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harpo #1828670 08/30/09 11:43 AM
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Rabbit - my apologies - I found your thread in Separated What Next and have just replied to you there. You may find my response and wonder what the heck I was going on about ... I didn't spot you here until much later!


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Thank you so much for your replies x including the other post Eskimo Nell! I had managed to keep my head above water for so long and on thursday even had one of those small good moments.. I had bought makeup for myself, got into a pair of size 10 (uk)jeans and came home to a fed up sounding message from OH on the answer phone, referring to phoning home, I also had an agency phone me to come in for an interview for some temping positions, so I suppose I wrongly started to believe that maybe something good was gonna happen with him too.. I was so wrong when he finally caught up with me it was to tell me he had been able to rent a flat, something I had always felt that the minute he did that we were doomed as he is now two+ hours drive away from me! I am doing my utmost to not put our son in any awkward positions and we had agreed we wouldnt but H doesnt seem able to adere to the rules! The note he left me was I did this, I did that and I whatever when I reread it this morning it reads ME ME ME ME AND JUST INCASE YOU DIDNT GET THAT MY DEAR WIFE ME! I have been invited out for dinner with friends tonight but friends cant always under stand what you are going through although the are fab best friends, so your support and knowledge means so much to me! xx


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Had a pleasant evening but came home to an email from him agreeing with what I had said then the punch line about me allowing him to take me off an old joint bank account so that he can have his own account which he doesnt currently have! I have noticed all his notes no longer have kisses on the bottom and he cant even write my name next to the hi at the beginning.. Think plan A is just to ignore him now as much as I can, and quite frankly I dont feel I want too as he just seems to be getting colder and colder and his replies give things he has done as if to make his choice sound better, although he did comment on what time I came in yesterday, its not really his business anyway now! Just cant afford to p*ss him off as he is the only one earning money at the moment!


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Normal - totally normal behaviour for a WAH in my 'vast' experience!!!!!!! Here's a mantra for you "don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do"

My H stopped putting my name on anything and, when I commented that there were no kisses on emails or texts any more, that definitely was the last I got!! This is normal alien behaviour - don't forget, that is where they are right now, in alien territory.

There are experts out there who may give you better advice than me but here's my 2 cents worth:

He is emailing you right now so if you reply at all, make it polite, business like but in as few words as you can muster. No names, pet names and definitely no kisses! If the email does not warrant a response or ask for an answer, ignore it! I certainly would not be agreeing to take my name off the bank account just yet. PROTECT YOURSELF.

I know how you feel about not p*ssing him off in the name of finance - I'm there!

You are not doomed as he is living 2+ hours away, even though it may feel like it. Does it really matter where he is? He's not with you right now so it could be outer space and not feel any further - right? It's not about where he is but moreso where you are.... in your headspace.

You have to take the bitter pill of reality and people here tell it like it is - it may sound hurtful and very harsh but everyone will tell you in good faith that you have to start doing stuff for yourself and not for H. The fact that you have bought new jeans and make-up is great. The fact that you have an interview for temping jobs is even better, so you are headed in the right direction. It took me ages to work this out but the path we need to take is this -->

1) Detach - that means not worrying about H and what he is doing or not doing. Do not answer his calls, emails or texts - however tempting and if you have to in regard finance, then make it short, sweet and business-like. Not needy, not pursuing

2) Rebuild - start doing stuff for you. That means, getting a job (I know, I know!!) and putting your life back in order so that you are comfortable and secure.

3) GAL - like there is no tomorrow! Use your family and friends to do things with you. No, they won't understand and they will be hurting for you, so may say the most inappropriate things. Just explain that you are not in that position to make any hasty changes right now and that you are 'working a new theory'. Be careful what you say at this time - do not tell them about DB'ing and do not tell them anything that could get back to H.

4) Love Languages - if and when your H is ready to work with you, then you can activate the 5 Love Languages theory. You have read that, right?? If not, go get it from the library. You need to know how to fill up your love tanks!

Until you have done steps 1-3 however, you should not be doing anything other than caring about and for, yourself. H needs to see you strong, in control and moving forward - that does not mean moving on ... it just means that he can start to respect what you are doing for yourself and it may sew the seeds of doubt that he needs to jerk him out of his funk.

Do more of what works and less of what does not. If something is not working, set a time limit on it and change tack.

Keep posting here and people will give you more advice. I'm a newbie and struggling myself but the above is a summary of the advice that I have been given. It's so bl**dy hard at times and it hurts, physical pain - but if we want this, we have to be able to put up the fight and unfortunately, that mostly means that we are in it for the long haul. If H is in a MLC (is he?) then you are looking at approximately 1 month for every year that you have been together - looking at your times, that's two and a half years. A depressing thought, eh??

Don't be down about that for now. One person here reported that she had success 5 years down the track, so we can't lose faith can we?!! Just keep on looking out for yourself. Do nice things around the house, LOOK AFTER the house as well as yourself. Cut the grass, pull the weeds - he will notice these things when and if he comes by. Pay what you can toward the bills, when and if you get some work - that helps from a legal perspective, if it comes to it, later on.

Don't jump too quickly in to any response and, if you are tempted to write to H, make sure that you draft and keep it for 24hrs before you send it. You may be glad that you did!! Once things are 'said' they can not be 'unsaid' ... ! Don't write anything to H unless you post it here first - we can all give you our advice on whether or not it is a good thing to communicate - I have been stopped so many times from getting it badly wrong and I am so glad that I waited that extra time before sending messages.

So, what are your plans for today?? Post them here - it will make you go out and do them for sure - you get to feeling that you have let your DB'ers down if you don't carry forward what you have said that you will and I can attest to the fact that you will feel better for it!!

Will check on you later ...


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Hey LR... Sorry I disappeared. You ae getting great advise so far. I have found the hardest things to do in EN post is detach. It comes slowly so don't get discouraged. Good lick and I will stop back later.

I did not get to see my movie. I am going to try and se it soon.

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Thanks Nel, I am sure H is having a major MLC! He has gone from being the worlds sweetest man to well as you said an alien. He was my childhood sweetheart and it is killing me to have such little contact with him when we have spoken every day for nearly thirty years, and I just cant believe he isnt missing me, but he has successfully built a brick wall to hide behind and when I see him I feel like I have chipped a brick off only for him to have successfully relaid it by the next time!

In the two and half months he was here after his announcement of "I dont love you anymore" we made love three times although the last time was purely under the statement that he had "mans needs" Im sure he loves me still but is scared to go back to being unhappy again, and has persuaded himself I am the cause of all his unhappiness, I have asked for a another chance as I told him the last thing I want is for him to be unhappy.. Ironically all the things he is doing now, losing weight, buying his own clothes, joining a rambling club are all things I encouraged him to do but he couldnt be bothered too when we were married.. The things he did start doing after his heart attack three years ago he is letting drop slowly although they are his passion!

As for me this weekend has been crappy, he spoilt my lovely day out (my fault I know) and it wasnt nice to go out have a lovely evening and come back to his email, and now today I just didnt want to get up and have another long day which is ruined by him, except the cat thought otherwise, although I have returned to my bed enjoying the luxury of surfing the net. Later I will go and ride my lovely horse and get some fresh air. I have plenty to do during the day this week its just the evenings that seem so long and are hard to fill.

Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 08/31/09 08:40 AM.

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Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
it is killing me to have such little contact with him when we have spoken every day for nearly thirty years, and I just cant believe he isnt missing me


Takes some believing, eh? I'm sure that all of us here can echo those words.

Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
I just cant believe he isnt missing me, but he has successfully built a brick wall to hide behind and when I see him I feel like I have chipped a brick off only for him to have successfully relaid it by the next time!


DO NOT ML with your H any more! You are rewarding his bad behaviour and I know that it must be so tempting for you not to break this habit (we will do anything when we are lonesome) but do you really want to ML to a man who is behaving so badly toward you?? He may have 'man needs' but what about your 'wife needs' - like "bring back my husband and take the alien away?"!! Making you the cause of his unhappiness is again classic MLC - be reassured of that. This all sounds like it is a reactionary situation to his heart attack and he is now re-evaluating his life, after the threat of losing it. You are going to need to sit this out and be VERY patient.

So glad that you have that lovely horse to go out and keep you company! They take up so much time with all the husbandry, which will be its own Godsend right now - where do you live Rabbit ... which countryside are you dashing around? Make sure that you keep at it and, whilst it's very tempting to be in bed all afternoon surfing the net, it is much better to be out getting fresh air and working a 'to do' list.

I know that it's easier said than done and it has taken me until about two weeks ago to practise what I am now preaching - go look at my thread if you doubt what I say! I was a wreck when I first got here but my 'buddies' on this forum made me see sense and now I set myself little goals and challenges, which I publish so that I have to be able to say that "yes, I did that!" ... first one was not to go to bed until at least 4pm ... then hourly until I can mostly make it until around 7.30pm these days - it's a good day if I make it until 8pm!! You will get there too. Right now, there just doesn't seem a lot to stay up for, does there?

Now, are you seeing a counsellor and have you been for any legal advice? No, I didn't want to do either, just as you are probably thinking, if not saying! It feels that, especially to see the legal profession, you are admitting defeat. Quite the contrary. Look for you local services and find out who offers a 'free' or 'means tested' service and go ask the one crucial thing that is one your mind - just the one. It will be one less burden.

For me, that was "can my husband make me leave the home and force it's sale" - having the answer to that saved me a years worth of worrying. No, in our state, he can not - certainly not overnight in any case. You will come back with knowledge and knowledge is power. Having sample documentation proves that you have been too - my H didn't like that one little bit and he has backed off somewhat since I got such. Kind of shifts the locus of control ... if only slightly. Make that one of your goals for as soon as you think that you can manage it - try thinking about it and making an appointment for two weeks hence ... you CAN do this - it's like going to the dentist or the optometrist - that's all! Just feels weird because H won't know about it or be with you - but we will be. You have not to do anything with the information but gathering knowledge right now may give you something to do in the first instance and help you when you need it suddenly, as a bonus. I hated that people told me this but honestly, it does feel better.

OK - have to dash. Catch you later. What is your challenge (for YOU) today??


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Hi Nell

Managed to pull myself together finally and went off to ride my georgous girl. She always lifts my spirits along with my darling little cat who is now so affectionate, she used to be H's baby and its one thing that makes me so angry with him, how could he be so selfish and put his happiness over hers, she doesnt understand why he is gone although when he called her last time he was up here she turned round and starting washing her bum so I think that is her thoughts on him lol.

On my drive back from the yard I started making a list of things to do this week, gardening needs doing and I need to finish clearing out the shed, there is a pile of ironing that needs catching up with and the usual household chores, told myself I wasnt going to sit down till dinner and I was going to cook something as I had been bad eating today. So I spent an hour in the garden pulling down the ivy, emptied all the bins, and filled the big bin up with rubbish from the shed, then came in and cooked myself a nice hot chicken and bacon salad, followed by berries and vanilla greek yoghurt, will go in search of a glass of wine later I think.

Tomorrow I will get on with the chores, then I have a riding lesson at lunch time, so will if time pop into the garden centre on the way back as I need to start looking at plants for the border I have stripped out, then my son and his girlfriend are coming round for dinner, so plenty to do tomorrow..

I just want to ring him up today and scream you stupid stupid man get a grip and get your ar*e back here pronto before I bash you senseless but I guess thats a no no lol

ooh your questions, we went to councelling and it was the councellor who firstly suggested that working at it was easier than divorce but then instead of trying to get H to see her side of things she then went onto to mention Trial Separation, H grabbed as a life line and was gone by the following saturday and after two weeks came back and said he still felt the same, another week the same and then this weekend I didnt see him but he said he had rented a flat, I was devasted as partly I didnt think he would get the references, he is self employed and hoped that would bring him home to me so that I could at least DB with him in situ! I so wish I had this book before then as at least he was here and I feel so out of sight out of mind now. I dont really feel I can go back as I wasnt really impressed the first time. I have two best girlfriends and one of them at least understands where I am coming from the other is just kind enough to support me what ever I do bless her, and neither of them were friends with H so its not going to get back to him. My biggest problem is my lovely twenty one year old son I dont want him to have to keep secrets from his dad but I cant be mysterious if he spills the beans on what I have been up too, so really dont know how to get round that one.

Forgot to say I am on the border of Oxfordshire which is beautiful countryside, we moved up here ten years ago but H has gone back to where we used to live as firstly he stayed with his brother then got his flat. He hated it when we left and its even more built up and horrible now but apparently according to him its wonderful not having to drive so far now to do things, he has never hated driving all the time Ive known him so I know some of thats not true I just think he is trying to put distance between us so that I cant get to him and change his mind again, well thats how I feel..

Hope you had a good day Nell x


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Sorry Harpo I seem to have posted over you! Thank you for taking the time to read my post, every bit of support is very much appreciated x


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Had a bit of trouble getting started this morning but not so bad now will post later how my day went.


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