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Need help folks, Im sat here in tears again, my son has popped round and in his wisdom decided to try and make me see the light.. he is twenty one and has staying at his girlfriends house whilst she is home from uni, but comes home on monday.. obviously he is talking to his dad and more often than me, he doesnt get that I dont want to know what H is doing and is trying to make me see for my healing that I have to accept that my marriage is over and that H is not coming back, he is going to visit him next weekend so thats already dropped the information into my world that Im not going to see H next weekend as well.. I am distraught I love this man so much and he has just dropped out of my world completely. What do I do my son wants to come home but I cant cope with his "sh*t happens" attitude and "im not keeping secrets from you" attitude.. please folks I need advice how to handle all of this as Im not going to be able to hold it together if he carries on sabotaging me at every step!


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Please some one give me some advice I am so trying not to ring H and ask him what he has been saying to our son as it seems he knows more than I do.. I am desperate to get my husband back home with me, but feel so hopeless at the moment!


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Hi Lost!

Can you set some boundaries with your son?
Tell him, you don't need or want to know, that it's hurtful, and that he's going to have to figure out how to navigate this being respectful to both of you. The R is your business.

Tell him you are working on yourself. Whatever happens, you are taking care of yourself. He doesn't have to know what your goals and desires are, you don't have to make this known. Just tell him you need him to be supportive as you get through this, and tell him what the boundaries are.

That's just my $0.02

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Thats exactly what I tried to do Bill, but he seems to think he cant do that! but I cant have him do it to me all the time.. Im never going to keep myself afloat if he is doing the "i know what you dont know" all the time.. Just in pieces the one person I need to talk to so much I cant as it will screw up all my DB'ing..


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Once lost but now found and happily married again!
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Would it really be that bad if I phone my H to talk to him!


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Yes!

Do not call him.

If you want to talk to your son, go ahead and do that. But remember that he is still young and doesn't understand what it takes to be in a M. Have you gone out and done things for yourself?

If your son has been talking to your H, then the channel goes both ways. Let your son tell your H that you are happy and outgoing. Detach now or else it's going to eat you up.

Does he have OW?


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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MrBond #1831715 09/03/09 08:20 PM
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I have been out and about GAL and done a few 180's this week, I managed to have a good conversation with H last night but now S has come home I feel like there is a whole lot going on that Im not party too and yes it is eating me up as I feel that S knows all that H is going to do to me.. I love my S to bits but as an only child he does try and stir between me and H, and he has already said he is going to get his moneys worth outta of his dad.
As far as I now there is no OW but every day I wonder if there is.. S's parting line was you would never forgive me if I didnt tell you if dad was planning to sh*t on you from a great height.. The H I know and love would never do that to me, but now I just dont know.. I almost want to phone him to show him I have faith in him and hope that its just S using his wooden spoon too much!
Wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up to face this horrible mess again tomorrow morning!


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Went and listened to his message on the ansaphone just wanted to hear his voice, that seemed to soothe my soul a bit and I was able to have a bit of a cry, interupted by a mate txting me so managed to pull myself together a bit again.. Need my bed now sleep used to solve everything for me, H even complained before he left he didnt know how I could have a row and go to sleep when he was left awake stewing.. hence my user name, my dad used to say I was like a little rabbit in a hole when I got scared I would hide in my bed and not come out.. so far managed not to do that but the bed is looking pretty inviting I must say!


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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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You get tired when you get depressed. My W does the same thing. Only problem is that when you do that, the problem is still there in the morning.

Start weening yourself off your H. Stop talking to him. Stop it right now. You have become extremely co-dependent on his actions. Even when your son makes mention of something you are hanging on every word that deals with your H.

When you GAL, you detach. Live your life first. Your well-being is your first priority Stop being the Lost Rabbit and be the Wolf instead. Independent, alive and taking care of your needs.

Let's face it. Your H is not there and he may never come back. Are you going to hinge your happiness on his actions? Are you willing to live like a puppet dancing to his moods?

Of course not. GAL for you. Not to get your mind of the sitch, but because it makes you feel good. And that's something many of us haven't been able to do in awhile. Feel Good about ourselves.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #1831759 09/03/09 09:30 PM
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Thank you Stuck I needed a good earwiggin! I dont/havent contacted my H at all I leave it to him to phone me or contact me, which at the moment seems to be about once a week, I managed to stay calm, confident and mysterious and felt I did well on my last conversation with him.. I can cope most of the time with what he tells me and I dont ask to much about what he is doing as I dont want to know about his new accomadation, interests etc..What throws me is when my S intermates that he knows more than I do and that more doom and gloom is heading my way than H is telling me.. My son has a very matter of fact attitude and well me I have realised I am a panicker.. that is one of my 180's not to panic, and even though I lost it on here I DIDNT phone my H for support.. I just need a good way to deal with my S, as I dont want to upset/offend him but he has to know I dont want to know information from him about his dad. Or is there a better way of saying "im pleased to here dad is doing well, but that is something I am discussing with him so pleased dont get involved" Anyway really I am off to bed now thanks for all the advice much appreciated.


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Once lost but now found and happily married again!
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