W came back and said something to the effect of "I thought once I got our I thought I would blossom like a butterfly," but just ended up mising her family instead.

I'm not saying that my W or yours is guaranteed to come back, but I think that they are both stubborn enough to feel the need to check out the grass "over there" before they believe that it's not greener.

Too bad it's going to bankrupt me in the process.
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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