So how do you keep calm? I've seen this work a couple of times with my sitch. But I'm so stressed out after.
I've been working on it for a long time. I literally bite my tongue! I stop trying to focus on changing him and focus on myself. I remind myself I WANT TO STAY CALM and mentally talk myself down. I remind myself H is not rational at that moment and that saying anything will just escalate things -
then I try to get space and self soothe.
It's most challenging when in front of S5. I want to stay in the room and protect my S. Sometimes I take S into the other room. But mostly I look into his little eyes and think that I want to role model something more mature than what H is possessed by.
Sorry you had some downs last night. They ARE going to happen though. The overall average over the past 4-5 days sounds like there has been a lot of progress though. Both for you and your H
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
However, he has since come to his senses, so it may not have immediately worked, but it did work eventually.
Nice! Always good to see that things work. I keep saying that it's like "fuel" to keep you going.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
THanks = man, why do I need these obvious reminders? I do = for whatever reason.
We all do. That's why we're here. We need the support and help from people who can relate. It's hard to find people that 'get it' if they haven't been there. That's what this board is for. The venting, support, and reminders.
You're doing great. You may want to go look at some of your first posts and see how far you've come!
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I did look back at the beginning of my thread per your suggestion - ack, have I changed at all? The same patterns/issues are on the table, I guess my handling of them are evolving. But H's anger, the stress over dinner with S5, the constant criticisms about the house are still in my face whenever H is around. The changes are - me staying calm - me doing things for me -more talking between H and me - some good times as a family - I've gotten a few appologies.
This is like swimming in molasses, isn't it? I need some more radical 180s to get this moving - any ideas, folks?
You're staying calm, walking away, having multiple "good" days with H, and gotten apologies. This seems like a lot of change in the little over a month that you have been on this board.
You even sound stronger in your posts.
Give yourself some credit
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
THanks EB! In all my venting, I forgot to mention the biggest improvement of all!
I got acknowledgement for my changes.
H has been obsessed with a minor car accident that occured last week. To make a long story short, an elderly man hit H in a parking lot, tried to escape, evaded the insurance co. calls and finally got his car fixed and said he had no idea what H was talking about.
H in his normal rage-filled way has been obsessed with vengence fantasies for this guy all weekend. H says it's not the money, it's that H wants to make a point to the guy that he can't escape the truth.
I asked if this is how he feels about me - (like he wants the legal sep. to "make a point" and get me to "face up to things").
He ACKNOWLEDGED that I'm different. I have apologized, owned up to my part in things, taken responsibility. That guy isn't.
Yeah!
Also - a small detail but I noticed - H showed up this afternoon unannounced presumably he "forgot something" but he has never done this. He is coming over tonight so why would he swing by in the afternoon? H is not conscious of it, but obviously more comfortable coming and going - like this is his home.
He also ate a quick lunch here - he often rejects food here.
Well the screaming is back - in full force. Non=stop. I think this whole thing is not working for me.
Hope,
You know, thinking back to those days whenever my kids did that to me I just reached for the binky. You know, the big soft chewy kind. Shut 'em right up and before I knew it, it was nappy time for Junior.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Well the screaming is back - in full force. Non=stop. I think this whole thing is not working for me.
Hope,
You know, thinking back to those days whenever my kids did that to me I just reached for the binky. You know, the big soft chewy kind. Shut 'em right up and before I knew it, it was nappy time for Junior.
So....do they come in mansize? If only I could shove something in that nasty mouth and put him to sleep!
Oops, sorry, the above post sounded filthy. I didn't mean it "that way!"