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#1829646 - 08/31/09 09:22 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
sandi2 Online
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10949
Quote:
My W now insists that this is not a "competition" between the OM and I for her affection, she just doesn't want to be with me.


I feel that this statement backs up what I said before. This woman is in deeper fantasy that I originally realized b/c she thinks both men are competing for her attention! How arrogant is that? Must make her feel better to think that, but I feel that if you were to suddenly do a 180 and tell her that you've changed you mind about the entire situation (after a lot of thought) and decided that she was absolutely right and that she should be with OM and she should make plans to move in with him ASAP. I know you said she was not going to leave the state with your kids, but you could try to avoid that and see how far things would go. Even if she thought you were giving in and allowing her to take the kids, you know that OM would never agree for her and her children to move in with him. That would scare him to death. She needs to see that OM doesn't give a donkey's tail flip about her kids. (I know....you couldn't take the risk....but if you could, she would find out the truth in a hurry.)

Quote:
Not sure why this distinction is important to her in her WAW brain since she is apparently telling her friends at the same time that her "R" with OM is really loving and special. Is it because in reality she knows OM really can't "compete" with me? Is it because deep down she knows he is unreliable? Or is there some truth to what she is saying- is she just using OM as a "toy" and an emotional crutch to get away from me?


No, not at all. I know I keep saying this about the fantasy, but I don't think you realize how strong that can be for a WAW. It is as much of the drug, I think, as the OM. After all, you know that she could not possibly love OM, but she has created the illusion of being in love. She has to keep feeding that illusion in order for it to stay alive for her. That is one reason she talks it up to friends, etc. The more she talks about it, the more she can convince herself. Until you have been in those shoes, you can't understand how powerful these emotions are and how captive it can make you.

I can understand about the finances and where the kids are concerned. She has you over a barrell there. That is why I wonder about calling her bluff, but again, I know you wouldn't want to do that with your kids at stake. Anyway, wouldn't you have to pay child support only....or would you have to pay her also? B/c I don't know many women who can live on child support only. It is just for the kids and usually takes more for the wife. Maybe it is different in your state...I don't know. It is disgusting how she is "using" her own children for her benefit. I hope you will hold her feet to the fire about that. This is why it is so much worse when children are involved.....it is much more complicated and so much of it turns ugly when things get to this stage.

Well, I'm not telling you anything you don't know or I haven't already said before, but I'm still around if you need to vent.
Take care of yourself.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#1829649 - 08/31/09 09:24 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: sandi2]
sandi2 Online
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10949
Oh, but let me clearify something about telling her that you agree that she should be with OM......the most important part is that you let her know that it is b/c you basically want to be single again! If she thought that you would be pinning away for her, then she would have her cake and eat it too.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#1829653 - 08/31/09 09:31 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: sandi2]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Oh, but let me clearify something about telling her that you agree that she should be with OM......the most important part is that you let her know that it is b/c you basically want to be single again! If she thought that you would be pinning away for her, then she would have her cake and eat it too.




Huh, I guess for once I finally know what I'm talking about on this?
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1829727 - 09/01/09 12:06 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: sandi2]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: sandi2
No, not at all. I know I keep saying this about the fantasy, but I don't think you realize how strong that can be for a WAW. It is as much of the drug, I think, as the OM. After all, you know that she could not possibly love OM, but she has created the illusion of being in love. She has to keep feeding that illusion in order for it to stay alive for her. That is one reason she talks it up to friends, etc. The more she talks about it, the more she can convince herself. Until you have been in those shoes, you can't understand how powerful these emotions are and how captive it can make you.


Sandi,

The psychology of the WAW never ceases to amaze me. It is so hard for me to relate to this, not only because I'm a man but because I am a mentally disciplined one at that. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your insight.

You know, what is interesting is that my W apparently confessed to my MIL that she didn't think OM was particularly handsome, that his looks had taken a turn for the worse since she last saw him almost 20 years ago. I thought that little bit of honesty with my MIL was interesting- I don't know if she was as honest with her girlfriends or not or if there is any relevance to any of this- I know how looks aren't nearly as important to woman as they are to men. Then again, my MIL and all of my SILs think OM is ugly anyway, so maybe this is just my W relenting to calling a spade a spade.

In any event, speaking of "illusions", does this also require her to keep feeding herself negative illusions of me to prop up the positive illusions of the OM? Are the two illusions dependent upon one another or separate?


Quote:
Anyway, wouldn't you have to pay child support only....or would you have to pay her also? B/c I don't know many women who can live on child support only.


According to my L, I will have to pay modest child support with 50% custody. However regarding alimony, I don't anticipate having to pay much if any since my W has a higher earning potential than I currently do (W is a union-paid RN) when she works full time. Yes, according to my L, my W is in for another rude surprise regarding alimony. More on that later.

Quote:
It is disgusting how she is "using" her own children for her benefit. I hope you will hold her feet to the fire about that. This is why it is so much worse when children are involved.....it is much more complicated and so much of it turns ugly when things get to this stage.


I will hold her accountable for the impact her actions are having on the kids, you can count on it.

Thanks Sandi. Talk to you soon.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1829846 - 09/01/09 08:46 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
You know, I don't understand my XW's choice in OM either. They apparently have some past history between them because good lord I don't know what she sees in him. Other than being the patented complete opposite of me.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1830212 - 09/01/09 04:47 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: dday101798]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Dday,

I don't know about your XW's OM, but my W's OM is fat, sleazy, ugly and a complete dufus. He is REALLY the complete opposite of me- it's amazing. It doesn't make any sense the way these WAWs "affair down" like they do. I guess it is their way of rebelling? If not, then why the hell did our wives marry us (the clear and better choice over the OM) in the first place? Good grief!
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1830651 - 09/02/09 10:08 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
BJ,

Someone once explained the whole thing to me, I'll have to find it sometime.

Agreed exact opposite. OM does nothing, I did everything. OM is half bald, I pride my hair. OM dresses like a slob (even in court), I'm business casual everyday. OM expects to be catered to and picked up after, I find it hard to sit down and relax at times. OM sits around and watches TV all day and night, I'm lucky to log more than 5 hours in a week of TV. The list could go on and on....
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1830883 - 09/02/09 01:37 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: dday101798]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: dday101798
BJ,

Someone once explained the whole thing to me, I'll have to find it sometime.

Agreed exact opposite. OM does nothing, I did everything. OM is half bald, I pride my hair. OM dresses like a slob (even in court), I'm business casual everyday. OM expects to be catered to and picked up after, I find it hard to sit down and relax at times. OM sits around and watches TV all day and night, I'm lucky to log more than 5 hours in a week of TV. The list could go on and on....


Dday,

Yeah I think my W's OM had some of those hair plugs put in up front but I can't be 100% sure from the pics I've seen of him. Borderline illiterate from what I can gather, a real dope. Oh but he has an amusing personality. Give me a break. Put me in a clown suit with hair plugs and I'll get the same results if not better. If Elmer Fudd could have a baby with Rain Man, the end result would be my W's OM. Then there is me, rotten H, who is educated, successful, faithful to my W and kids and (with a little work on my tan) could give those Men's Health guys a serious run for their money. Met three of my W's girlfriends from high school two weeks ago, they were checking me out and was definitely getting that approval vibe from them. Got a real good vibe from one in particular. All this in front of my W of course who liked the favorable impression ("Boy isn't she smart/lucky/whatever to have a guy like that") but didn't have the nerve to tell them "yeah that's my H and guess what I really want to $h*tcan his a$$ for dufus".

It just pisses me off to no end. Yeah, when you find that info on the psychology on W's attraction of OM opposite of H let me know.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1830887 - 09/02/09 01:43 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
General rationalization would just say because he's out of the norm?
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1830924 - 09/02/09 02:28 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: dday101798]
MrBond Online
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10668
Simple. He fulfills an emotional need that she feels she hasn't or can't get from you. In this case, he's not judgmental. She has no REAL ties to him so it's an emotional freedom for her.

Meanwhile, because you were protecting your family by showing her how foolish she was, it made her pursue the fantasy even more.

It's like a kid in a candy store. If you tell the kid they can't have something, they're going to want it more even though they know it's going to rot their teeth. And no matter how many times they say they hate their parents for not giving them the candy, they don't leave the parents.

It's a simple analogy but it seems that's how your W is. The more you tell her she can't do something, the louder her tantrums become. That's why it's important for you to remain the adult and protect your assets while she goes off and burns out her fantasy.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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