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#1842532 - 09/22/09 03:36 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Panicking again today - re: him telling me we now have separate credit cards. His L told him to do this for the legal sep. I have no idea what this means - when I spend money - can I afford it? H's night to be away. Also panicking.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1842555 - 09/22/09 03:45 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
Is he going to be paying support during separation?
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1842565 - 09/22/09 03:50 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Energizer Bunny]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: Energizer Bunny
Is he going to be paying support during separation?

He has to. I'm at at-home mother
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1842569 - 09/22/09 03:54 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: BigJohn]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: BigJohn
Hope,

Sounds like a lot of positive things happened with you tonight. Be careful though about thinking you are detached. Detachment is a process that takes a long time. It's like a skill, such as a martial art. BTW, As a former Judo student from way back, I appreciated Dia's analogy. I have likened my personal evolution in my sitch to the type of discipline similar to that gained through the martial arts.

Hang in there, I think you are doing great.


THnks BJ

Yeah, I know you are right. Today already I'm feeling less calm. Gotta keep working it.

I looked up some martial (marital) arts info. Really helped. THey reminded me that my power is in being calm and centered in mind and body. that th opponent's force is their vulnerability and no let that force go on it's own rather than resist it.

Still not sure what this looks like for M. However, being centered and not thrown into panic by his attacks are a good starting place.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1842574 - 09/22/09 03:56 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Mongoose27]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: Mongoose27
I am brand new and this is my first reply or post. I really sympathize with you and believe me it being hard is an understatement. I know that life teaches us that it will get better but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like it will be different, of course, but not better. In my situation, I do not think my ex even cares about what happens to me or has any feelings for me anymore. I am just lost right now. I have a close friend who is going through things as well and I am going to try to get her on the site too. I hope this helps. I joined on the suggestion of a friend and he said it helped him a lot. He actually recommended it awhile back but it took awhile for me to get up the courage to join. For the first time in my life I feel empty and like I have no goals. Night time is the worst especially on the nights when I do not have my daughter. Hurts really bad.


Thanks Mongoose. I think this site will help you a lot. Keep coming back. When I feel that pain, I talk to friends, talk on here, exercise, and cry. I don't know what else to tell you. It does hurt. But remember a M's problems stem from two people, not just you. Check out posts on WAS (Walk Away Spouse) and you will find a lot of people dealing with the same emotions we are.

Adn when you are ready, goals really help. Things to do for you.


Edited by Hope4Luv (09/22/09 03:57 PM)
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1842581 - 09/22/09 03:58 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Panicking again today


I wish I had something comforting to say. It looks like we are both hit with a "down" at the same time.

We'll both get through this. I don't know what the other side looks like, but I know we'll get there.
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1842777 - 09/22/09 06:47 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Energizer Bunny]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
THX EB - you are right.

I'm actually feeling way better today than I have all weekend. Weekend seems to be hard.

Helps that S's birthday is tomorrow - I have cake making and present wrapping to keep me sane. smile

Are you able to do anything for yourself this week EB?
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1842852 - 09/22/09 09:30 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
It's my night to be home with S. H told me this morning he "may be home for dinner". I let it go.

An hour before dinner, I called to see if he was coming only because I needed something from the store. I kept it brief, light, and got off the phone first. He agreed. He showed up. Within 5 minutes he was yelling at me again. H angry he left a beer in his fridge "that might blow up so he can't stay that long". I was fine, kept going about my business.

Yelled at me for not being more careful with the sliding glass door - yells that he has not said anything for the two years we've had the new windows that they need to be cleaned more frequently - or else they are going to "break - and you'll have to pay for them."

Then yells about having to come home early tomorrow to be with our S so I can go to my support group - a support group for my issues with sexuality, that HE wants me to go to in order to own up to my own problems. I told him it would start early weeks ago - and asked him then if it would be a problem and he said it would be fine.

Now the day before it starts, he's complaining, raising his voice and saying "think about that and get back to me."

Why? That makes no sense.

So I told him he had a chance to work out the schedule with me weeks ago.

I'm tired of H coming home only to yell at me the whole time. Here's my email:


When you come home, please be more calm.

I totally want to hear your advice/concerns re: the house, discipline with S, etc. It's very important to me that we discuss all these things and your imput is valuable and helpful. But we need to have productive conversations and listen respectfully to each other.

When you are expressing yourself with anxiety, irritation, or whatever, I feel more upset and have a harder time hearing you. I ultimately want it to be postive - it doesn't get resolved well when it's communicated with stress and in passing. It's also not cool for S.

I will ask you again for what I have repeatedly ask = please sit down with me (or call or email), when S is asleep or not here, and when we are calm to discuss. I can hear you better then.

When you come over here, the mood needs to be light and relaxed around S- for him and me. Thank you.

What do you think, people? Trying to draw a boundary while being detached.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1842899 - 09/22/09 10:21 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
AFterward, I just called him and said the same thing. He calmed down/. I don't believe anything will be different tomorrow - I'm just going to avoid him.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1842916 - 09/22/09 10:42 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
RedSoxFan Offline
Member

Registered: 08/15/09
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Here's my email:


When you come home, please be more calm.

I totally want to hear your advice/concerns re: the house, discipline with S, etc. It's very important to me that we discuss all these things and your imput is valuable and helpful. But we need to have productive conversations and listen respectfully to each other.

When you are expressing yourself with anxiety, irritation, or whatever, I feel more upset and have a harder time hearing you. I ultimately want it to be postive - it doesn't get resolved well when it's communicated with stress and in passing. It's also not cool for S.

I will ask you again for what I have repeatedly ask = please sit down with me (or call or email), when S is asleep or not here, and when we are calm to discuss. I can hear you better then.

When you come over here, the mood needs to be light and relaxed around S- for him and me. Thank you.

What do you think, people? Trying to draw a boundary while being detached.

I'm not in a position to offer advice on this so it should come from others. I think you're definitely on the right track. Only thing I notice is that you seem to be timidly pleading for what should be boldly demanded or at least clearly and authoritatively stated, as a required boundary.
_________________________
AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread

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