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H was supposed to pay our mortgage last thursday/friday, but I spoke with the mortgage company today it appears he didnt do it then. He now cant because due to fraud on our bank account his card was cancelled. Having seen a bill payment set up for him and another name, I changed the password for our online banking for a couple of days, and still that hasnt flushed a phone call out of him about the mortgage, although I can honestly say I did it for security because of the fraud. I have now put it back to the original. I have sufficient funds in the account to pay the mortgage myself, but as it is a large amount of money and we agreed to contact each other over large payments (well I did he doesnt seem to be doing so) I am pondering over sending him an email to ask about it! I would appreciate someone checking it over for me. This is not a ploy to make contact I need to know about my financial affairs as I dont currently have a job! Thanks

H

I have contacted the mortgage company as it appears the mortgage was not paid last week. There are sufficient funds for me to pay it, but could you confirm your plans for putting additional money in to the account in the coming month, so that I can budget ahead of time. Due to the fraud on our account I reset the online password for a few days, but it has now returned to normal.

W


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^^ Bump ^^


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Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Thanks Nell!

Can anyone please check my email is ok?


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Lost Rabbit #1835043 09/09/09 06:53 PM
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Well H phoned this evening, it really surprised me as there are some key footy matches on tonight. I know I shouldnt have answered really but I needed to know about the mortgage etc, but I let it ring till the last ring and answered it with the telephone number as if I didnt realise it was him.

Turns out he has had a phone call from my sister, now there is no love lost between her and me as my parents are a pair of stirrers and about five years ago, my sister believed I was party to some of their stirring and has refused to speak to me since, except recently at my parents 50th wedding anniversary when she chatted a bit!

He seemed to be giving me the benefit of the doubt and said he knew I wouldnt stir but my mum as usual has combined three pieces of information and made six outta of them, and has rung my sister and told her that I have intimated that my H is having an affair with her and the fraudulant transaction was their date! Which is not one jot at all like I told her lol! I told her about the fraudulant transaction, and how H's card had been cancelled, and how the new payment on our account had two names on, and I thought perhaps he had someone else. Mum said she couldnt believe that, so I told her about how he would hide his FB from me, but he always told me it was only my sister or his old secretary that he was talking to and as he knew I wouldnt like that he hid it! Well you can see from that how it all ended in a pickle!. It didnt even occur to H that the OW could have been his payment set up, but he didnt say there wasnt anyone at all either.

Also sister told him about our elderly freind, H wanted to know would I have told him, which I said as I had been in and out all day, and had only just finished my tea and was expecting him to out watching footy I hadnt even got that far yet! He was asking how I was and what I was doing again and seemed upset that I wasnt giving him any information other than the usual keeping busy, and his strangest questions was "some up days and some down" to which I reply no they are all days ahead of me and Im just taking them as they come.

We talked about the mortgage and his card being cancelled and he asked why I hadnt phoned him, I politely said I had heard via S but it wasnt his place to discuss our accounts with so I was expecting H to phone me, as it was his problem, again he seemed to sound hurt as if I was intimating it was his choice he had to live with it! but I reiterated that it wasnt HIS problem more that he was the one with the problem with our account. But we agreed I could go ahead and pay it so thats a relief. I also owned up to changing the password because of the fraud which he didnt seem to have a problem with.

Also when he stated that I could phone him, I said, I dont really know what else to say to him and he has heard what I think already. But he replied I can always phone him about money and important things. H asked after the cat and madam, so told him cats face was healing and madam was fine, although she bit me for brushing her too hard yesterday, not content with that he asked how my riding was coming along. Again so hard but I just said she was fine and we doing ok with the riding. It was so hard not to have a conversation with him, it could so easily have lapsed into chatting with an old friend, but I held back as much as I could without seeming to be rude..

He asked about post and I said his Italian lesson stuff was here and also a small parcel. Apparently its stuff for building a new computer, again he sounded down when he said he would have to build a new one, but not a peep outta me. He then said he would have to come and get some things, I replied well you know where I am! His reply was that " he would phone in a few days" Well Im not holding my breathe but I had been thinking about my goals today and the first one was that he would make contact more often than a week.

I have so much spinning round in my head, I hope I handled it well!

My Goals

For H to make contact more often than once a week.
For H to want to come here of his own accord, Im not going to ask him too, although I know it might be because he needs to pick something up.

Now I need to go breathe and eat chocolate.


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Having read someone elses thread and with the phone call that has happened this evening, and of course a good adminstering of vino and chocolate, I am some thoughts I need to jot down!

Detaching and 180's

When H hit me with the bomb some of the time he was crying, I am wrong to be concerned that what ever I did in our marriage it resulted in a very kind and considerate man feeling very unhappy. I know realise that my insecurities have also contributed to this as well. Hence all the 180's with sorting out the accounts, living things as best as I can without falling apart, GAL as much as is feasably possible.. I have taken DB'ing to heart and embraced it!

My points of concern are that H said about me was that he didnt know how I could go to sleep after an arguement, (I sleep to avoid facing things) and also I think he has felt that when we have fallen out I have taken revenge, I cant say I havent if I was honest, my awful upbringing resulted in a very unconfident and now I realise dependant person, my security was in H not in myself or my own abilities. So he was tested to the full extreme to prove his love! although genuinely I didnt realise I was still doing it but maybe the damage was done long ago I dont know? Im just concerned that my 180's could be seen as "more of the same" revenge, just being cold and caculated and getting on with things! Really need some wisdom here!


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Oooh Rabbit - some similar traits going on with us, here - especially

Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
my security was in H not in myself or my own abilities. So he was tested to the full extreme to prove his love! although genuinely I didnt realise I was still doing it but maybe the damage was done long ago I dont know? Im just concerned that my 180's could be seen as "more of the same" revenge, just being cold and caculated and getting on with things!


I feel exactly the same but have no answer on this one, I'm afraid.

Two things that I can pick you up (kindly) on:

1) Try not to say anything to family or friends about your sitch. I know that you need them as sounding boards at times but I have learned to do that here instead - it's less risky! It really takes a lot of strength but whatever you tell to people will come back - all of it like Chinese whispers. People don't mean to do it but they can't help themselves - and they mostly get it all wrong. YOU are the only one dealing with the fallout. Let them know that you are OK and you are getting along with life but that's it. I only give my folks a one liner now and NOTHING that can be mis-construed.

2) Your phone call seems to have gone well overall but don't tell H "you know where I am" as that lays out the doormat! Also, (I know, easy to say) you should have kept the conversation to an absolute minimum and YOU should have been the one to end it by saying you were too busy to talk right now. (Not clear from your text who did end the convo but I am guessing it was H?)!!

So, what you did good was to explain the sitch re the bank cards, mortgage and sick friend. What you also did was to reflect on the talk when you got off the phone and you looked for other peole's wisdom here to be able to bench mark how you did. That's awesome! You were able to draw up some goal from that and that's a big step on from where I am ... I keep trying but failing!

You have certainly embraced DB'ing very well, IMHO! I think that you are right not to hold your breath on a phone call from H in a few days time ... remember - believe nothing they say and only half of what they do! It's a good 'out' for them as well, to get off the phone without losing face or being the bad guy. The old "I'll call you" routine! We've all been there!

So, I reckon that you handled that well overall. Try to prepare yourself for next time you speak on the phone and remember to breath. It's also OK to say "I really don't know how I feel about that right now (any situation) so I need some time to think before I let you know" - not dismissive but not compelling you to anything either.

Well done Rabbit ... top of the class - though others may have different thoughts ... !!


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Morning Nell

Thanks for the support x

Quick answers to your questions as Im off to have a blood test!

Mum caught me on the hop coming out of the doctors, I dont speak to them very much as they dont stir back by accident the pair of them have outboard motors to help lol! I think its when she accused me of sounding hard that I spilled too much information. After this all she is going to get is "plodding along" and turn the conversation to what I have been doing. Although it was good to know that H knew it was probably all stirring, and when he asked me what I had told her, I said it wasnt that and she had combined it out of three stories, he asked what stories and I said I dont have to explain myself to you, you just have to accept I didnt say it.

Need a better line for "you know where I am" but it was said more in the context of "you know where the house is" Its very hard to avoid the chat side of things as he asks me direct questions, so I just try to give the minimum information necessary, as short blunt and mysterious as possible! Call ended as oh well I better go and as he started to say bye, I said over him ok bye and cut the phone off.

Again I didnt ask him anything about himself, so the conversation was based mostly about him asking about me! If it wasnt that I needed to talk about money matters I would have let it go to ansaphone, thats where it will be going next time..

Anyway need to dash will pop in and check about your day later x

Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 09/10/09 07:51 AM.

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Well done you! I know how hard it is to talk to them when we have been practising for so long and then go all jittery when the call actually arrives. I just don't want you to think that I am criticising, because I think that you know me by now and I am not. It's so damned hard.

Hope that your blood test goes OK. I got my all clear mammogram results yesterday, so happy with that!

Intend to go to bed reasonably early with the moggles tonight ... got up last night and checked email at 11pm - I don't know why but something was calling me - turned out to be nothing. Early start tomorrow and need some quality time with babies after having left them on their own for 11hrs today :o(

Hope that your day goes smoothly :o)


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
Eskimo Nell #1835500 09/10/09 02:30 PM
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Nell no way do I think you are being critical, youre right its hard not to turn to jelly legs and stop thinking when you realise its them on the phone!

Blood test was fine just have to get results next week, not too worried as Im two and half stone lighter than the last time they were taken and its blood sugar levels they were worried about as Im the only non diabetic in my family.

Today has been about me! one of the posts about what attracts you to the opposite sex, got me thinking about the first time H saw me, I was wearing black cords sat on the wall outside the church, ok I was just a mere sixteen but he always said it was the cords that did it for him!

Anyway I have a party/bbq this weekend and needed something to wear. So off shopping I go with an open mind about what to buy. Anyway I found a great A-line tunic in guess what H's hated colour green/cream, without realising it I thought ahhh need black jeans to go with this, so found a pair, and to finish the look a pair of killer black heels. All on and if I say so myself I looked hot. Cant wear heels to party as its in the garden but I have some cute black pumps for that.

On the way to the car park went through big department store and looked at the underwear, it was so pretty but as I need to get measured didnt buy any, although the store lady came up to me and said "could she help" and when I said "just looking today I need to get measured as Ive lost lots of weight" she asked me what size I was wearing and she said "no way, youre smaller than that" I felt so good knowing I had shrunk, its not a crisis there really is still plenty up there lol..

As I drove back in the car, I started to realise, I FELT SEXY, I havent felt like that for so long.. In the two and half months before H left we ML three times and the last time he told me it was just "mans needs" it wasnt just that but he had made me feel unattractive, unwomanly, and 100% unsexy, he had never been one for pretty underwear, so even that couldnt catch his attention. I had backed off because I believed that some of this was the drugs he was taking for his heart problems as one of the side effects was loss of interest.. I really should have twigged it was more than that.

So if he ever deigns to visit again you can guess what I will be wearing, complete with killer heels, and now I will be exuding sex appeal because thats how I feel and its not reliant on him making me feel that way. I have a new swing in my step and I walked round the shopping centre feeling like a new woman, your loss H and my gain, I almost feel like emailing him a thank you note lol! But I wont be!


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Hi LR

Just been catching up on your situation, your issues began around a similar time to me and I notice we are the same age.

Once you begin to detach you will start to feel a whole lot better in yourself and the anxiety and worry over talking to your H will to some degree lessen.

I have detached fairly well and this has worked to my advantage. You have to try and project the image of not a doormat anymore, easier said than done I know.

I have put my heart and soul into GALing and detaching, it isn't about not caring about your M it is just a case of realising that you can't control you H or what he does only you and you is what matters most.

Go out a buy a wardrobe of sexy underwear, I did and the killer heels and start dressing to make yourself feel good. As you said you started to realise that you felt sexy, fantastic you are on your way, you have made a huge step in feeling like a new woman. Well done!!



Trying to keep hope alive
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