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#1846896 - 09/29/09 01:10 PM Re: Part f*cking deux... [Re: Lotus]
Kettricken Offline
Member

Registered: 07/24/07
Posts: 884
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Let it ride, sweetie. You have had some actual human-sounding conversations with him, not just spew, and this is a LOT to process. No plan, no decisions for at least 48 hours. Digest.
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#1846905 - 09/29/09 01:17 PM Re: Part f*cking deux... [Re: Lotus]
Thinker Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/08
Posts: 1632
Originally Posted By: Lotus
A&K,

I think the most important message to send to the WAS in the things that you do and say is: "I will have a happy life with you or without you. You are not essential to my happiness." It leaves the door unblocked to reconciliation, but it also is a green light for you to move forward without him.


I think there is one more part to this message: tough love.

"I don't know if we will ever be a couple again, but if you even want to think about trying again you have to break off ALL contact with OW first"

---

You're doing great!


Edited by Thinker (09/29/09 01:19 PM)
_________________________
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment

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#1846927 - 09/29/09 01:57 PM Re: Part f*cking deux... [Re: tristan]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Originally Posted By: tristan
Is there any remorse from him? Is he going to continue the A?


Remorse, yes..."I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I'm an a**hole. I'm so flawed. I'm sorry you were right. Don't cry. It kills me to see you cry. Are you okay? I care about you..."

Will he continue the affair? He didn't say he wouldn't and I certainly didn't ask him not to. He said many times, "it could be over tomorrow"...and he looked confused. He's in it for sure but I think she's got him by the b*lls. He also was desperate for me to tell him what I've done which I couldn't tell was him wanting to make himself feel better or really have it out.

Also, he does NOT consider this an affair.


Edited by aliveandkicking (09/29/09 02:06 PM)
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#1846930 - 09/29/09 01:58 PM Re: Part f*cking deux... [Re: Dia]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Originally Posted By: Dia
AK - re: your H's mommy issues.

I know an *amazing* IC in the CA desert. She does MC as well, but she says she's better as an IC and she often refers people out to do MC with a diff. C.

I you live in the LA area, this is a drive, but the desert has its own 'hollywood allure' so maybe it would appeal?

Want the referral?



Sure, I'll take the referral (FB), but I have been so mightily disappointed by therapists that I'd have to get a little more info. Thanks.
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#1846937 - 09/29/09 02:01 PM Re: Part f*cking deux... [Re: Lotus]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Quote:
A&K,

I think the most important message to send to the WAS in the things that you do and say is: "I will have a happy life with you or without you. You are not essential to my happiness." It leaves the door unblocked to reconciliation, but it also is a green light for you to move forward without him.


Yes, that has been consistently conveyed. However, I will never ever be a good enough actress to pull off that my optimal isn't having my family together. Call me "scr*wed" because I also don't think I can consider reconciling with him either. sick
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#1846941 - 09/29/09 02:05 PM Re: Part f*cking deux... [Re: Thinker]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Quote:
I think there is one more part to this message: tough love.

"I don't know if we will ever be a couple again, but if you even want to think about trying again you have to break off ALL contact with OW first"

---

You're doing great!


Thanks Thinker but in my sitch, there is simply no ground for that ultimatum. I have the information. I have to choose what works for me. There is no marriage, there will be no transparency. He lives elsewhere and I don't trust him and I don't even want to be in the role of enforcing.

The only ultimatum I will consider is that he come to MC with me or we do not communicate beyond kids/money/logistics...I am thinking about it.

I don't even know if he is capable of monogamy and really it isn't even my first concern. His pathology is the biggest issue right now.
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#1846943 - 09/29/09 02:06 PM Re: Part f*cking deux... [Re: Kettricken]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Quote:
Let it ride, sweetie. You have had some actual human-sounding conversations with him, not just spew, and this is a LOT to process. No plan, no decisions for at least 48 hours. Digest.


Yes, he just called again and I didn't answer. Must digest.
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#1846966 - 09/29/09 02:23 PM Re: Part f*cking deux... [Re: aliveandkicking]
Thinker Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/08
Posts: 1632
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
Quote:
I think there is one more part to this message: tough love.

"I don't know if we will ever be a couple again, but if you even want to think about trying again you have to break off ALL contact with OW first"

---

You're doing great!


Thanks Thinker but in my sitch, there is simply no ground for that ultimatum. I have the information. I have to choose what works for me. There is no marriage, there will be no transparency. He lives elsewhere and I don't trust him and I don't even want to be in the role of enforcing.

The only ultimatum I will consider is that he come to MC with me or we do not communicate beyond kids/money/logistics...I am thinking about it.

I don't even know if he is capable of monogamy and really it isn't even my first concern. His pathology is the biggest issue right now.



...but...

He is making moves toward reconciliation. At least is is trying to get closer to you - asking you out, etc.

So I don't mean enforcement, or transparency, etc. I am picturing something more like:

H: There's a great show here, do you want to go? (or "can I come over" or "do you want to go to this party" or. )

A&K: Are you still seeing OW?

H: Uhhh, Yes.

A&K: Then, No.

---

It's more of a way of saying "I am fine and happy and moving on without you. I'm not going to compete with her in any way. If you want to court me, then end it with her first"

It's the only way you can be clear whether he is playing you and keeping his options open, or whether he is sincere when he makes moves toward you. It's the only way that you can be sure he faces his own issues and mistakes.

If I am hearing you correctly, the only way you would consider reconciling is if he is sincere, faces his issues, and corrects his mistakes.
_________________________
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment

Top
#1846980 - 09/29/09 02:47 PM Re: Part f*cking deux... [Re: Thinker]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Just digesting...I hear ya Thinker.
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#1847006 - 09/29/09 03:30 PM Re: Part f*cking deux... [Re: aliveandkicking]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
He texted and wants to know if I can talk...
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