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#1837287 09/14/09 03:22 PM
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Ok - been reading for awhile and just read DB and DR this weekend.

Me 33, she is 30. 3 kids - the oldest is my stepchild (9), and then we have two (S is 3, D is 5). This is my first marriage, her second.

We married in 2003 and about a year later we had our D. Since that time she quit work and stayed home. I thought we had a great life and marriage. I could tell last year she she was getting antsy. She found a job in banking (what she did before) and starting working again in Aug 2008. We did not need the money it was pretty much for her. She had finished college while at home with the kids.

Since going back to work, we have experienced major changes, starting primarily this spring. She has become very involved in work taking up a lot of any free time we would have and I have felt almost like a single Dad on many occasions. A lot of social activity, going to bars - just a totally different person than before. This caused a lot of friction and fights because my wife is changing dramatically in front of me and I can't understand why. I am a much more communicative and emotional person than my wife and she can't stand this about me. I do admit I was pursuing her and trying to make sense of everything going on. Her Mom and sister even contacted me because they became concerned. Her first marriage ended when she was having an affair when the stepchild at the time was one.

Approximately one month ago, I got the IMILWYBNILWY speech, she is independent, I'm going to do what I want to do, we never do anything fun, I'm 30 and have not accomplished anything, she wants to grow in her career, etc. Classic signs to me of a MLC at 30. Oh, and she got botox a few weeks ago.

She has lied to me on a few occasions about who she has been hanging out with. I honestly do not know this person I am living with.

I consulted with a divorce attorney purely for protection and advice. A couple of weeks ago (we are still living together, even sleeping in the same bad - no contact though)we even discussed how we would separate stuff if we went uncontested. I really felt as if she was wanting me to file as I think, in her mind, this would make it easier for her.

I told her a few days later divorce is not what I want and she would have to file on me.

Since then I have been employing some 180 techniques and going about living my life. I have got the usual "I can see you making some changes but I take it as an act". I do feel a lot better about myself as I have had some dark days.

I took my ring off a few days ago to make a statement that I am living my life and everything does not revolve around her. All of these techniques have produced some + responses as she has had a lot more questions about what I am doing. She even asked me about talking to a Dr. to help her get some stuff straight in her head. Now she has taken her ring off and that is really bothering me...inside. I haven't made notice of it or said anything.


Am I going in the right direction? How much patience do I need? I really do love her but I am scared!!! We have been a vicious circle for months now and I want a better marriage. She has told me I don't know how we could ever get back to where we were but my reply was that we don't. We need to go forward.

Help!!


M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

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Sorry you find yourself here, but this is a great place for help.

Quote:
Am I going in the right direction? How much patience do I need? I really do love her but I am scared!!! We have been a vicious circle for months now and I want a better marriage. She has told me I don't know how we could ever get back to where we were but my reply was that we don't. We need to go forward.


You will need LOTS of patience. Then you'll need some more. This is a long journey.

Why did you take off your ring? Some may have different opinions on that issue, but I would put it back on.

Here is a list of tips I found early on (they are from another poster, but they really helped me):

1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.


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Great advice.....I have been doing all of the above and have noticed some positive changes coming from her. I really do feel better about myself. I hope it all works out but if it does not, I know I will be ok. I used to do alot of nagging and always wanted to talk, talk, talk....not anymore.


M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

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Well she called while I was out of town (1 night for work) and said if we didn't use my attorney and do it uncontested she would get her own and it would cost us alot more. I did slip some and asked her to really consider her decision. I feel like she is throwing everything away and for what? She has no plan for the future for herself. I told her she needed to get moved out then and she said she would when she knew her income (child support). What do I do tonight? Just agree????


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Quote:
Well she called while I was out of town (1 night for work) and said if we didn't use my attorney and do it uncontested she would get her own and it would cost us alot more. I did slip some and asked her to really consider her decision. I feel like she is throwing everything away and for what? She has no plan for the future for herself. I told her she needed to get moved out then and she said she would when she knew her income (child support). What do I do tonight? Just agree????


Meet with her to talk about it. Let HER do the talking. Then, tell her you need some time to think about it. Go talk to your L about it so you will have an idea of what you are looking at if you have her get her own L.

You don't have to make any decisions tonight.


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She is going to see it as me putting off the inevitable. If it has to come to this I would rather do it uncontested. I just wish she would wake up and see herself in the mirror.


M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

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Had a talk this morning. She basically she admits she is selfish and feels as if she would rather be alone and is never getting married again. She admits she can push her feelings and emotions away and not deal with them.

She is pretty much letting me have whatever I want in the divorce which is good....not making it about money. But I really want my wife back and to have the family I always thought I would have.


M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

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Originally Posted By: wanttobebetter
Had a talk this morning. She basically she admits she is selfish and feels as if she would rather be alone and is never getting married again. She admits she can push her feelings and emotions away and not deal with them.

She is pretty much letting me have whatever I want in the divorce which is good....not making it about money. But I really want my wife back and to have the family I always thought I would have.


Wow. That sounds exactly like my H. He said he thinks he would be happier alone and for the last few years, when he thinks of the future, he pictures himself alone. He has no vision of a future for us. He also said he wanted me and our D to stay in the house and he'd leave us almost everything.

All this was over 3 months ago and he's still there in the house with us with no apparent plan to move. We're still sleeping in the same bed and have even been intimate. So, employ the DB techniques and maybe things will look up for you too.


2009 info:
Me: 35
H: 37
M: 16/T: 18
D: 15
EA: 5-11-09 to 8-09

My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1832210#Post1832210
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Quote:
She is going to see it as me putting off the inevitable. If it has to come to this I would rather do it uncontested. I just wish she would wake up and see herself in the mirror.


Let that go. It isn't going to happen any time soon. She's in the fog.

Quote:
She basically she admits she is selfish and feels as if she would rather be alone and is never getting married again.


I heard nearly identical comments from my W. My W was certain her feelings would not change - "I am resolute in my decision." She's still here and that was almost 5 months ago. And, we are slowly becoming friends again.

This is a long term process. If you aren't up for it, so be it. If you want to save your M, get ready for a long haul. Oh, and it won't be easy. But, when has anything worthwhile been easy?

Drag your feet for now. So what if she sees you as putting off the inevitable. So what. What do you have to lose? Look at yourself, make changes you need to make, then live them in front of her. Work on detaching as well.


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I have made some great changes. And she recognizes that...she will even say it. Of course she has said they are probably just an act. I did it for me..and I can tell I did it for me.

I am up for it....I really feel like my wife is somewhere inside this crazy creature. She is definitely wanting her freedom and to explore anything and everything. I think she sees a marriage as holding her back. She has said she is not marriage material.


M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
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