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#1840851 - 09/20/09 05:45 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
bluerain Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/08
Posts: 1501
Loc: Alaska
Where else do you have to go but forward, Nell?

He is speaking from the same script as they all do, line by line. No matter how unhappy he was, or what terrible things you did to him, or whatever it is, he doesnt get an excuse, an A is never justified. My H actually told me that he didnt think that I would mind!

I had the same feelings when I really realized that he had been unhappy for a long time. But I think that all you can do here is validate what hes saying, but still stay detached enough to not let him cake eat. And dont beat yourself up over it. As your H, it was his responsibility to come to you and tell you what was going on with him. You couldnt make that choice for him any more than you can make this one for him.

Im sorry that your having a hard time right now, it will get better, I promise.
_________________________
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...

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#1840881 - 09/20/09 07:34 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: bluerain]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Thanks BR. I agree with you totally - you know the hardest part for me is that H doesn't see himself as having an A as he told me that our M was over before he did anything about it ... and I DO ABSOLUTELY believe him. Makes it all the harder though as he now believes that he is RIGHT to be doing what he is doing and can not understand me when I say that what he is doing is illegal and immoral. He questioned me on it the other evening, when I spat the words at him. He just looks at me with an aliens eyes and says that I am deluding myself.

He keeps telling me not to confuse the two issues. He says that he told me our M was over and then, he admits with poor timing, he was propositioned by the tramp. Fool him accepted and fool me for having allowed myself to be forced out of the country to allow it to happen.

I could kick myself sometimes for having acted as I did. I should have stayed here and toughed it out but he said "if you love me let me go" - and yet I was the stupid one to leave. I'm so glad that I took bmf's advice and came back.

H is actively encouraging me to go and have an A or start dating. Yeuck - the thought sickens me but of course, this would merely assuage his guilt. Not playing that game.

Feeling really wrung out today. Have had gf, her D and GD around for lunch but it took everything out of me. They haven't been to my home before (new gf) and they were saying how lovely it was and what a fool H was to have jumped ship when he has all of this at his finger tips. Just kind of made me feel worse. Now that they are gone, I'm so very alone ......... I'm feeling so broken and fragile at the moment.

It's taking me all that I have not to phone H and say "I want to speak with you - I want to work on this together - I know that you are not happy right now but we CAN be in the future" - all the wrong things, I know - and I won't do it but the temptation is so great. I'm sure that you have all been where I am today.

Lesson: don't drink wine with gf at lunch time!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1840895 - 09/20/09 08:40 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Right Miss Nell, its boot up the b*m time.. YOU are showing progress whilst H is still going round in circles. Believe me my H said all the same things and made me feel as guilty that I hadnt seen/realise/heard all the pain he was in, and also I dont for one minute think that a good majority of it came from his heart (not just the script) I totally hear you about H's affair, a marriage is not finished until a divorce has been issued and then you can have someone else! Perhaps you need to find a new way to say that when he goads you, make it sound more legally termed that emotionally termed.

Now which second of conversation, set off the unpleasantries, think back on it not in a woe is me mindset but a how do I play the H at his own game mind! Make a list when you have a minute of all the hurtful things H is likely to say and then get your own combat answer! It can be anything from an Hmmm, a dont know, let me think about! and of course if anytime you cant think of an answer if a bit of panic sets in a script answer is always handy. Ooh and dont forget the old chestnut, grasp stomach and profess you need the bathroom urgently and leg it lol!

If you dont mind me saying and believe me this is said with love! Send H to coventry for a week, it wont hurt him to stew a bit and make him think about why when things were going well and he obviously was enjoying a bit of verbal footsie (wink) that one word from him validated his script.. You have another week in your new job, breathe in those confidence moments and remind yourself of them all week. You say now you feel done with him, well start acting done, (you dont have to do it) one of things I said to H at the weekend was that I felt like that sixteen year old schoolgirl again but with a forty years olds knowledge and a wink of course.. I know how hard it is, but you have got to find a way to ignore/stop/avert H's harmful words touching you, and only you know whats the best way to do that.

We are all here to support each other, so make this plan of action week and bounce of all of us your ideas, and start to visulise you acting them out! Just like you had your run through this week. You are right H is struggling the OW if she is pulling all the "I need you" "I miss you" "Cant you come see me" "If you love me you will find the money" stunts his life is gonna be hell. So you do the opposite, dont think of it as funding his affair but more showing him OW is hassle and Nell is easy/fun/comfortable to be with! As my dear mate would say "keep at it chicken, only you know if he is worth it" and Im sorry if I sound like Im nagging x
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

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#1840896 - 09/20/09 08:48 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Good old Rabbit - the kick in the derriere that I probably need! I will read again through your words and try to formulate a plan - there is a lot of sense in there. It's just difficult to take it all in when the fog is upon you!

I know that you are right though and I will do as you say.

Thanks for sticking with me Rabbit ... it's a real see-saw as well as a roller coaster, isn't it?

Just feeling really sick today. I can't believe that he is sat there all on his lonesome and thinking that is better than being with his family here .... how can they WANT to live like this??
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1840899 - 09/20/09 09:11 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Cos hes an ALIEN!

Let the fog drop have a nice Nell evening then lets "go to war" ((NELL))
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

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#1840901 - 09/20/09 09:19 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
You have picked this stuff up so quickly Rabbit!!

Reading some other threads and hearing what you are telling me, I have decided to drop the rope for now. I am just going to live out my life - I am now paying more than my own way in regard the bills (H is still paying half mortgage to protect his interests). I am going to see this out and to the dogs with him!

Today is Day Two of being dark (again)!! No wonder I feel so sick - been here before - it's getting like a roundabout!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1840903 - 09/20/09 09:27 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Just a little positive spin on "Going Dark" shall we rename it "National Nell Week/s" smile Let him get on with enjoying his lonely lonely life and you just continue to enjoy all that Nell has that he hasnt! Like his cat for a start! x


Edited by Lost Rabbit (09/20/09 09:27 AM)
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

Top
#1840905 - 09/20/09 09:35 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
True enough my friend!!

Was just emailing new gf and told her that I am the one sitting pretty right now. I am paying more than half of the bills here (my expenses, as H demanded) and he is unable to sell the house without my agreement, so there's nothing else for him to threaten me with.

Who's in control .... ? Ah, that would be me!!!!!!

Thanks (((Rabbit))) - I feel a little better. wink


Edited by Eskimo Nell (09/20/09 09:36 AM)
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1840911 - 09/20/09 10:25 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
I keep reading about setting boundaries and feel that I should maybe look at some of my own. Thing is, how do I do it??

I have asked for the keys for the house - H refuses on the grounds that this is still legally his home even though he chooses not to live in it (I could say that in the same vein, I demand to have my H on my keyring, as we are still legally married)!!

I have asked him not to flounce out if he gets upset when we talk but he says that he will not stay here and be abused (he takes any negative word about himself or ow as abuse).

I just don't think that I am in the position to set down any boundaries really - unless you guys know otherwise ... how can you put boundaries on a WAS who has nothing much to do with you??
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1840930 - 09/20/09 01:37 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
bonnyh Offline
Member

Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 234
Loc: uk
You need to set some boundaries. Why can't he give the key back? Do you have keys to his place, can you come and go there as you wish? NO of course you can't, so he shouldn't be able to do that to you. Put it to him like that. Maybe suggest that you wouldn't want him walking in when you were 'entertaining' remember he has to believe that you've moved on. Good luck
_________________________
married 23 years
4 grown up kids

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