Dreams of a New Normal...

[aliveandkicking]

But I also feel that within our marriage, I really hurt him. I know it sounds ridiculous and the past is the past but IF we were going to look at each other through a "new lens" as I asked him to do with me...I don't know what would have to happen for me to do so.

You say you've read a lot about NPD. Seriously...you can't hurt his feelings. He doesn't have any. You can injure his all consuming ego, but that's not the same thing.

If you really have researched NPD...then I know you've read that it's hard-wired NOT to change.

Yes, Breakaway, I have read a lot but I am not a diagnostician and I have found much more happiness and far less fear seeing H as a person and not a "narcissist"...I noticed that the more fearful I got and the more I treated him as some scary monster, the more he fit that bill.

I let what I've read keep me alert but I don't assume I know what is really going on in his head.

[RedSoxFan]

But, the goal...I don't have one anymore other than handling my life with sanity and civility and setting small goals that I can meet.

Where H fits in this, I'm not sure. But, I know I do not feel good this morning, so that's a clue.

I responded to the text but not the email invitation.

I'm kind of on the other side of the fence from you AAK. Kind of where your husband is. My hope/wish for W would be that she either decides that she's 100% finished with me or that she decides what criteria might allow her to consider having me back and be diligent about allowing things to evolve and unfold in a way that is safe and fair for everyone.

I get that this is idealistic and unreasonable for me to expect this but that's what I would wish for. Just seems to me that if either or both parties can have a plan it would increase the likelihood of a better outcome.

[aliveandkicking]

The answer is simple. Don't respond. Period. Text him tomorrow and say, "I didn't have my phone on. Talk to you later." Then turn the phone off.

Hey Stuck. You are getting better at this....


Just a fine tune here on what you advised...

Don't respond. Period.


Do what works.

Gucci!!! Thanks for coming by. Is it working? If he is pursuing and it stresses me out so? I find it hard to focus and move on like this.

I have detached to the point that I really doubt I could ever be with him again. I feel that what I'm doing is intriguing to him.

BUT, when I am rude (not responding to an invitation etc), I think it becomes more about him (little boy) trying to make sure I (mommy) isn't mad at him. And, I'm not mad, I just want to live my life.

And of course my inner Cinderella wants it to magically all work out but...I just don't see how that is possible.

Isn't responding just a matter of civility?

Go ahead and set me straight here. I need it. I'm feeling really down now.

I was just telling my friend that as sad as it is, I am happier now than I was with H and low and behold...he rides up on his donkey (or maybe he is the donkey)...

[aliveandkicking]

But, the goal...I don't have one anymore other than handling my life with sanity and civility and setting small goals that I can meet.

Where H fits in this, I'm not sure. But, I know I do not feel good this morning, so that's a clue.

I responded to the text but not the email invitation.

I'm kind of on the other side of the fence from you AAK. Kind of where your husband is. My hope/wish for W would be that she either decides that she's 100% finished with me or that she decides what criteria might allow her to consider having me back and be diligent about allowing things to evolve and unfold in a way that is safe and fair for everyone.

I get that this is idealistic and unreasonable for me to expect this but that's what I would wish for. Just seems to me that if either or both parties can have a plan it would increase the likelihood of a better outcome.

Absolutely, but I had a plan and it failed and I was miserable. I have a very clear understanding of what happened with us. He knows my expectation for a marriage with him would require us to do specific things with me...

I have not gotten ONE word that indicates he wants or is ready to get back together.

All I have is that when I pull away, he comes toward me...that's it.

If he said he wanted to get back together, that might be different.

If he came to me with a plan...that would be hot hot hot.

If he wants to date me, he can treat me like a lady...the invitation was a start.

So, to be clear, you are where my H MAY be eventually, but he has no where near the level of contrition, clarity or understanding that you do.

[RedSoxFan]

If he came to me with a plan...that would be hot hot hot.

If he wants to date me, he can treat me like a lady...the invitation was a start.

To me, it seems like he's need a plan in order to truly treat you like a lady. He needs to 'Get It' first. Isn't that when he'll be able to really treat you like a lady? Does it make sense to date before he gets it? I don't know the answer for sure but my gut tells me no.

[aliveandkicking]

The answer is no. Sad as it is...

Oh, and I don't think he is capable of getting it...but we shall see.

[MrBond]

There's the rub with detaching. We (the LBS) get to the point where we detach so much that we find ourselves wondering if we really want this damaged person in our lives. I'm in the same conflict.

In your case, you're not going to get your H to learn to become H of the Year overnight. First he has to show that he wants to be with you and that he'll respect you. Then the work comes after.

I think a part of you still wants to try just for the sake of saying you've tried everything. Maybe approach the sitch with a casual interest. He has to do the work to get you back.

Just keep ignoring him and take care of business. In your sitch, going out and being unreachable would work.

See gucci? I never said your "method" doesn't work. I think it works for certain sitches like AAK's here. Then it becomes a matter if she really wants it or not.

[RedSoxFan]

The answer is no. Sad as it is...

Oh, and I don't think he is capable of getting it...but we shall see.

But maybe it isn't sad. I didn't get it for almost 20 years. OK, that's a little exaggerated but not much. You didn't know me then and don't really know me now but if you did you'd probably be perplexed at the change. I know I am. It's amazing what a little time, a few events, and a couple hard blows can do to a person. Stand firm but don't give up hope. If I'm lucky my W will do the same.

[aliveandkicking]

Right but ignoring really triggers him and not in the way I want to. But, I get it and so far I've ignored the email. I ignore any that are not kid/finance related.

[MrBond]

Well that's the thing. You're not "ignoring him" you're just not "encouraging him".

We've been through this DB stuff and reading so many things that the LBS undergoes a period of R growth very quickly. So naturally, we expect our S to react just as quickly. It doesn't work like that especially if they don't want to.

If you still want to take the chance on your M, you'll have to take things one step at a time. Sure you've moved on, so you don't have anything to lose personally.

Encourage the behavior you want and discourage the things you don't. The ball is in your court now.

But since he's been bugging you from Day 1, don't encourage his idea of thinking that you're a "fallback plan" that will always be there.

Then if he REALLY wants to be with you and will change to do so, then he's going to have to prove it to you. Then it'll be up to you if whether or not you really accept it.