NOTICE: In order to help the OnLine Community run more efficiently, we will be pruning the boards over the next few weeks. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them soon.
Page 9 of 48 < 1 2 ... 7 8 9 10 11 ... 47 48 >
Topic Options
#1833895 - 09/08/09 06:58 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
OK - now S knows that there is potentially another bomb to drop, right? I don't advocate that you discuss this with him but he won't be surprised, I wouldn't have thought.

However, the problem now is knowing what to do with this new finding. I can totally understand that you are panicking and feeling sick ... BREATH - put up a stop sign in your mind and try to get some logical perspective. There may be a perfectly logical reason for this transaction. I would urge you not to jump to conclusions here, although it's naturally your first instinct. You need to find out - not accuse, but you need to query what that money is for.

I went to the bank in the week and queried a transaction on our account and it turned out to be our contents insurance - see what I mean!

Maybe you could call the bank and ask them to put a stop on the transaction as you know nothing of it and it COULD be unauthorised. That wouldn't do you any favours with H but it may smoke him out a bit ... it could also incur his wrath so you have to be prepared.

It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is but what I do know is this: when people ask for advice and they get it, they quickly decide if that's what they want to do. Deep down, I think that we all KNOW what we want to do about these things but we just want another perspective to bench mark against.

If I turn the question on it's head, what do you THINK that you should do??

I'm here - I won't go until you have come to relax a bit more about this ... have a think. Breath >>> put up the stop sign >>>> breath >>>> think >>>>>
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1833898 - 09/08/09 07:06 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Still breathing Nell and gradually getting calmer..

Its a bill payment rather than something that has been paid, as in he can use it to pay a bill in the future all the details are in he just has to set a date and amount! So there is nothing to query with the bank, just with him!

At the moment I want to ring him and tell him what a coward he is being letting me find out that way, or putting his S in a position of knowing and keeping it from me. But as you say it could be his name and accomadation owners name to clarify for the letting agency.

Also I feel that S would not be so easy going with H if he was having an affair, where as he understands that things dont always work out in M's not really explaining that very well! Still shaking with shock. But then that does explain why he doesnt seem to know/care I exist any more..

Im not really even sure what Im typing, I need to go and ride madam but Im in such a tiss Im worrying about driving, got to keep this together somehow I just dont know how at the moment!
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

Top
#1833899 - 09/08/09 07:13 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
No Rabbit - go nowhere just yet. Get really calm first and then you will enjoy madam more later. You wouldn't be safe to drive right now, never mind riding in fury - that's not fair on madam, nor yourself!! Sit tight. Keep that stop sign up front and continue your deep breathing.

From what you say, I would agree that it's most likely to be the accommodation agency BUT you still have to know or you won't rest. Also, it's your right to know where money out of your joint account is going!

I have to say, if H is having an A, would he be as brazen as to pay for such stuff out of your joint account? Don't rule out that there could be an ow - that would be deluding yourself at this time and you also have to find that out - however hard it may be to face up to it.

Seems most likely at the moment though that it's the letting agent. Work on that fact, until you find out otherwise. Sometimes we have to 'fake it before we make it' and this might be one of the things that we 'fake' in our own minds ... what do you think??
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1833904 - 09/08/09 07:20 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Much calmer now thanks Nell, I have changed the password to the online banking, it can be changed back no problem quickly, but now he wont be able to get online to check anything. So if he phones to say he's got a problem or have I changed the password, I can play dumb and ask him if he has paid the mortgage or is there anything else I need to know on financial side! Have to say that I really feel he has entered alien territory big time now, I had come to terms that he isnt MY H anymore but its really sunk home now!
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

Top
#1833906 - 09/08/09 07:32 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Good Rabbit ... I'm not sure that I have helped you, other than to get you to stop sign and breath ... it helps in slowing the 'flight or fight' adrenaline which is coursing through us at times like this. Not a good time to react ... it's why we all advocate taking at least 24hrs before doing anything that's provoked by our WAS.

Good. That's a big one out of the way for you - I think that was your first whammy, wasn't it?!!

May not be wise to change the password long-term. Again, I was furious when H did that to me, although I had gone back to the UK and he only kept it that way for 24hrs before he realised that it was not the right thing to do! Actually, I think that what he realised was that any monies coming out of the account may tip me off to what was going on before he had the chance to tell me for himself.

H is many things at the moment but I know that he at least had the integrity to tell me about ow before I got to find out by other means. It still hurt like hell. To him, he had ended the M and so he still does not consider that he is having an A. Laughable! Are we still legally M? Yes. There you go then, bit of a no brainer, really!!

Just allows him to have a guilt-free concscience ... until he goes to sleep at night because it must haunt him then, as I am sure it will for most men worth their salt.

Sorry - felt my first rant of the day getting the better of me there! Must concentrate on the fact that Silence is Golden and H has broken it!! That makes me smile.

So, how are you doing now??



Edited by Eskimo Nell (09/08/09 07:33 AM)
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1833910 - 09/08/09 07:38 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Breathing just about lol!

My heart is still telling me H wouldnt let me find out that way, he made sure I knew about the new flat before telling S. The only thing I can think of is that he is mad at me for putting the dispute on that fraud thing and getting his card cancelled, but I didnt get his card cancelled the bank did that, it had nothing to do with me at all!

It so hard isnt it, the man I loved is kind, considerate, caring, loving, wouldnt hurt a fly and I still thought I was the centre of his world, its a lot to come to terms with not being the centre of his world but to find out you didnt even really know them is just as difficult to get to grips with!

Thanks for being there Nell x
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

Top
#1833913 - 09/08/09 07:43 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
(((Rabbit))) = well done!

Before I go, I just want you to remember another mantra - and you have to keep this one upfront because you are going to need it alot in the near future:

"Don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do"

My H sounds like yours, genuine, loving, sensitive, caring ... and NEVER would I have believed that he could do a fraction of what he has done lately to hurt me, including calling the cops to come to the house to sort me out! They are not 'here' in the real world right now... we have to get to grips with that and 'Act as if' .... you know the rest!!

I'm out of here Rabbit ... got some of my own thinking to do now in how I am going to address H's email ... I have time though ... it won't be today and it won't be tomorrow. You know? It might not even be until next week!!

Hang in there and give madam an apple for me!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1833916 - 09/08/09 07:46 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Thanks Nel

Good luck with your thinking and remember "make him wait" x
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

Top
#1834066 - 09/08/09 11:28 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Back from riding madam, I dont know what I would do without her and moglet bless them.. The one good thing about riding a horse is that you HAVE to set aside your feelings for that time as they pick up on them and play there tune to suit it! So no matter how awful I feel it has to be laid outside her stable whilst I ride her, and of course the work out benefits me, keep me fit, sane and clears my head for sensible thinking! The only down side is every time I come away from the stable I feel this pit of dispair! Today I asked myself why? Its because its my haven, my ME time with friends who are loving and caring and ready to listen and administer tea when necessary, and once I leave it Im back in the real world with a WAS and too many fears which I am trying to juggle and control.. Im not going to beat myself up, I have so 180 on the panicking, and today really was a whammy and Im so glad I took the time to think about it before and prepare myself for it as it seemed almost impossible that H had a OW but most likely that he had from all the stories on here. Now he really has become an alien, MY H would never have done any of this, so I know longer know who this man is? There is still a small space in my brain for giving him reasonable doubt over this information received today, but I doubt he is going to need it.. If information gets back to him via S all he is going to hear is that mum seems fine, calm and carrying on with life as best she can, she is still looking for a job but enjoying her time with madam and friends in the mean while! In fact I am actually beginning to feel proud of myself, he might be behaving like an alien but I can still behave like a lady!
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

Top
#1834239 - 09/08/09 02:34 PM Picnic Power [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Ok todays news or not news I still dont know either way isnt going to throw me. The old me would have been on the phone screaming my head off reminding him that I wouldnt accept used goods back again! NO NO NO..

So I am setting my picnic out for him to see, ok so he might not be able to see me but Im sure he will hear about me from S. He is visiting him this weekend so something will slip out!

I hear you cry but thats not detaching, well sort of as Im carrying on with my life as usual and not letting what he is doing affect me. Although Im still not sure what to do about the financial commitments he has not kept too. Do I email him and state the obvious that he hasnt paid it, or pay it and tell him I have done so!

I cant believe that after todays shock I am sitting here as calm and serene as I feel, maybe it will catch up with me tomorrow who knows, gotta get up early take S to work, back for a docs appointment then go ride madam. The rest of the week I have plenty to do so will be occupied for a fair bit of the time thank goodness, he might think that Im outta sight outta mind but the same applies to him also!
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

Top
Page 9 of 48 < 1 2 ... 7 8 9 10 11 ... 47 48 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004