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#1834664 - 09/09/09 12:32 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Damn why are they better looking when running out the door? Wish I had that power over my H.


My W has lost weight, changed her clothes, hair, make up etc. Funny thing is that I liked her more before. I have really associated this new look with this new version of her. When I see her all done up as "new her" I really don't like it. I really think that there's a lot of MLC tendancies in her case though.

Are you still feeling stong today? It looks like you and I are starting to get the same attitude of strength at about the same time.
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1834791 - 09/09/09 03:04 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Deep Offline
Member

Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 431
BigJohn: in some ways I can't believe I am answering this smile

During her A, (but before I knew) we had massive, frequent, earth-shattering sex. Of course, later it hurt like hell thinking she was getting off while being hot for another guy. Heck, it's one of the hardest things to come to terms with. And W was brutal in the months after discovery. She told me about the connection with the other guy, how deep the feelings were, the whole WAW script. "Sure, I was ML with you, but it was time spent with him that put me in the mood". Ouch.

I keep in very good shape generally, although not at the intense level of workouts during the WAW days, and she had cited that as one of the things that pushed her away, that I could spend time working out instead of being with her; WAWs would say anything to justify their delusion.

Well, we had our 10th anniversary 2 months after discovery. For the first time, I said "damn the expense" and splurged on an unbelievably elaborate vacation with 2 private villas with a private pool overlooking a heartstopping beach front on the hillside of an exotic tropical island. I mean, it looked like the M was going to be over then, and I thought we might as well go out in style.

We had a bad start as we fought over OM the night before (she was still in WAW with OM mode). To cut a long story short, I could barely walk during those few days. We didn't bother with clothes, and made use of just about every inch of both villas, the pool, the outdoor jacuzzi, the deck beds, you name it. It was crazy. So much for our lost connection, and that special connection with OM.

A memory that did stand out was her watching me walk from the pool after a particlaurly intense episode to get her towel, and she said "hey Deep, remember what I said about you spending too much time working out?" "Yeah?", "Forget it, and don't stop". Months later into recovery, she told me she was being honest when she said she did not think of OM at all during that trip.
(that's not to say this was all peaches and cream, we came down hard from cloud nine when we went home).

So yeah, I think making yourself physically attractive won't hurt. My W always maintained that exteriors don't mean much to her, but I know that right now she likes what she sees and even playfully appreciates it when others comment on it. And yes, although we value the emotional connection a lot more, she's told me it was always easy to get things going due to the attraction part.
_________________________
Me 42
W 39
Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992
First Bomb: Sep 2007
Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007
Kids: D10, S5
Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak.
3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.

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#1834811 - 09/09/09 03:35 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Stronger - BJ is awesome too. Sorry I keep saying awesome. I'm from California smile

Well I have deduced that she is in his D&D/role playing group. So I am learing about these games. He told me that I made him feel like he was stupid for being into it (in M pre-bomb) because I always dismissed it. I was the kind of person that had a lot of interests, art, acting, etc., and I just said "You do your thing and I'll do mine" I neglected his desire to share more things in our marriage. So here I am trying to show interest. WIth the added benefit that if I'm into these games I'm more competition with the OW.

Also, during M, he never showed any attraction to me physically either. I don't expect it now because I didn't receive that attention when M. It was a big problem. We both felt rejected by the other sexually but he never kissed me hello or goodbye, rarely if ever made moves on me. I shut down because I didn't feel he thought I was attractive. I realize now it has a lot to do with the way he is so nervous around girls and not comfortable with his own sexuality and I secretly hope that if he returns to me this OW has given him some more confidence in bed. I need to be ravished if he comes back. It's been like twice a year and neither of us were happy with it.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1834812 - 09/09/09 03:39 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
PS It's also why I get scared he won't give her up.

I am grateful however, that he is accountable for his time 95% of the time, so there's not too much going on here. If it was a mad passionate affair, I don't think he'd be here most of the time.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1834883 - 09/09/09 04:51 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Energizer Bunny]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: Energizer Bunny


Are you still feeling stong today? It looks like you and I are starting to get the same attitude of strength at about the same time.


I'm so glad to hear that EB! I'm definitely better - I was literally paralyzed the last few days - complete panic attacks. That's mainly gone now, and I'm still keeping my chin up. That's progress. Do I feel like superbabe who can handle anything? No. Do I want to hide from all this crap? Yes. Am I totally confused - one minute feeling he wants me back, one minute feeling he is just being nice to get what he wants from me - one minute loving him, one minute hating him - yes.

But for once in a long while I am dealing with the feelings instead of running away. What is it about distance that makes you see your part in it (once it's too late) - I was so wrapped up in how H hurt me - blaming him, fighting with him for not being passionate with me, not being more emotionally available for me, being a workhorse and not a romantic - and I forgot to see and listen to how I was feeling, he was feeling, and deal with both openly.

I would run off and do theater every night - admittedly an important part of who I am, but I would fantasize about the emotionally open men in the performing arts who seemed more attractive - instead of working on this with my H, I stayed out of the house and in fantasy. I avoided him to avoid my feelings. And this hurt him. He felt rejected. I didn't realize it then, because all I thought about was how hurt I was. And now - god help me if it's not too late to try a relationship where I can be less selfish. That's why when I'm with him I try to be much more understanding of him, more attentive, more appreciative, more selfless. I am opening to him in ways I hadn't in years. Hoping he will open up in response, and if you read my thread, in so many ways he has opened up in new ways - even with all the bluster of OW and Legal Separation - he and I feel good together again, and he's around again - a month ago there was none of this.

So, yeah, there's Hope!

How are you????



It really boils down to a fear of intimacy and I'm still not sure why I had that or how to get out of it - but I need to face it with whomever I end up with.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1834936 - 09/09/09 05:28 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Deep]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: Deep
BigJohn: in some ways I can't believe I am answering this smile


Oh, stop! smile You know, before her A, my W was calling me her Big Sexy. I tried breaking that special connection with OM a couple times immediately following discovery with hot sex, but she stopped me cold after the second session because she was thinking about OM not me. I couldn't believe it. W has always told me and everyone else that I'm the most handsome and sexy guy she has ever met then this pig-faced OM ex-BF blimp comes floating along who can do no wrong. I think the whole idea that men aren't nearly as concerned about an EA versus a PA is just wrong, it hurts like hell and is just as bad.

Quote:
A memory that did stand out was her watching me walk from the pool after a particlaurly intense episode to get her towel, and she said "hey Deep, remember what I said about you spending too much time working out?" "Yeah?", "Forget it, and don't stop". Months later into recovery, she told me she was being honest when she said she did not think of OM at all during that trip.


Makes sense. I'm just not buying into the idea that looks don't matter as much to women as they do to men, it's almost all about personality, feelings, etc. Not to say good looking guys should get a pass for being jerks- they shouldn't. But looks matter. And in my sitch, when it comes to me and the OM, the contrast in the looks dept. is major.

Thanks for confirming my suspicions.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1834959 - 09/09/09 05:42 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: Stronger
my H's OW looked NOTHING like me. We couldn't be more opposite.

Quote:
So H seemed annoyed and said "Well, if you think about it, Stronger is more attractive."

Quote:
Then OW starts in on faces. "Who has a prettier face?" Apparently she didn't learn and pushed again, so H said "Stronger."


Stronger, I've got the same problem and I bet you do too Hope. That seems to be a common theme in As, where the wayward S "affairs down". Makes no sense to me since you'd think if you weren't happy with your current sitch you'd want to "upgrade" to another person- in every respect.

Quote:
Also goes to show you, the OP's show their ugly sides....you just have to let them.


Agreed, problem is our WASs are so fogged out that it takes A LOT of ugliness from the OP to make any kind of negative impression. Just considering my own sitch, OM is a complete a$$hole and flip flops on my W between being nice/not so nice, eggs on then threatens my BIL along with a lot of other B.S. and my W is just oblivious to it all- OM walks on water as far as she is concerned.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1834987 - 09/09/09 06:09 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: BigJohn]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
Nope. He doesn't and the best way for her to see it clearly is to keep your mouth shut. She will do the exact opposite and think the exact opposite of anything coming out of your mouth.

You say nothing, she'll see it on her own. Took me a long time to figure that crap out, but my H's OW was screwing with me, sending emails, and text messages but in secret. H was fed up with that crap and then she pulled much much more crap that I couldn't have written it was so bad! But eventually, he saw it for himself. And that's what it's going to have to be for you....W will see it.
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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#1835013 - 09/09/09 06:32 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
AGreed. Let's just not bring it up to them. OP gains so much more power when we act all threatened. Let it alone. It's temporary. It's a fantasy. It's fog. And, it's not the real issue between the married couple. It's a distraction, a symptom, and a panacea. The real issues are there lurking under the surface. They are new, that is their main advantage. No baggage. But that won't last. EVeryone has baggage that comes out eventually.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1835230 - 09/10/09 12:02 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
BTW I spoke with my lawyer for the first time today. I asked him some questions. He made a suggestion to ask my H for one comprimise. My H went OFF FOR AN HOUR yelling at me and accusing me of everything in the book including trying to screw him, threatening to stop trying to "be fair" and just go straight to filing for D, telling me I have no understanding of how hard he works to earn money, etc. Just went off on everything. I tried and tried to get him to stay calm, I stayed calm. It made no difference. He didn't want to be talking to me, didn't want me to hang up. Didn't want me to ask lawyers these questions, didn't want me to ask him.

I know I did my best - short of getting off the phone. I guess it's pretty clear to me that a D is in my own best interest. It's this kind of treatment that has made my M miserable for me for so long.

No appology. I want one. But all I got was "leave me alone" and "don't be at the house when I come over".

I feel like all the work I did the past month to calm him down, get him to come closer, soften up, and talk to me reasonably has gone out the window. I'm so sad.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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