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#1845504 - 09/26/09 06:22 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: aliveandkicking]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
Sounds like it's working.

But here's the acid test...

Do YOU feel better this way than the old way?
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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#1845622 - 09/27/09 12:39 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
My 180- instead of fighting with him about the sitch - or pressuring, I just kept aloof. H asked "what's wrong - should I keep my distance?" I just said I was tired and worried about money. Besides that, all I can say is he noticed my aloofness. Even came back into the house "because he forgot something" after leaving - something he never does.

He prefers to upset the apple cart and leave screaming and with me trying to resolve things as he's storming out. I'd say I did a good 180 - I cut him off this time. This time, H even came back. He must have been wondering why I just didn't give a darn any more.

I guess that's good right?


Hope,

You are not being predictable, you are not giving him what he wants- attention -and you have him wondering what's up. Sounds good to me!
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1845623 - 09/27/09 12:41 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: BigJohn]
C-Bart Offline
Member

Registered: 07/30/09
Posts: 882
Loc: Missouri
Originally Posted By: BigJohn
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
My 180- instead of fighting with him about the sitch - or pressuring, I just kept aloof. H asked "what's wrong - should I keep my distance?" I just said I was tired and worried about money. Besides that, all I can say is he noticed my aloofness. Even came back into the house "because he forgot something" after leaving - something he never does.

He prefers to upset the apple cart and leave screaming and with me trying to resolve things as he's storming out. I'd say I did a good 180 - I cut him off this time. This time, H even came back. He must have been wondering why I just didn't give a darn any more.

I guess that's good right?


Hope,

You are not being predictable, you are not giving him what he wants- attention -and you have him wondering what's up. Sounds good to me!


So how do you keep calm? I've seen this work a couple of times with my sitch. But I'm so stressed out after.
_________________________
_________________________
Me-41
W-39
M-15 yrs T-17 yrs
D-12
S-9
S-8
B 5/08
S 1/09

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#1845759 - 09/27/09 02:14 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: C-Bart]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: C-Bart
Originally Posted By: BigJohn
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
My 180- instead of fighting with him about the sitch - or pressuring, I just kept aloof. H asked "what's wrong - should I keep my distance?" I just said I was tired and worried about money. Besides that, all I can say is he noticed my aloofness. Even came back into the house "because he forgot something" after leaving - something he never does.

He prefers to upset the apple cart and leave screaming and with me trying to resolve things as he's storming out. I'd say I did a good 180 - I cut him off this time. This time, H even came back. He must have been wondering why I just didn't give a darn any more.

I guess that's good right?


Hope,

You are not being predictable, you are not giving him what he wants- attention -and you have him wondering what's up. Sounds good to me!


So how do you keep calm? I've seen this work a couple of times with my sitch. But I'm so stressed out after.



C-Bart,

The short answer is that you have to detach and stop caring so much about how the other person is reacting. It's their problem, not yours. Once you reach the point where you are detaching, you will find that you won't be so stressed out afterwards.

Believe me, getting to the point of "mostly" detached or even "totally" detached is not easy. Certainly that was my experience as a Type A personality who is very protective of my W and a "fixer" by nature. I am not familiar with your sitch but it appears that you have been in the trenches a lot longer than me. Consider detachment. It's not going to eliminate all of the stress you are feeling but it will make things more manageable.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1845938 - 09/27/09 09:45 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: BigJohn]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Well the screaming is back - in full force. Non=stop. I think this whole thing is not working for me.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1845939 - 09/27/09 09:49 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Well the screaming is back - in full force. Non=stop. I think this whole thing is not working for me.


Boundary issue. If he starts screaming, you leave the room. Conversation over.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1845944 - 09/27/09 10:09 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
I'm giving up people. He's threatening a huge fight over divorce.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1845978 - 09/28/09 12:11 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Ok, momentary down.

I'll keep going. It's the only way. Huge explosions this weekend - H is upset that someone hit his car and lied to the insurance that he wasn't involved. H has been obsessing and has been taking out a huge amount of anger on me and S.

I lost my temper at him - part of my 180's I'm not supposed to do - I just snapped.

We kinda sorta talked it out. I keep wondering if I really want to keep this marriage - and the answer is still yes, even with all the heartache. So, back to the drawing board.

H went to his apt tonight after putting S to bed - but I felt good that he kept his commitment to put S to bed. I did my 180 - the old me would have tried to beg him to stay and "talk" about what happened this weekend between us.

I just let him go and said, just go do what you need to do for yourself. I appologized and so did he. That's the best I'm gonna get, and I'm glad I got it.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1845979 - 09/28/09 12:13 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: givingitmyall]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Well the screaming is back - in full force. Non=stop. I think this whole thing is not working for me.


Boundary issue. If he starts screaming, you leave the room. Conversation over.


Will do. Again. For the thousandth time.

I snapped this weekend - just couldn't take it any more.

But I'm crazy for thinking talking to him when he's like that is going to get me anywhere except in a deeper pit of h*ll.

Thanks for the reminder - after reading your post, I did just that. He continued to scream from across the house, chased me into my room, but I held firm and walked the other way. He eventually left.

That's when he threatened a big ugly divorce too.

However, he has since come to his senses, so it may not have immediately worked, but it did work eventually.

THanks = man, why do I need these obvious reminders? I do = for whatever reason.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1845980 - 09/28/09 12:16 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: BigJohn



Hope,

You are not being predictable, you are not giving him what he wants- attention -and you have him wondering what's up. Sounds good to me!



Thanks BJ! I'm going to keep it up. This is a good goal for me. It's satisfying when the "counter-intuitive" choice works!
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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