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Thanks buddies! Even though I felt you all here with me, I panicked and have screwed up, BIG TIME.

H was lovely when he arrived and we talked like old times - save for the conversation was somewhat very different. He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and I almost felt that there was a chance for us .... he said that he didn't even want to talk about the finances.

Then, one loose word about money and the whole thing exploded. I felt threatened and said "then put it in writing to me and I shall get my solicitor to look at it" ... of course, that led on to other stuff, I started calling him on how he can afford flights to see ow and entertaining on weekends and it all blew up in my face. H went to the garage, picked up some more of his belongings and his parting words were "I AM having the house valued and you WILL be hearing from my lawyer".

I bade him goodnight and shut the door on him - again. Now I am FUMING mad .... wasted all that great DB'ing and yet again, he goes away thinking that I am the mad cow that he thinks I am and how right he was to have done what he did. Oh, how could I have let myself down so badly after all the preparation I put in.

The evening started so well and with a positive or two (will tell you about it tomorrow) and now I am back to square one - all my own fault. Aaaargh, I could scream.


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Sorry to hear it didn't go well. ((hugs)).

At what point would you say you stopped acting like a WAW?


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Right breathe, you havent completely screwed up. From what you say there are some good bits, fingers crossed once he has got over his indignation and telling himself he is right that he will start to remember the good bits that happened before it went pearshaped! Make a note of the triggers for the pearshaped bits and work out a better way of dealing with them the next time it comes up. Dont beat yourself up we are all working in the dark during these times and believe me I know exactly how you feel not knowing what is going to hit me tomorrow night. Best get some advice on how to deal with a blow up from some one more qualified. Huge hugs x


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I'm pretty confident that H will cool down Dudess. I didn't manage to 'act as if' at all ... it was just easy to be me and H to be H whilst we were talking about other stuff.

The minute he started to talk about a new life - moving interstate, changing jobs and all MLC stuff, I lost it! I evidently got his interest a few times as he told me that he would not discuss stuff if I continued to be 'cryptic'.

I just get so angry when he plays like a lawyer and demands yes or no answers only. He tells me that I have lied - constantly. I have not. I have been merely protecting myself and DB'ing! I haven't lied. He knows that I hate being called such and that's what rises my dander ... from there on in, I can't hold it together.

H twists words very cleverly, then makes out that it's my doing. It's so frustrating.

I thanked him tonight for all the jobs that he did here when we were together and I told him how hard I now realise that it was for him, with me giving him very little help. I really affirmed his position as a H and yet he totally rides roughshod on the sort of W that I have been - he belittles my efforts and even told me tonight that he thought that I was clinically depressed to have behaved the way I have in the past. I called him on that and said "good time to be a WAH then - I thought that our vows were in sickness and health - MINE were".

His usual comment sticks in my guts - "too little, too late - it's irreconcilable - it's dead, over, finished".

What's the point of DB'ing when someone is that done??


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Thanks Rabbit. I'm so tired right now - I had a bad night last night, great day as I planned and even the start of the evening went well. With it all hitting the fan in the last going off, I am wrung out. I held it together when he was telling me about moving away and looking for a new job. I even held off exploding when I goaded him in to saying things that I didn't want to know but needed to push him towards. Why can't I just leave things alone and let him miss me? Why? Because I am afraid that he has gone and will never ever be back again.

Will write more tomorrow - I certainly hope that it goes better for you!! Forgive me dashing off. It's late and I have to take this headache and yet again shattered and broken heart to bed.


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
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Have a good sleep and reassess, one thing I keep reminding myself was what H said to me every time I said "I dont want to lose you" he didnt mean to be unkind but his reply was "you cant lose whats already lost" as hard as that might seem its how you have to look at things, youre not losing him, you have lost him, and now you are DBing your ar*e off to get him back. And anyway you dont want back the person you lost (hes not that nice) you want a loving H back, one that doesnt undermine you or make you feel bad! Nell you are a lovely lady, I know that because you have stuck by me thick and thin, and you dont know me from adam! Chin up tomorrow is another day, and Operation DB starts again..


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Hi Nell

I am really sorry it don't go as well as planned, but we have all been there and done that, it is unfortunately what happens when emotions get the better of us.

Tomorrow is another day and a chance to pick yourself up and start over again. Don't lose heart Nell.

(((((((Nell)))))



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Well followers, last night was a coup, at first!

Sitting here booted and suited ... waiting and waiting. Finally I could take it no more. I blew out the candles and got in the car, racing off before H could arrive and see me! I was FURIOUS that he was so late. It was 18.45hrs when I came back around the corner to find him sitting in the car on the drive - I got out of the car, on the phone naturally (!!) and he unlocked the door for us to come in - listening all the while but not saying a word.

I put the kettle on and asked him to make the tea whilst I got changed in to my (new) jeans.

H - you've changed your hair
Me - mmm - do you like it?
H - it's a lot to get used to - it's a big change
Me - I love it, really happy, makes me feel the sassy girl I am!
H - ah.

Jeans on, tea made, H looking every bit the MLC man with a long sleeve shirt and jeans on, black shoes - totally unco-ordinated, 'don't-know-what-this-man-is-thinking' look about him! Conversation kicks off and no mention of money. He's telling me he's off to Sydney on a work trip, work is becoming mundane, wants to move interstate, change job etc. Will be moving out of his unit in February when lease runs out and then would be a good time to 'change everything'. I made some quip about ow, could have bitten out my tongue and he responded as we can imagine he would.

Settled down, told me I was being cryptic in my responses, accussed me of lying about things over the years (I SWEAR that I have not). Before I knew it, I was breaking every rule to get him to hear me. I get so frustrated when he backs me into a corner and won't hear me out - I just give up and then retaliate later.

Positive conversation commenced and H agreed that he needed to concentrate on some practical aspects around the home and that he would do that very soon, helping out with maintenance etc. He fixed a cupboard door which was working it's way loose at this juncture! He made another cup of tea and asked me if it was OK to take a plastic jug and a whisk from the cupboard. For goodness sakes, how much would that have cost him to replace?!!! I agreed but as we then started arguing, he didn't take said items, nor did he fix the clock on the DVD player for me (I can't work out how to set it)!!

On to finances and H starts to say that he will pay half of necessary bills but not gas, electric, phone, food, Foxtel etc ... my worry now that I have a job. Explained that it was temporary and he said that we would look at things again then but it was too late - the touchpaper had been lit and we were both escalating things to a point from which we knew there would be no return that night. I mouthed off about ow and ... well, I saw the smoke from his heels.

I went to bed with a banging headache, couldn't sleep, felt sick, felt the last few weeks to have all been a waste of good DBing, with nc on my part.

This morning, after having spent a restless night, I felt even more sick. Got in to work and text him saying that I was sad it had all fallen apart again when we were doing so well. I told him that I felt threatened by his conversation and so retaliated. I said that we do need to have the financial conversation and that we should try again. H text straight back and said "OK - I shall email you" - so not sure if that's to make another 'date' or whether he intends to put his suggestions in an email.

Felt better all day and almost like he had agreed to come home, that's how good the conversation was before it went pearshaped - not that he said that he would, because he very definitely did not. It was just that comfortable feeling of being together like old times and the way that he looked at me. He was not saying ILY but his eyes and posture were. I know my H!!

H was really encouraging about the new job and wanted to know where, what, why and when - then started suggesting 'rat runs' to free me from the freeway traffic. I cut him off, laughing, mid-sentence and said "so you don't like my hair then?" *giggling* ... H laughed too for a split second and replied "I didn't say that but then you twist my words on everything, don't you?", so I take it that he does like it but felt that he had almost got sucked into 'normality'.

Overall, I feel a bit better today and even though I know that he went on a one night 'holiday' with ow, I feel good knowing that he has not been interstate since beginning of August. I also feel good knowing that he is alone this weekend - and that he misses the cats so very much!!

So DB'ers ... what's my next move? Do I do more of the nc and risk another 3 empty weeks or more, or do I take the chance of a weekly email .... phone call .... text occasionally - what?? I just don't know which way to go now but I do know that I have to readdress my pulling him so sharply from the cave last night and I have to allow him to go back in there - for a good while.

Oh, funny thing. When I asked him about the insurance stuff, he said that he had called the company and asked for a copy of the policy, which they sent to him at his unit. H rang and explained the situation and they are now sending it out to me BUT he said that he was going to ring them this morning to intercept them sending it out and he would change my insurance for me. I didn't ask him to do this and I am amazed that he just went ahead. I told him that I could do it myself and he said "OK" so I don't know if he has now, or not! Thing is, it was just wonderful that he was going to .... that's a small baby step, is it not??


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
Joined: Aug 2009
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Its funny but being cryptic/mysterious really bugs them doesnt it, its almost laughable that they dont want us but still want to know what we are doing to apease their guilt, so when we dont play ball they are left in limbo the same as us! I used to tell H everything, infact you know the scenario in the 5LL book about one being a talker and the other a listener well that is H and me, I fill holes with words, well not anymore, I leave holes for him to fill and worry about lol. It seems like things were going well and I like the way you emailed him but didnt apolagise just said it was sad, probably verifying how he feels about the whole thing too. Now I'd wait for the email, you cant move until you know if its more contact or more unpleasantries. I'd go with a little more contact if he's nice, withdraw if he is not. Do you know how to send piccies of the cats doing daft things on your phone.. I know our H's miss the moggies and one thing my H said in passing in the first few weeks was he liked to see piccies of my little girlie. Its contact but non pursuing, just a gentle reminder of who else he has left behind. ooh and keep that hairdo going that definitly rattled him, I hope mine works as well! Will try and report in later but if not wont be till H has gone some time saturday.


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Hi Nell,

I wouldn't be contacting him again now, I would wait for him to contact you again, otherwise you will look like you are pursuing again particularly as it all ended the way it did.

He obviously noticed the changes in you which is a good sign but it is this keeping the emotions and impatience in check that is hardest for us.

I know it is hard but try not to dwell on how bad it turned and try to focus on the good points and learn from that. Remember more of what works and less of what doesn't.



Trying to keep hope alive
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