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I understand your frustration with ex and with $$. I'm two mos. behind on mortgage right now, trying to sell house ex and I bought together,with 2 incomes. I've been holding on for about 9 mos. but as a contractor things fluctuate.

I know about having only a few $$ in your pocket for a week.

I wish I had answers or some encouragement. God bless you....


Me 47, W 32,D 6,
Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7
Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09

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He does. And may He bless you too!


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
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Posts: 2,452
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Well, here's another idea, if X is concerned about what the loaned funds will be used for: tell him to take some time out and take his D grocery shopping. Not only will it rest his concerns of where the money went, but give him some time iwth his child.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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If he did that he'd probably just be concerned that I'd also eat the food!!


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
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D13 and I had a long chat this weekend, which she started about midnight and which I ended about 3 am. She saw me reading yet another relationship book and made a comment. I asked her why she thought I read books like that, and she said "because you're trying to figure out what you did wrong. Mom, you didn't do anything wrong, don't you know that?" She's about done with her dad--she feels like "less than a speck. an atom. an electron" to him. Jackass. He's trying to force a relationship on her with OW's daughters; she might actually like them but she won't be forced. She feels manipulated and used, but not loved. And Frank and OW's relationship is exactly as I would have predicted (but I did not--ever--discuss that with D13--she figured it out herself). He is "putty in her hands," according to D; being manipulated but he doesn't see it. Clare thinks "she's gonna dump him so hard" because "all he's there for is to help her with (her year-old grandson) and cleaning out the horse stalls." She predicts that once the daughter gets a job or goes to school so that she's more available to take care of her own son and help with the horse chores, OW will have no further use for Frank. Frank is a priss; mowing the lawn was a huge ordeal for him. Never saw him with callouses or dirt under his nails; never--in 15 years--saw him work hard enough to break a sweat. And he was the driving force in our relationship (in retrospect, because I probably was trying to earn his love/approval)--strong personality, high needs (of all kinds). For him to be mucking out horse stalls and being p*ssy-whipped is amazing--but not surprising, because that's how their relationship was before. This is, after all, a woman who demands a lot of sacrifice--first, his career as a priest, second, his family. D also says she feels like just his 4th child--he is very involved with the daughters (25 and 19) and especially the grandson--predictable; I think this is the son we almost--but couldn't--have. D says that he lives at the farm, stays at his apartment only when D's there--and it's a pigsty. (this from a kid who can't throw wrappers away or put clothes in the laundry!) He's got a stack of books about horses that he's reading (interesting--he never took the slightest interest in any of my interests!) And she's very hurt that he has a wallet-size photo of her on his dresser, but 8x10's of OW, each daughter, and the grandson. Ouch. We also talked about Frank potentially wanting to return once "he gets dumped, and I told her that while I wish I could fix things, I couldn't imagine ever trusting Frank enough to have a marriage with him ever again, and that if I did that after all we've been through before and since it would be a bad example for her of boundaries in relationships. She agreed that she couldn't trust him again either. Lots of discussion about what he's told her about our marriage--which she knows isn't true, and in fact is actually funny to her. At 3 am I insisted we go to sleep because we were both getting a bit wacky. I got the definite feeling that she's going to be okay. And until this point, I haven't been entirely sure about that.

This is a man with a master's degree in theology, extensive training and 10 years's experience as a hospital chaplain. One would think that that background alone would give him some skills to help his daughter cope with stuff--but he's so intensely self-absorbed (and this is really no different than before the A) that it continues to be all about him. Well, him and OW.


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
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Yep, must be 'chat with the kids week'.

Heh, mine pretty much told me I deserve better than X, that kind of stung a bit. crazy


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,060
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Our kids are not stupid, and I think your one is particularly sharp. It's quite ironic that your H has turned into you, in a relational way. He is trying to earn OW's love, just like you tried to earn his. We should all be what and who we are, freely, in any R.

Those photos speak volumes! He is sacrificing his only child to this woman.

What a fool he is! Sad!


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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While I feel sorry for your DD, or anyone's child in this all-too typical situation, I think it encouraging that she at least sees things for what they are.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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Yep, here's to smart kids. Of course, you know our x's will say we've poisoned their minds against the abandoning parent. But who really cares what they think anyway?!

This was SUCH an enlightening conversation, and sort of led to several other very enlightening conversations as I processed it. And I'm coming to the conclusion (fleeting, I'm sure) that I'm not such a loser after all, perhaps, but that I am far stronger and wiser than all those folks who abandoned me sorta all at once because they're (and I quote) "such tools, and worse than tools--wedges: the simplest of tools!" Which leaves me no less alone than I was before, but at least I'm not surrounded by people whose love I'm trying to earn while they're simultaneously figuring out how to discard me from their lives while still looking fabulous.

And xH--what a weak, limited, foolish man. I fell for the charming extrovert who was trying to get into my pants, and spent the next 15+ years wondering where he went and why he left behind this guy who was so limited and so apathetic about me, and trying to figure out how to earn the return of the one I fell in love with. As it turns out, and I think I was coming to this realization but didn't know what to do about it--the limited, weak, narcissistic guy was the real Frank.

But I was no spring chicken when I got married. How on earth do I keep from falling into the same trap ever again? There's the real question. 'Cuz I've done it twice now. Will I ever learn?


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,060
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Posts: 4,060
Instead of looking at charm, find out what the moral character of the man is. Look at how he treats his mother --- usually a good clue. Did the mother allow the son to grow up, or is he still in that dependent state? As soon as a man wants to sweep you off your feet too fast, before meeting family, etc. then think carefully. It's a matter of respect, trust and finally, love. But, it is nice to have that feeling of crazy love, but that's when you date --- not marry.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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