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Hi AAK.

Do you think you've detatched completely? You said the marriage was dead but the connection is still there. Can't the connection still be there even if one has detatched completely. Doesn't detatchment mean that you completely realiize thay you have NO CONTROL over the other persons thoughts, feelings, and actions...and that you accept that? Have you done that?

I feel for ya'. I really do. You get thrown up and down and left and right and back and forth in this thing! I wonder, if you are completely detatched, and if you're not...maybe it would help if you were.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Honestly, I've gotten close. But, my kids are suffering and I have that tiny soft spot and he feels that door closing and comes barging through any way he can.

I have detached enough to feel totally ambivalent. Meaning, logistically, I realize that I may very well be better off without him, I am attached enough to the progress (however elusive it may seem) I am making on my own and I am not holding on to any conscious hope that we will reconcile.

The information about the GF pummeled me (and I met this date guy just an hour and a half after wiping tears from my eyes and breaking down)...I understand objectively what is happening but sometimes it just feels like the most surreal and unnerving experience and it is my life.

So, I take it as it comes. I am going to be in IC and starting a class soon that I am excited about. I am trying.



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Originally Posted By: antlers

Do you think you've detatched completely? You said the marriage was dead but the connection is still there. Can't the connection still be there even if one has detatched completely. Doesn't detatchment mean that you completely realiize thay you have NO CONTROL over the other persons thoughts, feelings, and actions...and that you accept that? Have you done that?

I feel for ya'. I really do. You get thrown up and down and left and right and back and forth in this thing! I wonder, if you are completely detatched, and if you're not...maybe it would help if you were.



You're doin' OK A&K. It's really hard.

I think detachment is an ideal that with lots of work and lots of time you can approach, but I don't think one ever really gets there. I think some people confuse detaching with distancing. It is easier to distance oneself - you cut off contact, don't see the person regularly, and soon you stop really thinking about them.

I think detaching, on the other hand, is when you can still be with them - be around them and see them regularly, care about them, and STILL be objective and not let them influence you. THAT is REALLY hard to do.

And unfortunately, since your H is still a big part of your life and is still forcing himself in THAT is what you are stuck doing.

Believe me, you are not crazy or weak or not trying hard enough. It IS really hard.

Take care of yourself. I can see huge changes from where you were a couple of months ago. You ARE doing it.

Thinker

Last edited by Thinker; 10/07/09 12:45 AM.

Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
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Hugs A&K.

I'll spill what I'm thinking and feeling on detachment. Maybe you can relate to some of it.


Detachment is not a one-time thing but a process that happens in stages. It's like the lines at DisneyLand; as soon as you think you're done you turn the corner and bam...another long wait. There's another process to work thru.

This post-sep/div-coparent stage is not easy. With kids there is no clean break. There is no true divorce. O'dog guesses this stage of detachment will take the longest and will never be 100%.

O'dog doesn't want to care about the She but has interactions, conversations, comments, complaints, and complements and it's hard to blow them off. It's hard not to feel something (sadness, anger, etc.) no matter how hard one tries. We build those walls thick and high but there's always a window that we cannot close.

O'dog will mind-read a little and propose the She is probably thinking and feeling something similar. "I went to all this trouble and I still can't get rid of him. I hate talking about money, coats for the kids, or who's turn it is to pay the dentist. But what can I do? I've already divorced him."

Sometimes the O'dog wishes he could just move outta' here and not have to deal with the sitch and the She. Besides, it harsh in the winter and not great for the O'dog mood. But what's a dog to do? Leave the pups behind?

So while many prop up the O'dog with comments like "It's a whole new life. You can do whatever you want", they fail to see the strings (ropes, chains) attached. It's not freedom. It's parole.

Don't know anyway around it. Just have to go thru it. Just keep working on myself and not get distracted by the She Sideshow.


"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
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Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
Honestly, I've gotten close. But, my kids are suffering and I have that tiny soft spot and he feels that door closing and comes barging through any way he can.

I have detached enough to feel totally ambivalent. Meaning, logistically, I realize that I may very well be better off without him, I am attached enough to the progress (however elusive it may seem) I am making on my own and I am not holding on to any conscious hope that we will reconcile.

The information about the GF pummeled me (and I met this date guy just an hour and a half after wiping tears from my eyes and breaking down)...I understand objectively what is happening but sometimes it just feels like the most surreal and unnerving experience and it is my life.

So, I take it as it comes. I am going to be in IC and starting a class soon that I am excited about. I am trying.



Damn. If I had any tears left, your post would cause me to give up some more.
I think you're doing good AAK, especially under these crazy circumstances.


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You're welcome to tell O'dog to shove it if you wish but be careful you don't rebound. When you're wiping the tears from your eyes then going out with someone an hour and a half later then you could be setting yourself up. You know yourself best Ok.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just too dog-tired to date right now.


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Quote:
When you're wiping the tears from your eyes then going out with someone an hour and a half later then you could be setting yourself up.


Ya, that's what I did. It is called self inflicted rubbing of salt in wounds. I don't recommend it.

But, hey, going out that night was big and I was ripe for some uber-talented shmuck to charm the pants off of me (ha, at least I kept my pants on!!!!!)...

He was sweeeeet talkin' and I'm really too good for him (given the juvenile lifestyle, pot-smoking etc), but, he got the upper hand the second he saw me blush.

Anyway, water under the bridge.



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Originally Posted By: orangedog
Hugs A&K.

I'll spill what I'm thinking and feeling on detachment. Maybe you can relate to some of it.


Detachment is not a one-time thing but a process that happens in stages. It's like the lines at DisneyLand; as soon as you think you're done you turn the corner and bam...another long wait. There's another process to work thru.

This post-sep/div-coparent stage is not easy. With kids there is no clean break. There is no true divorce. O'dog guesses this stage of detachment will take the longest and will never be 100%.

O'dog doesn't want to care about the She but has interactions, conversations, comments, complaints, and complements and it's hard to blow them off. It's hard not to feel something (sadness, anger, etc.) no matter how hard one tries. We build those walls thick and high but there's always a window that we cannot close.

O'dog will mind-read a little and propose the She is probably thinking and feeling something similar. "I went to all this trouble and I still can't get rid of him. I hate talking about money, coats for the kids, or who's turn it is to pay the dentist. But what can I do? I've already divorced him."

Sometimes the O'dog wishes he could just move outta' here and not have to deal with the sitch and the She. Besides, it harsh in the winter and not great for the O'dog mood. But what's a dog to do? Leave the pups behind?

So while many prop up the O'dog with comments like "It's a whole new life. You can do whatever you want", they fail to see the strings (ropes, chains) attached. It's not freedom. It's parole.

Don't know anyway around it. Just have to go thru it. Just keep working on myself and not get distracted by the She Sideshow.


You are very insightful my man!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Originally Posted By: orangedog
Hugs A&K.

I'll spill what I'm thinking and feeling on detachment. Maybe you can relate to some of it.


Detachment is not a one-time thing but a process that happens in stages. It's like the lines at DisneyLand; as soon as you think you're done you turn the corner and bam...another long wait. There's another process to work thru.

This post-sep/div-coparent stage is not easy. With kids there is no clean break. There is no true divorce. O'dog guesses this stage of detachment will take the longest and will never be 100%.

O'dog doesn't want to care about the She but has interactions, conversations, comments, complaints, and complements and it's hard to blow them off. It's hard not to feel something (sadness, anger, etc.) no matter how hard one tries. We build those walls thick and high but there's always a window that we cannot close.

O'dog will mind-read a little and propose the She is probably thinking and feeling something similar. "I went to all this trouble and I still can't get rid of him. I hate talking about money, coats for the kids, or who's turn it is to pay the dentist. But what can I do? I've already divorced him."

Sometimes the O'dog wishes he could just move outta' here and not have to deal with the sitch and the She. Besides, it harsh in the winter and not great for the O'dog mood. But what's a dog to do? Leave the pups behind?

So while many prop up the O'dog with comments like "It's a whole new life. You can do whatever you want", they fail to see the strings (ropes, chains) attached. It's not freedom. It's parole.

Don't know anyway around it. Just have to go thru it. Just keep working on myself and not get distracted by the She Sideshow.



Where and when was that posted?

It's frankly not very inspiring. Honest and yes I relate but parole? No can do. Can't push through this much pain for parole. I have to think there is something better.



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Oopsy, I missed quite a bit there, have to go back.



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