The sequel included...H brought the kids home tonight (usually I drop them off and get them from him)...he offered to help get them to sleep which they loved. S7 grilled H out of no where about why he and I don't act married or spend time together and on and on (...such timing), I left the room. Once settled in bed I came in and H was laying next to S7 who asked me to lay down next to him on his other side and then wanted a "triple kiss" (the three of us) which we did not oblige...somebody had an agenda.
After the kids went to sleep H and I had another Twilight Zone conversation. I got confirmation that the woman I had guessed was GF earlier today is right on the money. I did cry, not because he has a GF but because of the flashback of me asking him to please not go out with her back then and his unwillingness to give up what he saw as an opportunity (she's related to a famous person) led to this, plus all of the months of mind-f*cking. He said he didn't feel anything for her then (pre-bomb). I said he doesn't know he feels something till his pants are down.
He finally apologized. I asked what he was apologizing for and he said for me being "right." He said he has no idea where that R will end up (sounds ultra complicated). He held me when I cried. I thought I was going to throw up a couple of times. But, we laughed too. He wanted to know what I've done and I refused to discuss my personal life in detail. I did tell him I'm thrilled that I don't have a boyfriend but that I've dated and like getting attention but that I would not want to have to deal with more drama...and that I feel sorry for him seeing him struggle with all of this. He was sort of tickling my legs and telling me how great I look. Then there were things that we addressed from the list of WAS made up memories and he admitted that he has operated from that list and knows it is BS and he apologized again. He spoke of his own narcissism (not a classic narcissistic thing to do)...
I have no clue what is happening. He talked about wanting to leave this town, not for Europe but elsewhere. He admitted he's screwed up. He wishes he believed in therapy (we went through years of it before with no significant catharsis). He spoke of these people he has a sort of surrogate family (the rich ones)...I told him that I hope our kids wont grow up and seek a surrogate family because they don't have their own. We talked about his profound mommy issues and how so much of his bitterness and rage toward me is about her.
When he left, he hugged me and kissed my cheek and then my forehead and then told me that I'm sweet and he likes me.
And then he texted me, "thank you."
There was so much more and I wish I had recorded it. I don't know if it matters. As my best friend just told me, he's a mess and he is not someone I can rely on. But, I do feel for him. Just as a human being, I see how lost he is and I feel for him. What next? I dunno.
I feel sick this morning. I hope some of you can check in here for the next couple of days. I "understand" him but I am torn as to whether to give an ultimatum, be cool, or just cut him off completely. I don't want to punish him for his honesty but for this to be my "marriage"...well, it disgusts me.
Thanks for any support. I am at a new juncture and needing a new plan. I am deeply saddened but not in a sad mood. I know I will have a great day anyway.
I would be curious to know how the OW came up/out? Missing some context there. Was it a neanderthal attempt at making you jealous brought up by him? Was it something you teased out in the midst of his confusion and weakness?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
There have been references over the months but not specifics and I could never tell if he was f*cking with me (he was in a way)...
But yesterday he was stressed out because supposedly someone came up to him while he was with the kids and asked him about his "girlfriend." That really go to him and he wanted to make sure I would tell him if the kids said anything. It was the catalyst for bringing it out. But, really, he outed himself.
FYI- He's on the ropes with this woman. She's an eccentric artist with an "ex" boyfriend who is still in the picture...
There are plenty of strategies I could employ here. He's testing the waters. But, I'm just digesting all of this. I mean I captured an iota of our convo here, but in total it was 5 or 6 hours...I'm just sort of numb, for now.
IMHO you're already on the right path. Buckle down and focus forward. Don't enable him to stay in limbo. DBing is working. Focus on you. Get out of the trenches, details and valleys. Climb to the top of the hill and sing. Let him look up and see you there.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I know an *amazing* IC in the CA desert. She does MC as well, but she says she's better as an IC and she often refers people out to do MC with a diff. C.
I you live in the LA area, this is a drive, but the desert has its own 'hollywood allure' so maybe it would appeal?
Want the referral?
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I think the most important message to send to the WAS in the things that you do and say is: "I will have a happy life with you or without you. You are not essential to my happiness." It leaves the door unblocked to reconciliation, but it also is a green light for you to move forward without him.
