I said to her yesterday, how are you doing? And she said, we can't use each other as crutches, we've got to stop asking each other stuff like that.
I think she's right.
Is DBing the same as preparing to be single? Getting yourself to cope?
Yes and no. I think if you do wind up single it does help you cope with that. I've also seen some marriages here and in my real life come back after EAs and PAs. I have noticed that it often happens after the LBS basically moves on, and not by dating, but just by really moving on. I think the WAS know us well enough to know when that happens or we are faking it. But the funny thing is if you fake it for a while, you wind up honestly detaching. I think there are so many good reasons to GAL and 180. You're making yourself the best person you can be and actually ready for a healthy R. I was so depressed at the start of this I don't think it would have been possible for me to have a healthy M and I don't feel that way anymore. I think GALing also helps you to focus on yourself and not take the M's pulse way too often.
But she's also said I don't know how to be around you, it's HARD being around you because I feel anxious, etc.
I think that's one thing that maybe she needs to work on if she wants to be a healthy person. You aren't responsible for her feeling anxious, she is. If she's feeling anxious about something that's her problem, and she needs to fix it or not fix it as the case may be. You both should be responsible for your own emotions, positive or negative as the case may be.
I've really got to start thinking about the other side of this. What it looks like. Having a different home. Sharing the kids. Having less money. And doing this being just me. She's not invested.
I do think both of you probably need to do this. If she's having an EA or PA, she's thinking you're the blame for her problems, and they'll all go away and life will be perfect after D. I've heard that from my X and almost everyone on this board has heard that. Life doesn't work like that though, and at some point she will realize that...
Yeah, I see that I've still got some ways to go in being - what - whole I guess.
I think I'm making slow progress though. Actually felt better this afternoon than I have for awhile, but maybe that's the Xanex. It may be that every day is incrementally better. I feel more detached right now, maybe that will stick. I think I'm starting to focus a little more on elements of my life.
Anyway, went to the DivorceCare meeting tonight. It was good.
I am glad you went to Divorce Care. I know it helped me when I went. I stopped going because my H moved out and I had to get home to the dog after work. I have been looking for a group closer to home, but no luck so far.
Bill, I agree with Karen. It takes a long time to truly walk our own path and at first we fake it. Fake it until you make it. It doesn't mean you stop caring, that you give up, but it does mean you show that other person the respect to decide for themselves how they feel and what they are going to do.
It means that you take your heart out of their hands and don't spin with the least little sign, action or words. GAL helps you start to pull your identity away from the combined "us" that was you in the marriage.
We lose ourselves in marriage and in the daily flow of life. We settle into a comfortable routine. Paying bills, television, housework, the necessary activities take the place of living life to the fullest.
As painful as all of this is, this will be your chance to grow like you never have before in your life. One day at a time.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thanks Wifey. Yeah, it's tough. i think I'm making progress, but it's incremental, and I go back and forth. My desire to go to her room and climb into bed with her this morning is overwhelming. I can see myself doing it. But of course I won't. I keep reminding myself, as hard as this is, I'm not lying on the bottom of the shower anymore, I"m not laying in bed for half the day anymore. I'm focusing at work better. I don't feel completely lost anymore.
My desire to go to her room and climb into bed with her this morning is overwhelming.
Just replace the urge with something productive.
- Do 20 push-ups - pray - play with the dog - read - call a friend - make a list of goals
You can handle it.
Edited by Coach (09/24/0909:57 AM)
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I know what you are going through is hard, but I think there are a few things that you can do to help you not focus on your situation, at least for a while.
Look all you really have in this life is this moment. Right here and right now. Stop for a second and breathe. Notice what if feels like to just sit and breathe. Sit for a moment and just listen to the sounds you hear. You seem so distracted in this relationship, what your wife may feel, what she may do, that you are missing the simple small things in life that, frankly, are all we really have.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
Well, it's as simple as getting into the shower, getting ready for work, and proceeding with the day. There are other things to focus on, yes. I'm getting there. It's not easy, but I'm getting there. Waking up in the morning is hard, but it does seem like it's getting incrementally better.
This morning was interesting. W made (welll, heated up) breakfast for me, sought me out for hugs 3 times. Said at one point, she thinks she's struggling with things because she's not getting this regular attention from me. I believe she said again that she likes being around me...
So, trying to balance between not pusuing, and my C's statement that I should start working on reconnecting with her (dating, etc.) I said, let's go out - do some of those things that we've been taking about. You need some fun.
She agreed. Said - oh, what if it makes things harder - but that's what you want, isn't it? She said, what about you, you need fun too, right?
I said - I am having fun. She asked what I meant - I said getting out, meeting new people (the support group). And she said - that's pretty amazing, you're not a people person.
So anyway, she's incrementally closer today.
Is it because she's drained? Kids have been challanging this week. Is it because I went out last night to the support group? Is it because I gave her more attention on Monday? I don't know. Maybe it's just the regular tide of this situation.
Esox, I agree, it really helps when I get out of my head and foucs on what's going on right here, right now. I feel like I'm focusing more on the things I need to do, maybe I'm laughing more than I was. Thanks for the reminder.
If you want to spend some time with your wife then do it. Do it because it is something that you want to do for Bill or something because it is just a simple kindness shared with your wife. Just don't do it to elicit a response from your wife. If you do it as a precursor to a response that you desire you are just defeating the intent.
Try to smile more Bill. Laugh when you can. Make someone’s life a little easier today just because. You will probably find that your mood lightens.
I’ve been trying to lighten my mood lately. What I’m trying to do, and it is hard for me as I am an introvert, is to make eye contact with the people I pass in the hall, and then I smile. It is hard at first. But I would guess 8 out of 10 people smile back. Do you know how long it has been since I’ve had many people smile at me in a day? Years probably. Perhaps this is a simple thing and of no real value, but it is to me lately, and that is enough.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .