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#1844661 - 09/25/09 07:21 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: Butterfly1]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
May be a good time to just walk away? You know I'm married to the man with the foulest temper and mouth to match - and what I'm learning is that even THEY don't know what they are saying when they are exploding with anger. Of course it wont be rational. It's all anger driven.

You're doing well staying centered, Zen Master! Way to be like water.


Thanks Hope. You know, you make a good point here. So many of us really don't know what we are always saying (or doing for that matter) to others, especially the ones we love. We get so caught up in the rest of what life throws at us on a daily basis and we just don't always pay attention to the small stuff- the details. It's kind of sad. Looking back, I certainly wish I had been able to establish better communication with my W so I could have been better aware of at least what I was doing wrong in our MR. I wish my W would give me a second chance, but apparently I'm not worthy enough (at least not yet), especially with Mr. Amazing (OM) waiting in the wings. But, that is in the past for now. I just need to stay on point as planned.... and be like water, of course.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

Top
#1845321 - 09/26/09 02:35 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
Jman Offline
Member

Registered: 05/09/09
Posts: 216
Loc: FL
BJ,

It is good to hear that you are doing well maintaining your sit. We are all going into unfamiliar territory with our spouses and it is good that we all can come to a place like this to help each other.

Don't beat yourself up about the communication with your wife. I tried to get my wife to communicate with me prior to all of this mess and it was never a priority with her to attempt to better the R. It takes 2 to make a R work and if both parties don't make it a priority then you can't fault just one. I know we all would like to go back just a short time to fix the wrongs but we can't and we all know that we can only learn from it and move on and hope for the best.
_________________________
M:35
W:36
M:10 yrs
T:11.5 yrs
C: B7, G3
ED: 3/09
DB: 3/20/09
Served 12-8-09
Still going through the process

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#1845617 - 09/27/09 04:27 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: Jman]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Jman,

Reading your post, you are sounding a lot better, much more grounded. Either that or you must be having a good day... or both! I hope things are going better in your sitch as well. You are right about the forums here, they are a godsend as are the many good people here who offer insight, feedback and encouragement to all of us. Despite our sitchs being some of the darkest hours of our lives, it is encouraging to know that there is still much good in this world.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

Top
#1846410 - 09/28/09 10:21 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
Jman Offline
Member

Registered: 05/09/09
Posts: 216
Loc: FL
Hey BJ,
I am more grounded now and it is due to many things mostly the detachment and I just finished reading Love must be Tough...Man that book hits the nail right on the head...I wish I would have had that book back in March bc I think my sit would have been different now but I am still going to use the principles of that book..It is amazing and I highly recommend everyone that has similar issues with infidelity of their spouse to read it It is worth its weight in Gold by far....

My sit has not changed to much..I have keeping myself very busy between working extra hours and going out with Buddies...with all the while she is staying home with the kids...I am definitely seeing things more clearly now and noticing all the details and can only hope things change but I have to do what is best for me and the kids so we shall see...No more doormat for me...

Until next time
_________________________
M:35
W:36
M:10 yrs
T:11.5 yrs
C: B7, G3
ED: 3/09
DB: 3/20/09
Served 12-8-09
Still going through the process

Top
#1846440 - 09/28/09 11:20 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11088
Hi BJ, just wanted to stick my head in and let you know that I've not forgotten about you. How are you holding up?
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
#1846465 - 09/29/09 12:22 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: Jman]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Jman,

Glad to hear you are doing well. I'm still working my way through "Love Must Be Tough" and I agree with you completely, I wish I had read it sooner. Definitely a good book. But as with everything else, I can't beat myself up over what I might have done differently, what is done is done. The fact of the matter is that I'm dealing with something that I've never dealt with before so with a lack of experience mistakes will be made. But that is how we learn in the first place- by making mistakes. Fortunately, a mistake I have not made is not taking the high road in my dealings with my W up to this point. Regardless of how she wants to interpret how I've responded to our sitch, I am glad that I haven't compromised my standards- and lowered myself to her present standards in the process.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

Top
#1846473 - 09/29/09 12:46 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: sandi2]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Hi BJ, just wanted to stick my head in and let you know that I've not forgotten about you. How are you holding up?


Hey Sandi! I'm doing well. I'm still dealing with the usual crap from my W but her attitude and behaviors are starting to have a diminished effect on me. Even when she called me a "narcissist" and questioned my manhood for wanting 50% custody of our kids following mediation last week- it pi$$ed me off, but only for a little while. It's just so ridiculous- and pathetic. I think she really just needs to go away right now- move out on her own- and find a very quiet place where she can think- or rather "feel"- her way through this big fat mess that she has perpetrated.

BTW, I see you found my new thread under Newcomers. I set that one up to draw some advice from Gucci & Co re: tough love. Its a good thread and seems to be helping other people. So I'm posting on both threads right now and keeping the redundancy to a minimum. BTW, I posed a question to you on that thread the other day, not sure if you had a chance yet to respond or not.

I know how busy you are, so thanks for checking in on me. Talk to you soon.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

Top
#1846771 - 09/29/09 02:56 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11088
Okay, I'll go check it out.

Glad you are holding up. You are a strong man, BJ. I admire how you have not fell into the trap a lot of men do when their WAW's put them through this stuff, and they get so...."trashy" with their behavior. It is hard not to repay her terrible ways with a dose of her own medicince......and I probably would! But, I'm glad you are the person your are Big John, and I really admire how you have maintained your dignity.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
#1846791 - 09/29/09 03:29 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: sandi2]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11088
Quote:
BTW, I posed a question to you on that thread the other day, not sure if you had a chance yet to respond or not.


Not sure what the question is. Couldn't find it. Would you mind repeating it? Thanks
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
#1847213 - 09/30/09 12:41 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: sandi2]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Sandi,

I had originally posted this under my other thread in Newcomers "Hey Gucci,(et al)":

Originally Posted By: BigJohn
Originally Posted By: sandi2
One thing I want to clear about the "nice guy". Seems like I've been talking about this on different threads lately, but being a nice guy is not what I'm referring to as the opposite of being a cad. In other words, so many LBH's say that they can't allow their WAW to suffer the consequenses of her actions b/c he is a "nice guy". So, she continues to walk all over him! She doesn't want a nice guy....she wants a man who will stand up to her and call her on her BS. She wants a man who will not put up with her acting like a b*tch. If a H puts up with her b/c he's a "nice guy"....then she will wipe her feet all over him and she will not respect him.


Sandi,

Your post above got me thinking that I should clarify what I said previously about the "nice guy" approach. Anyone following my sitch can see that I was probably a little too much of an "understanding" type of nice guy with my W for far too long before I put my boot down. What I'm largely doing now is being reserved, neutral, firm and polite to my W in the few interactions we are having at the moment. In other words, what I am NOT doing is being rude, hostile or demonstrating any kind of "attitude" towards my W. So from that standpoint- and given the history of what has transpired in my sitch- I still consider myself to some degree as being a "nice guy", but just one who isn't taking any $h*t from my W anymore.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

Top
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