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#1834680 - 09/09/09 12:55 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida

Quote:
She said, you have so many good qualities - I could have loved you forever, if not for the intimacy. I said, we've had sex regularly, etc., and she said that's not it. I said tell me, and she can't put it into words. Don't know, more passion, talking more, etc.


Personally I think this a bunch of crap. She's having an EA, and I wouldn't take this stuff seriously. More than half of what they spout is crap. And she's having at least an EA if she won't take him off her FB. If not more. She's admitted to dating the guy!

I can tell from what you say you talk with her more than any other guy I've ever met!!! And yeah, passion after a couple years has its ups and downs; that's the reality of a mature long-term relationship. When it's in a cooled-down phase; you should not be going out in search of EA or PA.

Retroville would be good if she would agree to it, but I think if she won't end it, which by her FB thing she won't, then she should either move out or buy you out as you suggested. Let her make that choice.

I do think you've been handling this like a rock. You sound super strong and confident when dealing with her; it took me a year or something to get to where you are. ((((((Bill))))))
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1834681 - 09/09/09 01:05 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
Coach Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 5299
Quote:
She said, you have so many good qualities - I could have loved you forever, if not for the intimacy. I said, we've had sex regularly, etc., and she said that's not it. I said tell me, and she can't put it into words. Don't know, more passion, talking more, etc. She also said, she knew it from the beginning. We connected on so many levels except for this - and then she said, but she's changing, I'm changing, etc.


intimacy = connection = passion

do some research on what intimacy means to a woman
_________________________
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

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#1834730 - 09/09/09 01:58 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: Coach]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Well, I cried a lot. By the time she got home, I was just sitting quitely / dozing in my little room here. She asked me if I wanted to watch TV.

She said that she's not sure how to be around me, one day I'm accusing her and angry, the next day I'm sitting next to her watching TV. She said that she freaked out at the though of moving out, can't envision a scenarion where we're not all living in the same house together. She said that the checking account thing shook her, that she felt that I didn't trust her, which blindsided her I guess. She was tearful but didn't fully cry.

She said there are so many reasons to stay but they're not the right reasons. (??)

So - this isn't good DBing guys, I know, you can whack me. I JUST DON"T KNOW how it broach this "intimacy" thing. I asked her if I could put my arm around her, she said no. So I took my feet again (i know guys), and rubbed them, then I stroked her hair for awhile. Both of these things she was relucant to accept, then she said "I should tell you how much I like this."

See, I KNOW she likes it. I don't want to pursue or challange her boundaries, but in terms of connecting with her - I need more tools.


She also said earlier in the evening that she's be open to counciling but we'd want different things out of it - she'd want closure, not reconciliation. I don't know how that works, going to C with different goals.

Maybe I will bring up Retroville.

OK have to get ready for work. I feel like my work life is falling apart at this point. At some point taking care of me needs to include taking care of my career. Didn't sleep well again. Dumb dog threw up in the bed, then woke up again later and didn't go back to sleep. I'm so ready to feel normal again.

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#1834731 - 09/09/09 01:59 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Thank you everyone for the responses. Research on intimacy, that's a good idea.

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#1834755 - 09/09/09 02:22 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida

Quote:
She said that she's not sure how to be around me, one day I'm accusing her and angry, the next day I'm sitting next to her watching TV.
She's having an EA or PA or both, filed for divorce, and you have the nerve to be angry sometimes??? Shame on you.


Quote:
She said that she freaked out at the though of moving out, can't envision a scenarion where we're not all living in the same house together.
That's reality when you get a divorce.




Quote:
She said that the checking account thing shook her, that she felt that I didn't trust her, which blindsided her I guess. She was tearful but didn't fully cry.


She's been on dates, having an EA and/or PA; filed for D, etc. She has done everything on earth to make you not trust her. If she wants trust, she should try earning it in someway. I hope you didn't comfort her over this. Geez.


Quote:
She said there are so many reasons to stay but they're not the right reasons. (??)
Yeah, kids, family, loyalty, marriage vows she took; all wrong reasons. Only in the mind of someone having an EA/PA imho.

Research intimacy??? I wouldn't waste your time when your W is having an A!!! It's time to let her face consequences & reality, which she clearly doesn't seem to have done. I throw my hands up over the stupid massages and rubbing her hair. Stop rewarding her!!!! She doesn't deserve it!!!! Instead of researching intimacy, you should focus on your kids instead, not on your adulterous wife!!! And then spend time with your music, friends, etc. Yeah, some on your job too.
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1834961 - 09/09/09 05:43 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
Esox Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 131
Bill,

It seems that your wife has some definite issues with what you think of her. She wants to destroy your family and yet wants you to still be her friend. The next time she spouts that I suggest you reply with the following: "I am your husband, not your friend. I don't have people that lie and cheat on me as friends. If we divorce I will never be your friend. We will just be two people co-parenting children."

I think you need to destroy her little fantasy where she divorces you, takes your kids, your house, your money, moves in a new man, and you are there to support her in her new life as he friend. YUCK!


Edited by Esox (09/09/09 05:47 PM)
_________________________
I'm a man . . .
But I can change . . .
If I have to . . .
I guess . . .

The Man's Prayer - Red Green

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#1834981 - 09/09/09 06:02 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: Esox]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Esox

I think you need to destroy her little fantasy where she divorces you, takes your kids, your house, your money, moves in a new man, and you are there to support her in her new life as he friend. YUCK!
Exactly!!! And the foot rubbing and the like is not going to do that. If she's having an A, which she is judging by the refusal to defriend the guy (feel like a teen typing that), but I think you need to pull way back. If you still are interested in having the marriage anyway. If you just want to divorce and be friends with her, then keep doing what you're doing....
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1834993 - 09/09/09 06:15 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
She is in a fantasy world right now. I heard many of the same things from my W:

-We will be friends and great parents
-We can do this civily, "like adults"
-The kids will be fine

I think you can convey a tough love image of I cannot stop you if you want a D, but I do not see us as friends in that process. I don't want that and I do not agree with your decision to D, but if that's what you need to be happy, I can't stop you, and I won't.

What she needs to hear is that you cannot stop her, but you will not assist in your own execution. She also needs to know this is HER decision, which she will have to own. She has not thought through all the logistics/consequences. Sometimes, when the WAS has to start dealing with the reality, that may bring them out of the fog.

And, no more pursuit. PERIOD. No foot rubs, touching, or doing solely for her. This is NOT helping you. It WILL drive her away.

Unfortunately, this is tough love time. In doing that, YOU are being the stronger one, and right now, you have to be.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1835054 - 09/09/09 07:06 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Yeah I know guys. I do. I messed up with this.

Met with my manager today, she wants to know how long I'm going to need with this. Wasn't a good conversation. Work pressure on the rise.

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#1835059 - 09/09/09 07:11 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Bill,

One of the things my C told me early on was to take control of the areas of my life over which I had control. One of those areas was my job. You have to take control of your work. The alternative is not pretty.

What I did initially (b/c I was a wreck for the first few weeks) was to make myself not think about the M issues. I gave myself seom time off from those problems and threw myself into my work. Get REALLY busy at the office. It will occupy your mind. You will have to make yourself do this at first.

As for the feet rubbing, cut yourself some slack. Just stop doing it. Recognize it for what it is...pursuit, plain and simple. I'm not slapping you around, I'm just trying to let you know I do not see this as helping you achieve your goal.

Eyes on the prize man. That means stopping the pursuit and working on you. Getting your work under control falls under "working on you." You have to have stability from some aspect of your life, and work is a great source for that.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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