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#1842050 - 09/22/09 01:20 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: tristan]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
The panic's going to come and go.

It's completely normal. You have to try to keep yourself busy. Remind yourself that this is going to take a while.
Read, run, get a project, work on a hobby, hang out with friends, do yard work. Something. Keep yourself busy at these times.

Change your frame of mind. Even though your W may appear to be strong and in charge, she'sobviously going through something horrible. She's not "herself" right now. Deep inside she's hurting and unhappy. Otherwise, she wouldn't be willing to give up everything she has including splitting up her family.

Think of it like this. "I love her enough to give her the time to work through this." Also realize that you need to take the time to address your own issues.

Want to see the panic of someone who threw it away when they were in a fog then came out of it? Here's a new thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

The point is that people can come out of this fog. If you notice though her H didn't beg, plead, explain or any of it. Now she wants him back.
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1842140 - 09/22/09 02:34 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: Energizer Bunny]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
EB I read that thread. I did some backsliding this morning but I don't think it was too much damage. Told her how I felt about her moving out and that I would like her to really think about things (she is supposed to sign the lease papers today). She mentioned all the changes I have been making but following the script, indicated she didn't know if they were temporary or the "new me". I told her I was doing it for myself. She said you are hanging out with your friends, you are joining the PTO, etc...Why? I said for me.

It is so weird. It is almost like I can sometimes see the cracks in her shell but she will cover them back up by saying something like "You need to move on" But something will slide out like "let's just see how this separation works".

No more R talk from me. I'm on the high road now. I got out what I was wanting to say this morning and I made it clear to her the decisions she was making were hers and hers alone. She is going to have to live with them and see them everyday our kids are going to want to come back to "their house".
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1842157 - 09/22/09 02:45 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
JonF Offline
Member

Registered: 04/01/09
Posts: 896
You should print out your post, and stick it on your mirror - somewhere where you will see it every day.

Quote:
No more R talk from me. I'm on the high road now. I got out what I was wanting to say this morning and I made it clear to her the decisions she was making were hers and hers alone.


I wish I had a dollar for every time I said this and went back on it - I sincerely believe my family would be together. No use dwelling in the past for me, but I hope that I can help you avoid the same mistake.

When my W moved out, it was all smiles and gumdrops for about 4 months. She had snuck and taken money on the side, and she was living the high life for awhile - then bills started coming in, and she realized that she was completely responsible for everything, including screwups, and all of a sudden the wonderful party/single life wasn't so wonderful.

She was with OM - and that was all grand and glorious, and he was "amazing". Then he started bringing his 3 kids over, and they wrote on her walls, and the thought of raising FIVE kids all of a sudden started ending that honeymoon.

Even after a year in an apartment, and being with OM, and pushing him down our kids' throats, yesterday D9 told her that she wanted us to get back together.

My point is this: I can go back over probably 50 situations, and the ones that worked in my "favor" were the ones where I simply stepped back, and let go. Learn from my mistakes...

I would even recommend that you go a step further, and start pulling back on unnecessary communication if you haven't already. I make sure I have the kids' schedule, and I communicate necessary information like sickness and what not, but NOTHING other than that.

I know where you are - I remember it felt like someone was peeling my skin off to watch the woman I loved leave. But now is the time to hang tough!
_________________________
Me-35 W-32 M-4yrs
A - 6/26/2013
D filed 8/19/2013, dismissed 12/13/2013
D refiled 2/24/2014, dismissed
Second A 5/2014, I filed, finally done

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#1842162 - 09/22/09 02:49 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: JonF]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
Jon - Thanks for the post. Great advice. I will be pulling back as I think I got some closure this morning when she told me she was signing her lease no matter what. I know from experience I am not going to be able to change her mind so I need to show her how I am taking the high road, being a great parent and letting her truly be on her own like she wants.

I am at the point where this experience is going to make me better, not worse.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1842214 - 09/22/09 03:36 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
This is going to be such a long hard road. The swing of emotions is unbelieveable. I know many others have been through it but until you experience it you have no idea.

There is just too much crap that reminds me of all the good times we used to have.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1842220 - 09/22/09 03:39 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
Jon - How do I detach to that point? I mean I know how but I want to be there for her as well. It seems like others have success when they are there for their WAS's when their world finally comes crashing down?

I think there is a fine line.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

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#1842270 - 09/22/09 04:11 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
wanttobebetter Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/09
Posts: 234
11:00 came and went. That was when she had her appt to sign her lease papers. In the back of my mind I was praying I would get a phone call saying - let's talk about this.

Now I pray for the future.
_________________________
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!

Top
#1842292 - 09/22/09 04:28 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
Originally Posted By: wanttobebetter
until you experience it you have no idea.


Truer words have never been spoken.

Originally Posted By: wanttobebetter

There is just too much crap that reminds me of all the good times we used to have.


Yep. Odds are that you will get to a point where you will only remember the bad times and be really angry with her. Then back again...sometimes within minutes. Knowing what to expect and remembering that these feelings won't last forever may help.

Originally Posted By: wanttobebetter
11:00 came and went. That was when she had her appt to sign her lease papers. In the back of my mind I was praying I would get a phone call saying - let's talk about this.

Now I pray for the future.


Sorry Man. Keep praying for the future. I added your family to my prayer list yesterday.
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1842297 - 09/22/09 04:33 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: wanttobebetter]
JonF Offline
Member

Registered: 04/01/09
Posts: 896
It is a fine line - in my case, there is an OM involved, and I set a very clear boundary. I will honor my vows - I don't date, I don't be with other women, I am not antagonistic to W, I support her as a parent. I don't allow the kids to be disrespectful.

I find ways that are appropriate. Whenever I cut off the communication, she always starts pursuing me. I mean, at one time, it got to the point where we were having dinner, going to the pool, spending 4-5 days a week together as a family - and she saw me 3x as much as OM. However, the affair was still there, and she couldn't quite let that slide, and it was so hard, but I had to establish that. I can not operate as a husband when my wife is seeing another man - even though she insists that it is not a PA, they spend the weekend together, and I just have to call bullcrap.

I'll give you an example - her tires were bald, I mean no tread at all. My kids ride in that car, and she called me about it, so I took the time to find a couple of places that were reputable and cost-effective. I didn't change the tires for her, but gave suggestions, and hung up. That's appropriate to be a decent human being.

There are other times where she calls and starts talking about how hard school is, and she's so busy, and has no money, and I listen for a minute, and offer sympathy, then I find a reason to hang up. As I like to say, she lost husband and friend privileges when she chose someone else.

Her world has crashed down around her - the honeymoon is over with the OM, and she is losing her kids. I will be there for her - I am her husband - HOWEVER, it'll be when she decides to be a wife to me and a mother to her kids. Until then, she is treated as an acquaintance. I'm not a jerk - she hurt her back really bad a few weeks back, and I watched the kids for her, and offered to pick up her prescription. However, I had one of the kids run it up. I inquired as to her health once or twice, but when she wanted to have a long conversation I cut it off.

I don't know - some on here do recommend being a good buddy, but I don't see any successes. Again, I do not recommend being a jerk, just like you would treat like your third cousin! smile
_________________________
Me-35 W-32 M-4yrs
A - 6/26/2013
D filed 8/19/2013, dismissed 12/13/2013
D refiled 2/24/2014, dismissed
Second A 5/2014, I filed, finally done

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#1842425 - 09/22/09 06:05 PM Re: How did I get here? [Re: JonF]
Startingover2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/07
Posts: 3325
I really like that. There is a fine line between being civil for the kids and their buddy...They lost their buddy card when they chose to leave the M.
_________________________
Me: 46 FWS: 36
Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07
Baby Girl born 3/08
Kicked him out because OW: 7/08
5/10 He realized what he had and lost.
Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!

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